79. Your Life Isn’t a Democracy: Stop Outsourcing Your Decisions (Self-Trust Series Part 3)
How many people did you ask before making your last decision? Maybe you reached out to a friend, a mentor, or someone you respect, hoping for clarity. You gathered opinions, weighed options, and still felt unsure. Each new voice adds noise, making it harder to hear your own instincts. Constant advice seeking is actually self-abandonment disguised as thorough decision-making.
In part three of our trust series, we explore why you already know what you want but often hesitate to act without everyone else’s permission. You’ll learn how to tell the difference between getting support and outsourcing your decisions, how to recognize when advice is filtered through someone else’s fears or expectations, and why acting from your own judgment is the key to building confidence in yourself.
We break down practical ways to reclaim your power: notice what you actually want before seeking input, limit guidance to a few trusted people who understand your values, set deadlines for decisions, and commit fully to the choices you make. You’ll also discover why there’s no perfect decision, how to tolerate uncertainty without constantly asking for validation, and the shifts that happen when you stop making your life a democracy and start trusting your own instincts.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why seeking endless input keeps you stuck in indecision.
How to distinguish between getting support and outsourcing decisions.
Why advice from others often reflects their perspective, not your values.
Practical steps for making decisions from self-trust, including limiting input and setting deadlines.
Why there is no perfect choice—only the decision you make right by committing to it.
How to tolerate uncertainty without needing constant validation.
The changes that happen when you stop making your life a democracy and trust your own instincts.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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77. Self-Trust is Everything & Why You've Been Doing it Wrong (Self-Trust Series Part 1)
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: How many people did you consult before making your last decision?
Nina: The last big one, right? Even a small one. Your mom, your best friend, your mentor, your partner, the person on the internet with the inspiring LinkedIn posts. You probably spent weeks gathering input, researching every angle, and polling everyone in your circle.
Kelle: Then you still didn't feel confident about your choice.
Nina: Here's what's really happening. Constant advice seeking isn't thorough decision-making. It's self-abandonment disguised as research.
Kelle: Yeah, right. You already know what you want to do. You're just afraid to trust yourself enough to do it without everyone else's permission.
Nina: The uncomfortable truth here, no amount of external validation can give you the confidence that only comes from trusting your own judgment.
Kelle: Yeah, this is part three of our trust series, why over researching keeps you stuck, how to distinguish between getting support and outsourcing your decisions, and how to make choices that don't make sense to other people but feel completely right for you.
Nina: Because the most successful people aren't the ones who get the most advice. They're the ones who trust themselves enough to make decisions with incomplete information.
Kelle: All right, are you ready to stop making your life choices a democracy? Let's go. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And welcome to part three, the finale of our trust series. Over the past two episodes, we've talked about building self-trust as your foundation and learning to trust your gut instincts.
Kelle: Today we're talking about why constant advice seeking is actually self-abandonment, how to distinguish between getting support and giving away your power, and how to make choices that feel completely right to you, even when they don't make sense to anyone else.
Nina: This is about taking everything we've built in this series and putting it into action. It's about becoming the person who trusts themselves enough to live their own life.
Kelle: So buckle up because by the end of this episode, you're going to have permission to stop making your life a democracy.
Nina: Let's start with some truth-telling, like we do here. How many people did you consult before making your last decision?
Kelle: Okay. This is just hitting home already, but maybe you were considering a career change. So you asked your mom, your best friend, your mentor, your partner, three people from your networking group, and that person on LinkedIn who posts inspiring content.
Nina: Maybe you were thinking about ending a relationship. So you talked to your therapist, your sister, your colleague, and basically anyone who would listen.
Kelle: Maybe you were deciding whether to start a business. So you research for months, read every article, joined Facebook groups, and asked for opinions from everyone who had ever thought about entrepreneurship.
Nina: And after all that input, all that research, all the conversations, you still didn't feel confident about your choice.
Kelle: In fact, you probably, if you're like most of us, felt more confused than when you started. Because now you have 15 different opinions rattling around in your head, and you have no idea which voice was actually yours.
Nina: Here's what we want you to understand. This isn't thorough decision-making. This is kind of self-abandonment disguised as research.
Kelle: Because the truth is, you already knew what you wanted to do before you asked the first person. You're just afraid to trust yourself enough to do it without everyone else's permission.
Nina: Oof, and we get it. We've been programmed to believe that smart people gather lots of input, that wise people consider all perspectives, right? 360-degree view. That responsible people don't make decisions alone. And honestly, that there is a right choice and a wrong choice, right?
Kelle: Ugh, so true. You nailed that one. But here's what the programming is really doing. It's keeping you stuck in other people's lives instead of living your own.
Nina: Oh my God, is this singing to anyone but me here? Let's talk about why we've been conditioned to seek so much external input. Because understanding this is key to breaking the pattern.
Kelle: Okay, first, you were probably raised to believe that asking for advice shows wisdom or humility. That independent decision-making is somehow arrogant or reckless.
Nina: Yeah, you learned that “good” people, quote unquote, consider everyone else's feelings and opinions before making choices that affect their own lives.
Kelle: So good. Good people and really smart people, right? Okay, second, many of us learned early that our judgment wasn't trustworthy. So maybe your decisions were criticized, or you were told that you were too young or too inexperienced to know what was best for you.
Nina: So you started looking outside yourself for validation and direction, thinking that other people's perspectives were somehow more valuable than your own inner knowing.
Kelle: And third, the productivity obsession taught you that more information always leads to better decisions. What? That if you just research enough, ask enough people, consider enough angles, you'll find the right answer.
Nina: But here's what all that seeking is really about. It's about trying to avoid responsibility for your choices by spreading the decision-making across multiple people, right?
Kelle: It's so true, because if everyone agrees with your choice and it doesn't work out, it's not really your fault, right? If you followed everyone's advice and things go wrong, you can't be blamed.
Nina: The problem with that approach, right? When you give away the responsibility for your decisions, you also give away your power.
