77. Self-Trust is Everything & Why You've Been Doing it Wrong (Self-Trust Series Part 1)
How many promises have you broken to yourself this week? Every time you say you'll take a lunch break and don't, or agree to something you didn’t want to do, you chip away at your self-trust. And when that trust is shaky, it gets harder to make bold decisions, hold boundaries, or believe in your own judgment. Self-trust is the operating system everything else runs on. Without it, things fall apart.
This week, we’re launching our trust series by getting to the root of it all. What is trust, really? And why does self-trust matter more than you might think? It’s not built through grand gestures or broken only by major betrayals. It's shaped in small, everyday moments when your actions align with your intentions, when you follow through on what you say, and when you show up the way you meant to.
After coaching hundreds of ambitious women, we’ve seen how often they try to build lives, careers, and relationships on top of shaky self-trust. In this episode, we’ll help you spot how trust breaks down in daily life, why it matters more than you realize, and how to start rebuilding it one small promise at a time. You’ll walk away knowing exactly how to become someone you can count on, starting today.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why self-trust is the foundation of everything else (not just a nice-to-have).
How trust is built through consistent small actions over time.
The specific ways ambitious women struggle with self-trust and external validation.
What broken self-trust looks like in everyday decisions.
Why rebuilding self-trust might make some people in your life uncomfortable.
How to strengthen self-trust through realistic consistency, not perfectionism.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: Hey there. How many promises have you broken to yourself this week?
Nina: Yeah, maybe you said you'd set boundaries and then said yes to something you didn't want to do. Maybe you said you'd prioritize your health, and then worked through lunch again. Maybe you said you'd stop people-pleasing and spent the weekend doing things for others instead of what you actually wanted.
Kelle: Here's what's really happening. Every time you break a promise to yourself, you're eroding the foundation of everything else you want to build.
Nina: Because self-trust isn't just nice to have. It's the operating system that everything else runs on.
Kelle: It's so true. Without self-trust, you can't take the risk necessary to build the life you want.
Nina: You can't trust your judgment about other people.
Kelle: Yeah, you can't set boundaries that actually stick.
Nina: And you can't believe in your ability to achieve your goals.
Kelle: That's why today, we're starting our trust series with this episode as a foundation. What trust actually is, how it gets broken in tiny moments every day, and why self-trust is the root of literally everything.
Nina: Because you can't build a skyscraper on quicksand, Rockstar, and you can't build a successful life on broken self-trust.
Kelle: Ready to become someone you can count on? Let's go. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And before we jump in today, I wanted to kick things off with just a little thank you, Kelle. Just wanting to thank our listeners for being here today and every day, and for listening to our show. I think it's so interesting being a podcaster. I mean, that's what we are here, as well as coaches, entrepreneurs, CEOs, and CMOs. Kelle's our CFO. I am not the CFO. Moms, partners, all of it. What we love about podcasting is the access we have to you and you to us.
So, podcasting is changing a lot right now, and it's all about audience growth and audience farming. And while we would love to continue to share this work with every woman on the planet and help her see, right, that there's another way, right? You can actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create. We also already have a really loyal audience, and one we know wants to go deeper. We give a lot away for free here on Ambitious-ish, and we do it gladly, without reservation. So, please do share the show when something really sings to you. But I think we have an opportunity to go deeper sometimes, too, right, Kel?
And that's part of what we're doing today with the launch of this series, all about trust and self-trust. We'll launch a burnout series for you in a few weeks, too, all as an opportunity to invite you to go deeper in your process, in your work. Sometimes we do, honestly, hesitate here because we're like, "Wait, shouldn't we hold some of this back?" Right? Maybe invite our listeners to coach with us. But that just doesn't always feel aligned, right? Coaching with us is, of course, gold, by the way, and so many of you have tapped us to help you transform and grow. But this really is my favorite part of our work: giving away our gold in this podcast format.