Kelle: Yeah, and you can't build a life you love from a place of powerlessness.
Nina: So let's talk about the difference between getting support and outsourcing your decisions. Because there is a difference here.
Kelle: Yeah, getting support means sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted people who help you process what you think and feel.
Nina: Yeah, outsourcing means asking other people to tell you what to do because you don't trust yourself, your own judgment.
Kelle: I mean, Nina, how many clients come to us and say, "Just tell me what to do," right?
Nina: Tell me what to do. Where do you think I should go from here? Right? What are your thoughts? Yeah, and they get a little upset when we're like, “What do you think you should do?” When we put it back on them. That's what coaching's all about. It's helping our clients make decisions that are in alignment with what they want to create. We don't have all the answers, right?
Kelle: We don't. We definitely have some opinions sometimes, and we'll share those when we feel like we really need to. But yeah, going back to this, right? Because I'm getting off track here. Support sounds like, “I'm thinking about making this change. Can I talk through my thoughts with you?”
Nina: Outsourcing might sound like, “Should I make this change? What would you do in my situation?” And just a sec here, these conversations kind of require a friend who's in emotional adulthood. Right? I have to say the heaviest, most difficult things I've been through in life, my friends have been so amazing in not telling me what they think I should do. Some of them did. Some of them were like, you know, fucking run. But so many of my friends were just like, we're so here for you, we're going to hold the space for you. Keep talking. Why do you feel that way? You've got this. You've got this. You've got this. I just wanted to point that out. Does that make sense?
Kelle: It's so true. That's so true.
Nina: You find out who's available for this kind of work or big decision-making when you engage your friends in this way.
Kelle: Well, yes, yes, and you get to peel back the layers on who you really are, right? And not just what you should do. Okay, so support helps you get clearer on what you want, just like we were saying. Outsourcing gives you what they think you should want.
Nina: Yeah, support honors your autonomy while providing connection, right? Ugh, this is where friendship, it just is gold. Outsourcing trades your autonomy for this illusion of safety, right?
Kelle: And, and here's what's crucial. The people who love you the most might not give you the best advice for your life.
Nina: This is true. They love you. Everything they're doing is coming from love, but they might be filtering your situation through their own fears, their own values, their own idea of what success looks like. This is really key.
Kelle: So much is coming up for me right now with this because yes, the same thing. People are giving me their opinions, and you're right, I need to stop asking or talking to other people.
Nina: Well, just know that it's their filter, right?
Kelle: Right, right. That's true. So true. Okay. So, your risk-averse parent, going back to this, might discourage you from starting a business not because it's wrong for you, but because it feels scary to them.
Nina: This totally happened to me. I wanted to be a physical therapist 100 years ago. I had just gotten married and hadn't had kids yet, and my mom was like, “Nina, you'll never start a family if you embark on this years of work to even become a PT.” She was like, “I just don't think you're gonna like it.” That's just my mom, who was in a different place with different values at the time. And I didn't do it, and it's totally cool. But I've been there. Your friend who hates change might advise against your career pivot, not because it's a bad idea at all, but because change makes them uncomfortable, right?
Kelle: Right, right. Right. Your partner who values security might push you towards the stable option, not because it's what you need, but because it's what they need.
Nina: This doesn't make them bad people. It makes them human, but it means their advice is filtered through their lens, not yours.
Kelle: Here's something that might surprise you. The more people you ask, the more confused you'll become.
Nina: Because every person you consult, right, will have a different opinion based on their different experiences, values, and fears, right?
Kelle: Yeah, so true. And instead of helping you get clearer on what you want, all those voices just create noise that drowns out your own inner knowing.
Nina: You have that. You have an inner knowing. We all do. So, plus, seeking endless input becomes its own form of procrastination. Are we right here, right? You can research and ask and gather opinions forever without ever having to actually take action and make a decision.
Kelle: And really, that's the gold right there, right? We can stay stuck in indecision and just spin on wondering if we're making the right decision over and over again, and just stay right where we are. Right?
So, okay, let's talk about what it looks like to make decisions from self-trust instead of seeking external validation.
Nina: First, you start by getting quiet and asking yourself what you actually want before you ask anyone else what they think you should want.
Kelle: Yeah, yeah, sit with the decision. Feel it in your body, like somatically feel it. Notice what feels expansive and what feels like contractive, what feels light, right? And what feels heavy. Pay attention to what excites you and what drains you.
Nina: Remember from part two of this series, your gut knows things before your brain can articulate them. Trust that initial knowing.
Kelle: Okay, second, you limit your input to one or two people whose judgment you genuinely trust and who understand your values.
Nina: Yeah, not 15. Not 15 people. Not your entire social media network. One or two people. You choose who know you well and want what's best for you, not what would make them feel better.
Kelle: Okay, third, you ask for support, not direction. You say, “Hey, I'm thinking about doing this. Can you help me think through it?” Instead of, “Okay, what should I do? Help me.”
Nina: Yeah, help me uncover some things here, right? Totally. Okay, fourth, oh, we love this one, right, Kel? You set a deadline for your decision. I love this. I literally put this in the calendar. You don't research indefinitely or seek input forever. You don't tell yourself, which we've definitely done, both Kelle and I. I'm in no hurry. I don't need to make a decision right away. You give yourself a reasonable amount of time to gather information if need be, and then you decide.
Kelle: Nina just helped me do this the other day. So good.
Nina: Yeah, and I love it.
Kelle: Okay, and fifth, and this is a big one, you make peace with the fact that no decision is perfect and no choice comes with guarantees.
Nina: You're not trying to find the right decision. This is very Daoist, if anyone studied the Dao. There's no right decision. There's just the decision you make right. You're trying to make a decision that aligns with your values and feels authentic to who you are right now.
Kelle: Yeah, because here's what we know about successful people. They're not the ones who make perfect decisions. They're the ones who make decisions quickly and then make those decisions work.
Nina: They trust themselves to handle whatever happens instead of trying to control all possible outcomes through endless research and input seeking.
Kelle: Yeah, and for most decisions, I'm just going to say, you always have the choice to re-decide.
Nina: Absolutely. We are constantly reminding clients of this because they're like, have I made the right decision? We're like, you can always re-decide. Just like your reason why. Yeah.
Kelle: Nina, let's address what we know they're thinking, what we know our listeners are thinking here. But what if I make the wrong choice? What if I mess up my life?
Nina: Here's the thing. There's no such thing as a wrong choice. Only different paths with different lessons and different outcomes.
Kelle: And the cost of not making decisions, staying stuck, living in limbo, waiting for perfect clarity, is usually higher than the cost of making an imperfect decision and adjusting as you go.
Nina: Yeah, I just kind of want to underline that. Plus, when you make decisions from self-trust, even if the outcome isn't what you expected, you don't have regret in the same way.
Kelle: It's so true because you know you made the best decision you could with the information that you had and the values you hold. You trusted yourself, and that's always the right choice.
Nina: But when you make decisions based on what everyone else thinks you should do and it doesn't work out, you feel resentful and powerless because it wasn't really your choice to begin with.
Kelle: All right, let's talk about what changes when you start making decisions from self-trust instead of seeking endless external validation.
Nina: First, you become more decisive. You don't get stuck in analysis paralysis because you trust your ability to handle uncertainty. This is so key. That's what we're all afraid of, right?
Kelle: Yeah, make the decision and then move on. Keep going. And I just love this second one. It's like, you become more authentic. Your choices start reflecting your actual values instead of what you think will make other people happy.
Nina: It's such a badass way to live. It's so cool.
Kelle: People aren't going to love it. I'm just saying. All the people are not going to love your decisions.
Nina: Yeah, and they do define who you are. That's okay for people not to like them. That's okay by me.
Okay, so third, you become more resilient. This is such gold. When things don't go as planned, you don't fall apart because you trust yourself to adapt and figure it out.
Kelle: Yes, so good. And fourth, you become more confident. Not because you think you're perfect, but because you trust your judgment and your ability to learn from whatever happens.
Nina: Okay, and fifth here, you become more magnetic. And we are not kidding here. When you're living authentically, making choices that align with who you really are, you attract opportunities and people that are genuinely make you feel good, make you show up as the favorite version of yourself.
Kelle: Here's what we need to prepare you for, though. When you stop asking everyone else what to do, like I was just saying, some people might not like it.
Nina: They might be used to being consulted on your major life decisions. They might feel left out or think you're being reckless.
Kelle: Yeah, some people are invested in being needed for their advice. And when you stop needing their input, they might feel less important in your life.
Nina: And some people might question your choices because they don't understand them or because your choices make them reflect on their own lives. That's key. This definitely happens. People might distance themselves because your choices make them take a look at themselves in the mirror, and that is uncomfortable.
Kelle: So true. But here's what we know. The people who truly love you want you to trust yourself and live authentically, even if it takes some adjustment, right?
Nina: Yeah, and the people who are upset that you're making your own decisions, that tells you more about them than it does about you.
Kelle: All right, now let's get practical about how to actually do this because it's one thing to understand it intellectually and it's another thing to put it into practice, right, Nina?
Nina: We were just talking about this. Yes, yes. And if you've been following this series, making decisions that make other people uncomfortable, it might really make you feel sick to your stomach. It's very uncomfortable. So we start with lower-stakes decisions. We practice trusting ourselves on choices that won't dramatically change your life if they don't work out perfectly, right?
Kelle: So true. Maybe it's choosing a restaurant without asking for recommendations. Maybe it's picking a movie without reading the reviews. Maybe it's deciding what to wear without seeking opinions.
Nina: Build your decision-making muscle with these smaller choices so you have confidence, right? When bigger decisions come up.
Kelle: Yeah, and when you do need to make a major decision, give yourself a specific window for gathering input. Maybe it's one week or a month, but set a deadline. We love setting deadlines. We do this all the time. I just set a 90-day deadline. I just did it. Yeah, right?
Nina: During that window, ask yourself what you want before you ask anyone else what they think you should want.
Kelle: And when you do seek input, be intentional about who you ask. Choose people who know your values, who want what's best for you, and who won't try to impose their fears or preferences on your situation.
Nina: And here's something important. Learn to sit with uncertainty without immediately trying to resolve it through research or advice seeking.
Kelle: Y'all, if there's anyone that's sat with a lot of uncertainty lately, I'm here to tell you it is very uncomfortable. But it's not dangerous. You can tolerate not knowing while you gather the information that's actually relevant to your decision.
Nina: Practice saying things like, okay, I'm in discovery right now. Getting clear on my answer, right? Instead of, I don't know, what do you think I should do?
Kelle: And when you do make your decision, own it fully. Don't hedge or apologize or immediately second-guess yourself, please.
Nina: Yeah, you'd say things like, “I've decided to,” instead of, “I think I might,” or everyone thinks I should.
Kelle: Because when you own your decisions fully, you give yourself permission to be excited about them and to put your full energy behind making them work.
Nina: Let's talk about what this looks like in real life because we want you to see how this plays out practically, right?
Kelle: Okay, let's say you're considering a career change. The old way would have been to ask 20 people what they think, research for months, and still feel uncertain.
Nina: Yeah, maybe you're even telling yourself you need a new job before you can let go of the old one. All the stories. So that's part of it. But the new way is to start by asking yourself, “What do I actually want? What feels aligned with my values? What excites me and what drains me about my current situation?”
We just coached a badass client on this last week. We landed somewhere we had no idea where we were going to land. It was really, really cool. Right, Kelle? You know who I'm talking about. This was really, really, really cool. When we actually questioned her and we were like, what do you really want? We went somewhere we never thought we'd go. It was very cool.
Kelle: Oh, like we were all shocked. Okay. Okay, it's so fun. You might talk to one or two trusted people who know your values and can help you think through the practical considerations.
Nina: You might do some targeted research about the logistics of making the change, sure, but you're not trying to research your way to certainty. You're not in your head the whole time, right, Kelle? It's this mind-body connection.