And listen, we're not for everyone, and this deeper series of episodes might not be for you, no prob. This is a gift to our loyal listeners. You are, I keep saying it, you're our gold. We are cheering you here and would love to hear more from you. So, DM us or text us. You guys know how to reach us. I love that we're talking about trust today because I feel like we've developed that with you all. There's this know, like, trust we love about this show, and we're so here for it.
All righty, again, just some high fives, disclaimers, and thank yous real quick. Let's jump in.
Kelle: Yeah. So good, Nina. Okay, so today we're starting something that might just change how you think about every relationship in your life, including the most important one.
Nina: Yeah, we're launching our trust series. And part one here is about something so fundamental that most people never actually think about it: what trust really is and why it's the foundation of literally everything. Because here's what we've discovered after coaching hundreds of ambitious women just like you: most of you are trying to build successful lives, careers, and relationships on a foundation of broken self-trust.
Kelle: Ah, and that's like trying to build a skyscraper on quicksand. It doesn't matter how hard you work or how many skills you develop. Without trust as a foundation, everything else is unstable.
Nina: Yeah, today we're going back to basics. We're talking about what trust actually is, how it gets broken, how it gets built, and why self-trust is the root of everything else you want to create.
Kelle: Oh, so buckle up because we're about to challenge everything you think you know about trust and show you why it's the missing piece you didn't know that you were missing.
Nina: All right, let's start with some truth-telling, like we do, right? When we say the word trust, what comes to mind?
Kelle: If you're like most people, you probably think about big betrayals: infidelity, lies, someone breaking their word in a major way.
Nina: But here's what we want you to understand. Trust isn't just about the big moments. Trust is built and broken in thousands of tiny moments every single day.
Kelle: It's so true. Trust is what happens when your actions consistently match your words. When you do what you say you're going to do, when you say it, how you say you're going to do it.
Nina: Yeah, you mean what you say and you say what you mean, right? And self-trust, that's when your actions consistently match your words to yourself.
Kelle: So, think about it. How many times have you told yourself you were going to do something and then you didn't follow through?
Nina: Yeah, maybe you said you were going to set boundaries and then said yes to something you didn't want to do, right? Maybe you said you were going to prioritize your health, and then worked through lunch again.
Kelle: Yeah, maybe you said you were going to stop people-pleasing, and then you spent the weekend doing things for others instead of the things that you actually wanted to do for yourself.
Nina: Every time you break a promise to yourself, you're eroding self-trust. And here's why that matters more than you think.
Kelle: It matters because self-trust is the foundation of everything else. We've said it before, we're going to say it again, if you don't trust yourself, how can you trust your judgment about other people?
Nina: If you don't trust yourself to follow through on your own commitments, how can you believe in your ability to achieve your goals?
Kelle: If you don't trust yourself to have your own back, how can you take risks necessary to build the life you want?
Nina: Self-trust isn't just a nice-to-have. It's the operating system that everything else runs on.
Kelle: All right, so let's talk about what trust actually is because most people, I think, have never really defined it.
Nina: Yeah, trust is the confidence that someone will act in alignment with their stated values and commitments, especially when it's difficult or inconvenient.
Kelle: Mhm. It's not just believing someone will do what they say when it's easy. It's believing they'll do what they say even when it costs them something.
Nina: This is gold. And self-trust is the confidence that you will act in alignment with your stated values and commitments, especially when it's difficult or inconvenient.
Kelle: It's trusting yourself to follow through on boundaries even when someone pushes back. It's trusting yourself to pursue your goals even when you don't feel like it.
Nina: It's trusting yourself to make decisions that align with your values, not just what looks good to other people.
Kelle: Oh, that's a good one. Now, let's talk about how trust gets built because this is where most people get it wrong.
Nina: Trust isn't built through grand gestures or big promises, right? Trust is built through consistent, small actions over time.
Kelle: Yeah, it's showing up when you say you will. It's doing what you say you will do. It's being who you said you would be, day after day, choice after choice.
Nina: And the same is true for self-trust. You don't build self-trust by making huge commitments to yourself that you can't keep.