Kelle: Yes, yes. And you set a deadline, maybe one month to gather the information you need, and then you decide.
Nina: Yeah, you trust yourself to handle whatever challenges come up, and you trust that you can adjust course if needed. You can always re-decide. That's what's so key. There's no right decision here again. There's the decision you make right, knowing that if something comes up, you can always re-decide if you like your reason why.
Kelle: Or, let's say you're considering ending a relationship. The old way would be to process it with everyone you know, seeking validation for your decision like, what should I do? Tell me everything, right? Give me all the advice.
Nina: Or even just doubting yourself. Like, am I the crazy one? Maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe this is good. The new way here is to get quiet with yourself first. What are you actually feeling? What are your instincts tell you? What aligns with your values and your vision for your life?
Kelle: Yeah, you might talk to a therapist or one trusted friend who can help you process your feelings or a coach, right? Like Nina and I, we help our clients do this all the time, but you're not taking a poll on what everyone thinks you should do.
Nina: This is not a democracy. It is, but we live in one, but your life isn't. Your life choices aren't. You trust yourself to know what's right for you, even if other people don't understand your choice.
Kelle: Because here's what we want you to understand. You are the expert on your own life.
Nina: I was just telling Kelle this, and I'll share it again because when I told my husband our marriage was over after all the betrayal and even most recent betrayal, that really I couldn't not see what I was seeing. It really made me realize enough was enough. I still went back to him the next day and asked if he was sure there was nothing left on the table. I mean, I really wanted to make sure there wasn't a crumb left here. I wanted to make sure there was just nothing.
My point is, do that. Make sure. Make sure. And then if you've second thoughts, explore those. And then like your reason why you land on the decision you make. In my case, I realized in circling back to him that this was my pattern, one I wanted to break. To constantly give the benefit of the doubt, to lean too hard on hope alone that he would change. When I noticed this, I circled back to myself and my truth that he had some things to look at and work to do that I didn't want to be a part of that work anymore, that I deserved more, and that the marriage was over.
So listen, you're the one who has to live with your choices. You're the one who knows your values, your dreams, your non-negotiables.
Kelle: Yeah, and I just want to point out, Nina, that you were just saying that he had some work to do. And to just even the playing field a little bit, you had some work to do too, and you have done so much work. Like so much.
Nina: It's so true. All of that is true. It was not a one-way street. It was a two-way street. Get into that more with that later, but it's absolutely true. And the best decision was to reorganize our family in a healthier way.
Kelle: So, you're the one who has access to your intuition, to your gut feelings, your deepest knowing about what's right for you.
Nina: Other people can offer perspectives and support, but they can't and shouldn't make your decisions for you.
Kelle: And here's something beautiful that happens when you start trusting yourself to make your own decisions. You become more trustworthy to yourself.
Nina: Yeah, every time you make a decision from your own values and wisdom, every time you trust yourself instead of outsourcing to others, you're building that self-trust we talked about in part one.
Kelle: Yeah, you're proving to yourself that you can handle responsibility, that your judgment is valuable, that you're capable of navigating your own life.
Nina: And that creates a positive feedback loop, right? The more you trust yourself, the better decisions you make. The better decisions you make, the more you trust yourself.
Kelle: Yeah, so let's bring this entire trust series together because everything we talked about builds on everything else.
Nina: Yeah, so in part one, we talked about building self-trust through keeping small promises to yourself, through being consistent and reliable in your relationship with yourself.
Kelle: Yes, and then in part two, we talked about trusting your gut instincts, learning to distinguish between anxiety and intuition, and honoring your internal guidance system.
Nina: And today in part three, we've talked about putting all of that into action by making decisions from self-trust instead of seeking endless external validation.
Kelle: But here's what ties it all together. Trust is a practice, not a destination.
Nina: This is so important. You don't just build self-trust once and then you're done. You don't learn to trust your gut once and then it's automatic. You don't stop seeking external validation once and never struggle with it again. Kelle, this reminds me of our coach, Brooke, how she had an analogy about going to the gym. Like you can't go to the gym once to get strong.
Kelle: Yeah, or you can't go to yoga once and then you're stretchy, right? As in yoga, practice makes practice. Practice does not make perfect, right? This is ongoing work. It's a daily choice to trust yourself, to honor your instincts, to make decisions from your own wisdom.
Nina: And some days will be easier than others. Some decisions will feel clear, and others will feel murky, uncertain.
Kelle: Yeah, the goal isn't to never feel uncertain. The goal is to be able to tolerate uncertainty while still trusting yourself to navigate whatever comes.
Nina: Yeah, so your homework this week, and really for lif,e is to practice making one decision from self-trust instead of seeking external validation.
Kelle: Start small if you need to. Choose a restaurant, pick a movie, decide on a weekend plan without asking other people for input.
Nina: Or if you're facing a bigger decision, give yourself a specific window for gathering information and then trust yourself to decide.
Kelle: Yeah, notice what comes up when you don't immediately seek other people's opinions. Notice the urge to ask for validation and practice sitting with that discomfort.
Nina: Because learning to tolerate the discomfort of making your own decisions is how you reclaim your power.
Kelle: And as we wrap up this trust series, we want you to remember something. You already have everything you need to make good decisions for your life.
Nina: You have your values, your instincts, your life experience, and your wisdom. You have the ability to learn and adapt and course correct as you go.
Kelle: You don't need anyone else's permission to trust yourself. You don't need anyone else's approval to live your own life.
Nina: The most successful, fulfilled people we know aren't the ones who have all the answers. They're the ones who trust themselves to figure it out as they go.
Kelle: It's so true. They're the ones who would rather make an imperfect decision from self-trust than a perfect decision from other people's advice.
Nina: Yeah, so stop asking everyone else what you should do with your life, Rockstar. Start asking yourself.
Kelle: Start trusting the wisdom that's already inside you. Start making decisions that align with who you actually are, not who you think you should be.
Nina: Because again, your life is not a democracy. It's not a committee decision. It's yours to live.
Kelle: And you're the only one qualified to make it beautiful and yours.
Nina: All right, thanks for joining us today and for the whole trust series. We hope it's changed how you think about trusting yourself because, honestly, that changes everything.
Kelle: So true. All right, until next time, thank you so much for being here, and practice making your life your own.
Nina: Thanks for being here. See you next time.
Hey rockstars, ready to make this fall different? To stop cycling through the same old patterns of people pleasing, perfectionism, and overwhelm? It's time to break free. We have limited spots open for coaching this fall. So schedule a consultation with us at kelleandnina.com and let's get to work on actually implementing the tools and systems, and concepts that you hear us talk about here on Ambitious-ish, so you can actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create. Don't wait. This is your reset opportunity. Visit kelleandnina.com.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: The last big one, right? Even a small one. Your mom, your best friend, your mentor, your partner, the person on the internet with the inspiring LinkedIn posts. You probably spent weeks gathering input, researching every angle, and polling everyone in your circle.
Kelle: Then you still didn't feel confident about your choice.
Nina: Here's what's really happening. Constant advice seeking isn't thorough decision-making. It's self-abandonment disguised as research.
Kelle: Yeah, right. You already know what you want to do. You're just afraid to trust yourself enough to do it without everyone else's permission.
Nina: The uncomfortable truth here, no amount of external validation can give you the confidence that only comes from trusting your own judgment.
Kelle: Yeah, this is part three of our trust series, why over researching keeps you stuck, how to distinguish between getting support and outsourcing your decisions, and how to make choices that don't make sense to other people but feel completely right for you.
Nina: Because the most successful people aren't the ones who get the most advice. They're the ones who trust themselves enough to make decisions with incomplete information.
Kelle: All right, are you ready to stop making your life choices a democracy? Let's go. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And welcome to part three, the finale of our trust series. Over the past two episodes, we've talked about building self-trust as your foundation and learning to trust your gut instincts.
Kelle: Today we're talking about why constant advice seeking is actually self-abandonment, how to distinguish between getting support and giving away your power, and how to make choices that feel completely right to you, even when they don't make sense to anyone else.
Nina: This is about taking everything we've built in this series and putting it into action. It's about becoming the person who trusts themselves enough to live their own life.
Kelle: So buckle up because by the end of this episode, you're going to have permission to stop making your life a democracy.
Nina: Let's start with some truth-telling, like we do here. How many people did you consult before making your last decision?
Kelle: Okay. This is just hitting home already, but maybe you were considering a career change. So you asked your mom, your best friend, your mentor, your partner, three people from your networking group, and that person on LinkedIn who posts inspiring content.
Nina: Maybe you were thinking about ending a relationship. So you talked to your therapist, your sister, your colleague, and basically anyone who would listen.
Kelle: Maybe you were deciding whether to start a business. So you research for months, read every article, joined Facebook groups, and asked for opinions from everyone who had ever thought about entrepreneurship.
Nina: And after all that input, all that research, all the conversations, you still didn't feel confident about your choice.
Kelle: In fact, you probably, if you're like most of us, felt more confused than when you started. Because now you have 15 different opinions rattling around in your head, and you have no idea which voice was actually yours.
Nina: Here's what we want you to understand. This isn't thorough decision-making. This is kind of self-abandonment disguised as research.
Kelle: Because the truth is, you already knew what you wanted to do before you asked the first person. You're just afraid to trust yourself enough to do it without everyone else's permission.
Nina: Oof, and we get it. We've been programmed to believe that smart people gather lots of input, that wise people consider all perspectives, right? 360-degree view. That responsible people don't make decisions alone. And honestly, that there is a right choice and a wrong choice, right?
Kelle: Ugh, so true. You nailed that one. But here's what the programming is really doing. It's keeping you stuck in other people's lives instead of living your own.
Nina: Oh my God, is this singing to anyone but me here? Let's talk about why we've been conditioned to seek so much external input. Because understanding this is key to breaking the pattern.
Kelle: Okay, first, you were probably raised to believe that asking for advice shows wisdom or humility. That independent decision-making is somehow arrogant or reckless.
Nina: Yeah, you learned that “good” people, quote unquote, consider everyone else's feelings and opinions before making choices that affect their own lives.
Kelle: So good. Good people and really smart people, right? Okay, second, many of us learned early that our judgment wasn't trustworthy. So maybe your decisions were criticized, or you were told that you were too young or too inexperienced to know what was best for you.
Nina: So you started looking outside yourself for validation and direction, thinking that other people's perspectives were somehow more valuable than your own inner knowing.
Kelle: And third, the productivity obsession taught you that more information always leads to better decisions. What? That if you just research enough, ask enough people, consider enough angles, you'll find the right answer.
Nina: But here's what all that seeking is really about. It's about trying to avoid responsibility for your choices by spreading the decision-making across multiple people, right?
Kelle: It's so true, because if everyone agrees with your choice and it doesn't work out, it's not really your fault, right? If you followed everyone's advice and things go wrong, you can't be blamed.
Nina: The problem with that approach, right? When you give away the responsibility for your decisions, you also give away your power.
Kelle: Yeah, and you can't build a life you love from a place of powerlessness.
Nina: So let's talk about the difference between getting support and outsourcing your decisions. Because there is a difference here.
Kelle: Yeah, getting support means sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted people who help you process what you think and feel.
Nina: Yeah, outsourcing means asking other people to tell you what to do because you don't trust yourself, your own judgment.
Kelle: I mean, Nina, how many clients come to us and say, "Just tell me what to do," right?
Nina: Tell me what to do. Where do you think I should go from here? Right? What are your thoughts? Yeah, and they get a little upset when we're like, “What do you think you should do?” When we put it back on them. That's what coaching's all about. It's helping our clients make decisions that are in alignment with what they want to create. We don't have all the answers, right?