Kelle: Yeah, you build self-trust by making small promises to yourself and following through, by proving to yourself over and over that you can count on you.
Nina: Maybe it's committing to a drink of water before coffee and actually doing it. Maybe it's saying you'll go to bed at a certain time and follow through.
Kelle: Mhm. Yeah, maybe it's setting a boundary with someone and not backing down when they test it.
Nina: I actually was just talking to a client this week, and she's about to drop her son off at college, as most of us are. And she was like, "I'm not going to check email all weekend." And I was like, "Let's be real. Is that a promise you want to make to yourself?" Because I feel like that's going to be broken. But it's these small things, and we actually worked it out. We workshopped it, and we actually scheduled times for her to check her email over the course of the weekend so that she wouldn't be lying to herself, right? And she wouldn't be chipping away at her self-trust. We also did the same with Slack, if I'm being real. She was like, "I'm not going to check Slack." I'm like, "Let's be real."
But listen, each time you follow through on a commitment to yourself, you're making a deposit into your self-trust account.
Kelle: But here's how trust gets broken. And this is crucial to understand.
Nina: Yeah, trust doesn't just get broken through big betrayals. Trust gets eroded through small inconsistencies that add up over time. You guys, if you know us, you know my history. This is something I've experienced personally. And if you've been following us again, you know, there was a lot of betrayal in my marriage. And for more background here, you can head to Episode 39. It's actually a, it's actually a really, a really popular one. But this is a very personal topic, so we'll keep going here.
Kelle: Yes, yes. Okay. It's saying you'll call and then not calling. It's saying you'll be somewhere and then showing up late. It's saying you'll value something and then acting in ways that contradict that value.
Nina: I got to bring another example in here. So, I was hanging out with someone this weekend who was exhausted. You could tell they were just fried. They'd had a huge week. And I kept asking them, "Are you okay? Are you tired? Do you want to go out to dinner tonight? Do you want to just stay in? What do you want to do? What's up?" And they kept just being like, "No, I'm great. What? No, no, everything's fine." And I just knew I could sniff it out. They were trying to suck something up or something, right?
They addressed it later and just said, "You know, I was really stressed this past weekend. You know, I know you pointed it out and I really was. I can tell you now that I was." And I just went, "Huh, I wonder what held you back from being honest about that at the time, you know? I wonder what held you back." Oh, I said, "I wonder what held you back from being honest about that." And they said, "Well, I wasn't being dishonest." And I was just kind of like, "Hmm, say what you mean, mean what you say." Right?
It's just these small little things that are kind of baked into the early stages of a friendship or a colleague's way of being, right? That's where it begins is my point. These are just small little examples, but self-trust gets broken the same way, right? Through small, broken promises to yourself that seem insignificant in the moment, but add up to a pattern.
Kelle: It's so true. I'm one of those people that if I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it hell or high water. So that used to be me, right? And then I would have to break promises with myself by not listening to my body, by going and doing things when I was really tired or something like that, or I didn't really want to, or it was out of alignment. But now, I don't believe that I need to do everything I say yes to, and I hardly say yes to anything anymore without thinking very carefully about if it's going to fit in with my schedule. So, that is one way that I'm trying to build trust with myself and with others.
Every time you tell yourself you're going to do something and then you don't do it, you're teaching yourself that you can't count on you.
Nina: Yeah, you bail on yourself. You show yourself you can't count on yourself. It sounds so obvious, right? But every time you ignore your own needs to accommodate someone else, you're showing yourself that your needs don't matter.
Kelle: Every time you dismiss your own instincts to go along with what others think, you're telling yourself that your inner wisdom isn't trustworthy.
Nina: So, let's talk about why ambitious women especially struggle with self-trust.
Kelle: First, you've been taught that your worth comes from external validation. So, you've learned to trust other people's opinions more than your own instincts.
Nina: Which is not good.
Kelle: It's not good. No.
Nina: No, you've been conditioned to believe that if you're successful enough, accomplished enough, liked enough by others, then you'll be worthy of trust, including self-trust.