Kelle: We don't. We definitely have some opinions sometimes, and we'll share those when we feel like we really need to. But yeah, going back to this, right? Because I'm getting off track here. Support sounds like, “I'm thinking about making this change. Can I talk through my thoughts with you?”
Nina: Outsourcing might sound like, “Should I make this change? What would you do in my situation?” And just a sec here, these conversations kind of require a friend who's in emotional adulthood. Right? I have to say the heaviest, most difficult things I've been through in life, my friends have been so amazing in not telling me what they think I should do. Some of them did. Some of them were like, you know, fucking run. But so many of my friends were just like, we're so here for you, we're going to hold the space for you. Keep talking. Why do you feel that way? You've got this. You've got this. You've got this. I just wanted to point that out. Does that make sense?
Kelle: It's so true. That's so true.
Nina: You find out who's available for this kind of work or big decision-making when you engage your friends in this way.
Kelle: Well, yes, yes, and you get to peel back the layers on who you really are, right? And not just what you should do. Okay, so support helps you get clearer on what you want, just like we were saying. Outsourcing gives you what they think you should want.
Nina: Yeah, support honors your autonomy while providing connection, right? Ugh, this is where friendship, it just is gold. Outsourcing trades your autonomy for this illusion of safety, right?
Kelle: And, and here's what's crucial. The people who love you the most might not give you the best advice for your life.
Nina: This is true. They love you. Everything they're doing is coming from love, but they might be filtering your situation through their own fears, their own values, their own idea of what success looks like. This is really key.
Kelle: So much is coming up for me right now with this because yes, the same thing. People are giving me their opinions, and you're right, I need to stop asking or talking to other people.
Nina: Well, just know that it's their filter, right?
Kelle: Right, right. That's true. So true. Okay. So, your risk-averse parent, going back to this, might discourage you from starting a business not because it's wrong for you, but because it feels scary to them.
Nina: This totally happened to me. I wanted to be a physical therapist 100 years ago. I had just gotten married and hadn't had kids yet, and my mom was like, “Nina, you'll never start a family if you embark on this years of work to even become a PT.” She was like, “I just don't think you're gonna like it.” That's just my mom, who was in a different place with different values at the time. And I didn't do it, and it's totally cool. But I've been there. Your friend who hates change might advise against your career pivot, not because it's a bad idea at all, but because change makes them uncomfortable, right?
Kelle: Right, right. Right. Your partner who values security might push you towards the stable option, not because it's what you need, but because it's what they need.
Nina: This doesn't make them bad people. It makes them human, but it means their advice is filtered through their lens, not yours.
Kelle: Here's something that might surprise you. The more people you ask, the more confused you'll become.
Nina: Because every person you consult, right, will have a different opinion based on their different experiences, values, and fears, right?
Kelle: Yeah, so true. And instead of helping you get clearer on what you want, all those voices just create noise that drowns out your own inner knowing.
Nina: You have that. You have an inner knowing. We all do. So, plus, seeking endless input becomes its own form of procrastination. Are we right here, right? You can research and ask and gather opinions forever without ever having to actually take action and make a decision.
Kelle: And really, that's the gold right there, right? We can stay stuck in indecision and just spin on wondering if we're making the right decision over and over again, and just stay right where we are. Right?
So, okay, let's talk about what it looks like to make decisions from self-trust instead of seeking external validation.
Nina: First, you start by getting quiet and asking yourself what you actually want before you ask anyone else what they think you should want.
Kelle: Yeah, yeah, sit with the decision. Feel it in your body, like somatically feel it. Notice what feels expansive and what feels like contractive, what feels light, right? And what feels heavy. Pay attention to what excites you and what drains you.
Nina: Remember from part two of this series, your gut knows things before your brain can articulate them. Trust that initial knowing.
Kelle: Okay, second, you limit your input to one or two people whose judgment you genuinely trust and who understand your values.
Nina: Yeah, not 15. Not 15 people. Not your entire social media network. One or two people. You choose who know you well and want what's best for you, not what would make them feel better.
Kelle: Okay, third, you ask for support, not direction. You say, “Hey, I'm thinking about doing this. Can you help me think through it?” Instead of, “Okay, what should I do? Help me.”
Nina: Yeah, help me uncover some things here, right? Totally. Okay, fourth, oh, we love this one, right, Kel? You set a deadline for your decision. I love this. I literally put this in the calendar. You don't research indefinitely or seek input forever. You don't tell yourself, which we've definitely done, both Kelle and I. I'm in no hurry. I don't need to make a decision right away. You give yourself a reasonable amount of time to gather information if need be, and then you decide.
Kelle: Nina just helped me do this the other day. So good.
Nina: Yeah, and I love it.
Kelle: Okay, and fifth, and this is a big one, you make peace with the fact that no decision is perfect and no choice comes with guarantees.
Nina: You're not trying to find the right decision. This is very Daoist, if anyone studied the Dao. There's no right decision. There's just the decision you make right. You're trying to make a decision that aligns with your values and feels authentic to who you are right now.
Kelle: Yeah, because here's what we know about successful people. They're not the ones who make perfect decisions. They're the ones who make decisions quickly and then make those decisions work.
Nina: They trust themselves to handle whatever happens instead of trying to control all possible outcomes through endless research and input seeking.
Kelle: Yeah, and for most decisions, I'm just going to say, you always have the choice to re-decide.
Nina: Absolutely. We are constantly reminding clients of this because they're like, have I made the right decision? We're like, you can always re-decide. Just like your reason why. Yeah.
Kelle: Nina, let's address what we know they're thinking, what we know our listeners are thinking here. But what if I make the wrong choice? What if I mess up my life?
Nina: Here's the thing. There's no such thing as a wrong choice. Only different paths with different lessons and different outcomes.
Kelle: And the cost of not making decisions, staying stuck, living in limbo, waiting for perfect clarity, is usually higher than the cost of making an imperfect decision and adjusting as you go.
Nina: Yeah, I just kind of want to underline that. Plus, when you make decisions from self-trust, even if the outcome isn't what you expected, you don't have regret in the same way.