Kelle: And it's so interesting because that's so backwards. Self-trust isn't something that you earn through external achievements. It's something that you build through internal consistency.
Nina: Yeah, second here, many of you learned early that your needs and wants weren't as important as other people's, right?
Kelle: Yeah, so you've learned to dismiss your own desires, to not trust your own judgment, to constantly second-guess yourself.
Nina: Yeah, you learned that being “selfless,” quote-unquote, was good and that trusting yourself was somehow selfish or wrong.
Kelle: Mhm. Yeah. And third, the productivity obsession taught you that your value comes from what you do, not who you are.
Nina: So, you started measuring your trustworthiness by your output instead of your integrity, by your accomplishments instead of your consistency.
Kelle: And trust isn't about being perfect. Trust is about being reliable. It's about doing what you say you're going to do, even when it's small, even when no one else is watching.
Nina: Now, let's talk about what broken self-trust actually looks like in your daily life because you might not even realize it's happening, right, Kelle?
Kelle: It's so true. Okay, so broken self-trust shows up as constantly second-guessing your decisions.
Nina: Yeah, it shows up as seeking endless input from other people, right, before making decisions, because you don't trust your own judgment.
Kelle: Mhm. It shows up as saying yes to things you don't want to do because you don't trust yourself to handle other people's disappointment.
Nina: It shows up as not following through on your own goals and then wondering why you feel stuck and frustrated.
Kelle: It shows up as dismissing your own instincts when something feels wrong because you think you're being too sensitive or overreacting or overthinking it.
Nina: Totally. It shows up as constantly changing your mind based on what other people think instead of staying grounded in your own values.
Kelle: So true. And here's what's really insidious about broken self-trust: it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Nina: Yeah, the less you trust yourself, the less you follow through on your commitments to yourself. The less you follow through, the less trustworthy you become to yourself.
Kelle: We see this all the time with our clients. The less you trust yourself, the more you rely on other people for validation and direction. But external validation can never repair internal trust.
Nina: So, let's talk about what solid self-trust looks like, right? Solid self-trust, because this is what we're building toward.
Kelle: Mhm. When you have solid self-trust, you make decisions from your values, not from what other people expect of you.
Nina: Yeah, you follow through on your commitments to yourself even when you don't feel like it.
Kelle: Mmm, that's a tough one sometimes. It's so good. Okay. You trust your instincts about people and situations, even when you can't logically explain why or you don't quite have a handle on it, but you can just tell. There's just something.
Nina: Yeah, you set boundaries and maintain them, even when people push back.
Kelle: You pursue your goals consistently, not because you feel like it, but because you said you would.
Nina: You handle your emotions instead of expecting other people to manage them for you.
Kelle: And you trust yourself to figure things out even when you don't have all the answers right now.
Nina: Yeah, here's why this matters so much for ambitious women specifically.
Kelle: Yeah, if you don't trust yourself, you can't take the risks necessary to build the career and the life you want. You'll always be playing it safe, seeking permission, waiting for someone else to validate your choices.
Nina: Yeah, if you don't trust yourself, you can't build healthy relationships because you'll either be constantly seeking reassurance or trying to control others to feel secure.
Kelle: If you don't trust yourself, you can't be an effective leader because people can sense when you don't believe in your own judgment.
Nina: And if you don't trust yourself, you can't be truly happy because you'll always be looking outside yourself for validation and direction.
Kelle: So, how do you start rebuilding self-trust if it's been broken? You start small and you start now.
Nina: Yeah, make one small commitment to yourself today and follow through on it, right? Something simple, something achievable, something doable.
Kelle: Yes, maybe it's drinking a glass of water. Maybe it's taking a 5-minute walk. Maybe it's going to bed at the time that you said you would.
Nina: The goal isn't to make a huge change. The goal is to prove to yourself that you can count on you.
Kelle: Hang on, I'm drinking water because part of my self-trust is like telling myself I'm going to drink more water. And then going back to it, tomorrow, make another small commitment and follow through on that one, too.
Nina: Over time, as you build a track record of keeping your word to yourself, your self-trust will grow.
Kelle: Because here's what's crucial: you have to be honest about what you're actually willing and able to commit to. Like I said earlier, do I want to say yes to this? Stop saying yes when you're not totally sure you want to say yes.
Nina: Being willing and able, both, not just able, willing and able. Don't promise yourself you'll work out for an hour every day if you haven't exercised in months. Promise yourself you'll take a 10-minute walk. That's where we begin.
Kelle: Yes, do not promise yourself you'll wake up at 5 a.m. if you're currently waking up at 8. Promise yourself you'll wake up 15 minutes earlier.
Nina: Yeah, self-trust is built through achievable consistency, not through impossible standards, Rockstars.
Kelle: And here's something else that's important. You have to learn to trust yourself with your emotions.
Nina: This means not abandoning yourself when you're upset, not dismissing your feelings, and not expecting other people to fix your emotional state.
Kelle: Ah, that's so good. It means learning to comfort yourself, to regulate yourself, and to handle difficult emotions without immediately trying to make them go away. Like, hey, go away, please.
Nina: But if you can't trust yourself to handle your own emotions, you'll always be at the mercy of other people's moods and reactions.
Kelle: All right, now let's talk about what changes when you have solid self-trust.
Nina: First, you become more decisive. And this is rad, right? You don't get stuck in analysis paralysis. You don't spend all that time, right? Because you trust your ability to handle whatever happens.
Kelle: And second, you become more resilient. We were just talking with a client this morning about this. When things don't go as planned, you don't fall apart because you trust yourself to figure it out. Like, you're always going to figure it out.
Nina: We're always going to figure it out over here at Ambitious-ish.
Kelle: Yes.
Nina: Third, you become more authentic. You stop performing for other people's approval because you trust your own judgment about who you are and what you value.
Kelle: And fourth, you become more confident, not because you think you're perfect, but because you trust yourself to learn and grow from whatever happens.
Nina: And fifth here, you become more peaceful. You stop constantly second-guessing yourself because you trust that you'll make good decisions with the information you have.
Kelle: All right, but here's what we need to prepare you for. Building self-trust takes time, and it requires you to be patient with you.
Nina: You didn't break your self-trust overnight, right? You won't rebuild it overnight either.
Kelle: There will be times when you slip up, when you don't follow through on a commitment to yourself. And that doesn't mean you're back to square one. And Nina, this reminds me, I'm meditating daily for over an hour, and I haven't skipped one yet, but there have been days that I've meditated almost at midnight because I didn't get it in earlier. And I really wanted to back down and not do it. And there probably will be a day when I miss it just because of poor scheduling or whatever, but that does not mean that I have to go back to square one, right?
Nina: It just means you're human. The key is to acknowledge the slip-ups, recommit to yourself, and keep building that track record of trustworthiness.
Kelle: And here's something that might surprise you. Building self-trust will probably make some people in your life uncomfortable.
Nina: Ah, raising my hand here. When you start trusting yourself more, you start needing other people's validation less. You start setting boundaries. You start making decisions that align with your values instead of what makes everyone else happy.
Kelle: I am sending out some serious brain vibes to a client that we talked about this morning about this exact thing. Some people might call you selfish or say that you've changed. And you know what? They're right. You have changed. You've become someone who trusts herself.
Nina: But the people who truly care about you will respect your growth here, even if it takes some adjustment.
Kelle: So, your homework for this week is simple, but it's not easy. Identify one area where you've been breaking trust with yourself.
Nina: Maybe it's not following through on your boundaries. Maybe it's dismissing your own needs. Maybe it's not keeping commitments you make to yourself, right?
Kelle: So true. Choose one small way that you can start rebuilding trust in that area. One tiny, achievable commitment you can make to yourself.
Nina: And then follow through on it every single day. Because self-trust is built one kept promise at a time.