Kelle: It's so true because you know you made the best decision you could with the information that you had and the values you hold. You trusted yourself, and that's always the right choice.
Nina: But when you make decisions based on what everyone else thinks you should do and it doesn't work out, you feel resentful and powerless because it wasn't really your choice to begin with.
Kelle: All right, let's talk about what changes when you start making decisions from self-trust instead of seeking endless external validation.
Nina: First, you become more decisive. You don't get stuck in analysis paralysis because you trust your ability to handle uncertainty. This is so key. That's what we're all afraid of, right?
Kelle: Yeah, make the decision and then move on. Keep going. And I just love this second one. It's like, you become more authentic. Your choices start reflecting your actual values instead of what you think will make other people happy.
Nina: It's such a badass way to live. It's so cool.
Kelle: People aren't going to love it. I'm just saying. All the people are not going to love your decisions.
Nina: Yeah, and they do define who you are. That's okay for people not to like them. That's okay by me.
Okay, so third, you become more resilient. This is such gold. When things don't go as planned, you don't fall apart because you trust yourself to adapt and figure it out.
Kelle: Yes, so good. And fourth, you become more confident. Not because you think you're perfect, but because you trust your judgment and your ability to learn from whatever happens.
Nina: Okay, and fifth here, you become more magnetic. And we are not kidding here. When you're living authentically, making choices that align with who you really are, you attract opportunities and people that are genuinely make you feel good, make you show up as the favorite version of yourself.
Kelle: Here's what we need to prepare you for, though. When you stop asking everyone else what to do, like I was just saying, some people might not like it.
Nina: They might be used to being consulted on your major life decisions. They might feel left out or think you're being reckless.
Kelle: Yeah, some people are invested in being needed for their advice. And when you stop needing their input, they might feel less important in your life.
Nina: And some people might question your choices because they don't understand them or because your choices make them reflect on their own lives. That's key. This definitely happens. People might distance themselves because your choices make them take a look at themselves in the mirror, and that is uncomfortable.
Kelle: So true. But here's what we know. The people who truly love you want you to trust yourself and live authentically, even if it takes some adjustment, right?
Nina: Yeah, and the people who are upset that you're making your own decisions, that tells you more about them than it does about you.
Kelle: All right, now let's get practical about how to actually do this because it's one thing to understand it intellectually and it's another thing to put it into practice, right, Nina?
Nina: We were just talking about this. Yes, yes. And if you've been following this series, making decisions that make other people uncomfortable, it might really make you feel sick to your stomach. It's very uncomfortable. So we start with lower-stakes decisions. We practice trusting ourselves on choices that won't dramatically change your life if they don't work out perfectly, right?
Kelle: So true. Maybe it's choosing a restaurant without asking for recommendations. Maybe it's picking a movie without reading the reviews. Maybe it's deciding what to wear without seeking opinions.
Nina: Build your decision-making muscle with these smaller choices so you have confidence, right? When bigger decisions come up.
Kelle: Yeah, and when you do need to make a major decision, give yourself a specific window for gathering input. Maybe it's one week or a month, but set a deadline. We love setting deadlines. We do this all the time. I just set a 90-day deadline. I just did it. Yeah, right?
Nina: During that window, ask yourself what you want before you ask anyone else what they think you should want.
Kelle: And when you do seek input, be intentional about who you ask. Choose people who know your values, who want what's best for you, and who won't try to impose their fears or preferences on your situation.
Nina: And here's something important. Learn to sit with uncertainty without immediately trying to resolve it through research or advice seeking.
Kelle: Y'all, if there's anyone that's sat with a lot of uncertainty lately, I'm here to tell you it is very uncomfortable. But it's not dangerous. You can tolerate not knowing while you gather the information that's actually relevant to your decision.
Nina: Practice saying things like, okay, I'm in discovery right now. Getting clear on my answer, right? Instead of, I don't know, what do you think I should do?
Kelle: And when you do make your decision, own it fully. Don't hedge or apologize or immediately second-guess yourself, please.
Nina: Yeah, you'd say things like, “I've decided to,” instead of, “I think I might,” or everyone thinks I should.
Kelle: Because when you own your decisions fully, you give yourself permission to be excited about them and to put your full energy behind making them work.
Nina: Let's talk about what this looks like in real life because we want you to see how this plays out practically, right?
Kelle: Okay, let's say you're considering a career change. The old way would have been to ask 20 people what they think, research for months, and still feel uncertain.
Nina: Yeah, maybe you're even telling yourself you need a new job before you can let go of the old one. All the stories. So that's part of it. But the new way is to start by asking yourself, “What do I actually want? What feels aligned with my values? What excites me and what drains me about my current situation?”
We just coached a badass client on this last week. We landed somewhere we had no idea where we were going to land. It was really, really cool. Right, Kelle? You know who I'm talking about. This was really, really, really cool. When we actually questioned her and we were like, what do you really want? We went somewhere we never thought we'd go. It was very cool.
Kelle: Oh, like we were all shocked. Okay. Okay, it's so fun. You might talk to one or two trusted people who know your values and can help you think through the practical considerations.
Nina: You might do some targeted research about the logistics of making the change, sure, but you're not trying to research your way to certainty. You're not in your head the whole time, right, Kelle? It's this mind-body connection.
Kelle: Yes, yes. And you set a deadline, maybe one month to gather the information you need, and then you decide.
Nina: Yeah, you trust yourself to handle whatever challenges come up, and you trust that you can adjust course if needed. You can always re-decide. That's what's so key. There's no right decision here again. There's the decision you make right, knowing that if something comes up, you can always re-decide if you like your reason why.
Kelle: Or, let's say you're considering ending a relationship. The old way would be to process it with everyone you know, seeking validation for your decision like, what should I do? Tell me everything, right? Give me all the advice.
Nina: Or even just doubting yourself. Like, am I the crazy one? Maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe this is good. The new way here is to get quiet with yourself first. What are you actually feeling? What are your instincts tell you? What aligns with your values and your vision for your life?
Kelle: Yeah, you might talk to a therapist or one trusted friend who can help you process your feelings or a coach, right? Like Nina and I, we help our clients do this all the time, but you're not taking a poll on what everyone thinks you should do.
Nina: This is not a democracy. It is, but we live in one, but your life isn't. Your life choices aren't. You trust yourself to know what's right for you, even if other people don't understand your choice.
Kelle: Because here's what we want you to understand. You are the expert on your own life.
Nina: I was just telling Kelle this, and I'll share it again because when I told my husband our marriage was over after all the betrayal and even most recent betrayal, that really I couldn't not see what I was seeing. It really made me realize enough was enough. I still went back to him the next day and asked if he was sure there was nothing left on the table. I mean, I really wanted to make sure there wasn't a crumb left here. I wanted to make sure there was just nothing.
My point is, do that. Make sure. Make sure. And then if you've second thoughts, explore those. And then like your reason why you land on the decision you make. In my case, I realized in circling back to him that this was my pattern, one I wanted to break. To constantly give the benefit of the doubt, to lean too hard on hope alone that he would change. When I noticed this, I circled back to myself and my truth that he had some things to look at and work to do that I didn't want to be a part of that work anymore, that I deserved more, and that the marriage was over.
So listen, you're the one who has to live with your choices. You're the one who knows your values, your dreams, your non-negotiables.
Kelle: Yeah, and I just want to point out, Nina, that you were just saying that he had some work to do. And to just even the playing field a little bit, you had some work to do too, and you have done so much work. Like so much.
Nina: It's so true. All of that is true. It was not a one-way street. It was a two-way street. Get into that more with that later, but it's absolutely true. And the best decision was to reorganize our family in a healthier way.
Kelle: So, you're the one who has access to your intuition, to your gut feelings, your deepest knowing about what's right for you.
Nina: Other people can offer perspectives and support, but they can't and shouldn't make your decisions for you.
Kelle: And here's something beautiful that happens when you start trusting yourself to make your own decisions. You become more trustworthy to yourself.
Nina: Yeah, every time you make a decision from your own values and wisdom, every time you trust yourself instead of outsourcing to others, you're building that self-trust we talked about in part one.
Kelle: Yeah, you're proving to yourself that you can handle responsibility, that your judgment is valuable, that you're capable of navigating your own life.
Nina: And that creates a positive feedback loop, right? The more you trust yourself, the better decisions you make. The better decisions you make, the more you trust yourself.
Kelle: Yeah, so let's bring this entire trust series together because everything we talked about builds on everything else.
Nina: Yeah, so in part one, we talked about building self-trust through keeping small promises to yourself, through being consistent and reliable in your relationship with yourself.
Kelle: Yes, and then in part two, we talked about trusting your gut instincts, learning to distinguish between anxiety and intuition, and honoring your internal guidance system.
Nina: And today in part three, we've talked about putting all of that into action by making decisions from self-trust instead of seeking endless external validation.
Kelle: But here's what ties it all together. Trust is a practice, not a destination.
Nina: This is so important. You don't just build self-trust once and then you're done. You don't learn to trust your gut once and then it's automatic. You don't stop seeking external validation once and never struggle with it again. Kelle, this reminds me of our coach, Brooke, how she had an analogy about going to the gym. Like you can't go to the gym once to get strong.
Kelle: Yeah, or you can't go to yoga once and then you're stretchy, right? As in yoga, practice makes practice. Practice does not make perfect, right? This is ongoing work. It's a daily choice to trust yourself, to honor your instincts, to make decisions from your own wisdom.
Nina: And some days will be easier than others. Some decisions will feel clear, and others will feel murky, uncertain.
Kelle: Yeah, the goal isn't to never feel uncertain. The goal is to be able to tolerate uncertainty while still trusting yourself to navigate whatever comes.
Nina: Yeah, so your homework this week, and really for lif,e is to practice making one decision from self-trust instead of seeking external validation.
Kelle: Start small if you need to. Choose a restaurant, pick a movie, decide on a weekend plan without asking other people for input.
Nina: Or if you're facing a bigger decision, give yourself a specific window for gathering information and then trust yourself to decide.
Kelle: Yeah, notice what comes up when you don't immediately seek other people's opinions. Notice the urge to ask for validation and practice sitting with that discomfort.
Nina: Because learning to tolerate the discomfort of making your own decisions is how you reclaim your power.
Kelle: And as we wrap up this trust series, we want you to remember something. You already have everything you need to make good decisions for your life.
Nina: You have your values, your instincts, your life experience, and your wisdom. You have the ability to learn and adapt and course correct as you go.
Kelle: You don't need anyone else's permission to trust yourself. You don't need anyone else's approval to live your own life.
Nina: The most successful, fulfilled people we know aren't the ones who have all the answers. They're the ones who trust themselves to figure it out as they go.
Kelle: It's so true. They're the ones who would rather make an imperfect decision from self-trust than a perfect decision from other people's advice.
Nina: Yeah, so stop asking everyone else what you should do with your life, Rockstar. Start asking yourself.
Kelle: Start trusting the wisdom that's already inside you. Start making decisions that align with who you actually are, not who you think you should be.
Nina: Because again, your life is not a democracy. It's not a committee decision. It's yours to live.
Kelle: And you're the only one qualified to make it beautiful and yours.
Nina: All right, thanks for joining us today and for the whole trust series. We hope it's changed how you think about trusting yourself because, honestly, that changes everything.
Kelle: So true. All right, until next time, thank you so much for being here, and practice making your life your own.
Nina: Thanks for being here. See you next time.
Hey rockstars, ready to make this fall different? To stop cycling through the same old patterns of people pleasing, perfectionism, and overwhelm? It's time to break free. We have limited spots open for coaching this fall. So schedule a consultation with us at kelleandnina.com and let's get to work on actually implementing the tools and systems, and concepts that you hear us talk about here on Ambitious-ish, so you can actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create. Don't wait. This is your reset opportunity. Visit kelleandnina.com.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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