Kelle: Ah, so good. And then next week, in part two of our trust series, we're going to talk about how to trust your gut instincts. That internal guidance system that knows things before your brain can figure them out.
Nina: But everything we talked about in part two builds on this foundation we're laying today, because if you don't trust yourself fundamentally, you won't trust your instincts either.
Kelle: So, start small, start today, and start proving to yourself that you can count on you.
Nina: Because Rockstar, self-trust isn't just the foundation of everything else you want to build, it's your birthright.
Kelle: Mmm, ah, mic drop there. So good. Until next time, thanks so much for being here, and keep practicing being someone you can trust.
Nina: Yeah, thanks for being here. See you next time.
Kelle: See you next time.
Nina: Hey Rockstars, ready to make this fall different? To stop cycling through the same old patterns of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and overwhelm? It’s time to break free. We have limited spots open for coaching this fall, so schedule a consultation with us at KelleandNina.com, and let’s get to work on actually implementing the tools and systems, and concepts that you hear us talk about here on Ambitious-ish, so you can actually enjoy the life you worked so hard to create. Don’t wait, this is your reset opportunity. Visit kelleandnina.com.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: Yeah, maybe you said you'd set boundaries and then said yes to something you didn't want to do. Maybe you said you'd prioritize your health, and then worked through lunch again. Maybe you said you'd stop people-pleasing and spent the weekend doing things for others instead of what you actually wanted.
Kelle: Here's what's really happening. Every time you break a promise to yourself, you're eroding the foundation of everything else you want to build.
Nina: Because self-trust isn't just nice to have. It's the operating system that everything else runs on.
Kelle: It's so true. Without self-trust, you can't take the risk necessary to build the life you want.
Nina: You can't trust your judgment about other people.
Kelle: Yeah, you can't set boundaries that actually stick.
Nina: And you can't believe in your ability to achieve your goals.
Kelle: That's why today, we're starting our trust series with this episode as a foundation. What trust actually is, how it gets broken in tiny moments every day, and why self-trust is the root of literally everything.
Nina: Because you can't build a skyscraper on quicksand, Rockstar, and you can't build a successful life on broken self-trust.
Kelle: Ready to become someone you can count on? Let's go. This is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And before we jump in today, I wanted to kick things off with just a little thank you, Kelle. Just wanting to thank our listeners for being here today and every day, and for listening to our show. I think it's so interesting being a podcaster. I mean, that's what we are here, as well as coaches, entrepreneurs, CEOs, and CMOs. Kelle's our CFO. I am not the CFO. Moms, partners, all of it. What we love about podcasting is the access we have to you and you to us.
So, podcasting is changing a lot right now, and it's all about audience growth and audience farming. And while we would love to continue to share this work with every woman on the planet and help her see, right, that there's another way, right? You can actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create. We also already have a really loyal audience, and one we know wants to go deeper. We give a lot away for free here on Ambitious-ish, and we do it gladly, without reservation. So, please do share the show when something really sings to you. But I think we have an opportunity to go deeper sometimes, too, right, Kel?
And that's part of what we're doing today with the launch of this series, all about trust and self-trust. We'll launch a burnout series for you in a few weeks, too, all as an opportunity to invite you to go deeper in your process, in your work. Sometimes we do, honestly, hesitate here because we're like, "Wait, shouldn't we hold some of this back?" Right? Maybe invite our listeners to coach with us. But that just doesn't always feel aligned, right? Coaching with us is, of course, gold, by the way, and so many of you have tapped us to help you transform and grow. But this really is my favorite part of our work: giving away our gold in this podcast format.
And listen, we're not for everyone, and this deeper series of episodes might not be for you, no prob. This is a gift to our loyal listeners. You are, I keep saying it, you're our gold. We are cheering you here and would love to hear more from you. So, DM us or text us. You guys know how to reach us. I love that we're talking about trust today because I feel like we've developed that with you all. There's this know, like, trust we love about this show, and we're so here for it.
All righty, again, just some high fives, disclaimers, and thank yous real quick. Let's jump in.
Kelle: Yeah. So good, Nina. Okay, so today we're starting something that might just change how you think about every relationship in your life, including the most important one.
Nina: Yeah, we're launching our trust series. And part one here is about something so fundamental that most people never actually think about it: what trust really is and why it's the foundation of literally everything. Because here's what we've discovered after coaching hundreds of ambitious women just like you: most of you are trying to build successful lives, careers, and relationships on a foundation of broken self-trust.
Kelle: Ah, and that's like trying to build a skyscraper on quicksand. It doesn't matter how hard you work or how many skills you develop. Without trust as a foundation, everything else is unstable.
Nina: Yeah, today we're going back to basics. We're talking about what trust actually is, how it gets broken, how it gets built, and why self-trust is the root of everything else you want to create.
Kelle: Oh, so buckle up because we're about to challenge everything you think you know about trust and show you why it's the missing piece you didn't know that you were missing.
Nina: All right, let's start with some truth-telling, like we do, right? When we say the word trust, what comes to mind?
Kelle: If you're like most people, you probably think about big betrayals: infidelity, lies, someone breaking their word in a major way.
Nina: But here's what we want you to understand. Trust isn't just about the big moments. Trust is built and broken in thousands of tiny moments every single day.
Kelle: It's so true. Trust is what happens when your actions consistently match your words. When you do what you say you're going to do, when you say it, how you say you're going to do it.
Nina: Yeah, you mean what you say and you say what you mean, right? And self-trust, that's when your actions consistently match your words to yourself.
Kelle: So, think about it. How many times have you told yourself you were going to do something and then you didn't follow through?
Nina: Yeah, maybe you said you were going to set boundaries and then said yes to something you didn't want to do, right? Maybe you said you were going to prioritize your health, and then worked through lunch again.
Kelle: Yeah, maybe you said you were going to stop people-pleasing, and then you spent the weekend doing things for others instead of the things that you actually wanted to do for yourself.
Nina: Every time you break a promise to yourself, you're eroding self-trust. And here's why that matters more than you think.
Kelle: It matters because self-trust is the foundation of everything else. We've said it before, we're going to say it again, if you don't trust yourself, how can you trust your judgment about other people?
Nina: If you don't trust yourself to follow through on your own commitments, how can you believe in your ability to achieve your goals?
Kelle: If you don't trust yourself to have your own back, how can you take risks necessary to build the life you want?
Nina: Self-trust isn't just a nice-to-have. It's the operating system that everything else runs on.
Kelle: All right, so let's talk about what trust actually is because most people, I think, have never really defined it.
Nina: Yeah, trust is the confidence that someone will act in alignment with their stated values and commitments, especially when it's difficult or inconvenient.
Kelle: Mhm. It's not just believing someone will do what they say when it's easy. It's believing they'll do what they say even when it costs them something.
Nina: This is gold. And self-trust is the confidence that you will act in alignment with your stated values and commitments, especially when it's difficult or inconvenient.
Kelle: It's trusting yourself to follow through on boundaries even when someone pushes back. It's trusting yourself to pursue your goals even when you don't feel like it.
Nina: It's trusting yourself to make decisions that align with your values, not just what looks good to other people.
Kelle: Oh, that's a good one. Now, let's talk about how trust gets built because this is where most people get it wrong.
Nina: Trust isn't built through grand gestures or big promises, right? Trust is built through consistent, small actions over time.
Kelle: Yeah, it's showing up when you say you will. It's doing what you say you will do. It's being who you said you would be, day after day, choice after choice.
Nina: And the same is true for self-trust. You don't build self-trust by making huge commitments to yourself that you can't keep.
Kelle: Yeah, you build self-trust by making small promises to yourself and following through, by proving to yourself over and over that you can count on you.
Nina: Maybe it's committing to a drink of water before coffee and actually doing it. Maybe it's saying you'll go to bed at a certain time and follow through.
Kelle: Mhm. Yeah, maybe it's setting a boundary with someone and not backing down when they test it.
Nina: I actually was just talking to a client this week, and she's about to drop her son off at college, as most of us are. And she was like, "I'm not going to check email all weekend." And I was like, "Let's be real. Is that a promise you want to make to yourself?" Because I feel like that's going to be broken. But it's these small things, and we actually worked it out. We workshopped it, and we actually scheduled times for her to check her email over the course of the weekend so that she wouldn't be lying to herself, right? And she wouldn't be chipping away at her self-trust. We also did the same with Slack, if I'm being real. She was like, "I'm not going to check Slack." I'm like, "Let's be real."
But listen, each time you follow through on a commitment to yourself, you're making a deposit into your self-trust account.
Kelle: But here's how trust gets broken. And this is crucial to understand.
Nina: Yeah, trust doesn't just get broken through big betrayals. Trust gets eroded through small inconsistencies that add up over time. You guys, if you know us, you know my history. This is something I've experienced personally. And if you've been following us again, you know, there was a lot of betrayal in my marriage. And for more background here, you can head to Episode 39. It's actually a, it's actually a really, a really popular one. But this is a very personal topic, so we'll keep going here.
Kelle: Yes, yes. Okay. It's saying you'll call and then not calling. It's saying you'll be somewhere and then showing up late. It's saying you'll value something and then acting in ways that contradict that value.
Nina: I got to bring another example in here. So, I was hanging out with someone this weekend who was exhausted. You could tell they were just fried. They'd had a huge week. And I kept asking them, "Are you okay? Are you tired? Do you want to go out to dinner tonight? Do you want to just stay in? What do you want to do? What's up?" And they kept just being like, "No, I'm great. What? No, no, everything's fine." And I just knew I could sniff it out. They were trying to suck something up or something, right?
They addressed it later and just said, "You know, I was really stressed this past weekend. You know, I know you pointed it out and I really was. I can tell you now that I was." And I just went, "Huh, I wonder what held you back from being honest about that at the time, you know? I wonder what held you back." Oh, I said, "I wonder what held you back from being honest about that." And they said, "Well, I wasn't being dishonest." And I was just kind of like, "Hmm, say what you mean, mean what you say." Right?
It's just these small little things that are kind of baked into the early stages of a friendship or a colleague's way of being, right? That's where it begins is my point. These are just small little examples, but self-trust gets broken the same way, right? Through small, broken promises to yourself that seem insignificant in the moment, but add up to a pattern.
Kelle: It's so true. I'm one of those people that if I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it hell or high water. So that used to be me, right? And then I would have to break promises with myself by not listening to my body, by going and doing things when I was really tired or something like that, or I didn't really want to, or it was out of alignment. But now, I don't believe that I need to do everything I say yes to, and I hardly say yes to anything anymore without thinking very carefully about if it's going to fit in with my schedule. So, that is one way that I'm trying to build trust with myself and with others.
Every time you tell yourself you're going to do something and then you don't do it, you're teaching yourself that you can't count on you.
Nina: Yeah, you bail on yourself. You show yourself you can't count on yourself. It sounds so obvious, right? But every time you ignore your own needs to accommodate someone else, you're showing yourself that your needs don't matter.
Kelle: Every time you dismiss your own instincts to go along with what others think, you're telling yourself that your inner wisdom isn't trustworthy.
Nina: So, let's talk about why ambitious women especially struggle with self-trust.
Kelle: First, you've been taught that your worth comes from external validation. So, you've learned to trust other people's opinions more than your own instincts.
Nina: Which is not good.
Kelle: It's not good. No.
Nina: No, you've been conditioned to believe that if you're successful enough, accomplished enough, liked enough by others, then you'll be worthy of trust, including self-trust.
Kelle: And it's so interesting because that's so backwards. Self-trust isn't something that you earn through external achievements. It's something that you build through internal consistency.
Nina: Yeah, second here, many of you learned early that your needs and wants weren't as important as other people's, right?
Kelle: Yeah, so you've learned to dismiss your own desires, to not trust your own judgment, to constantly second-guess yourself.
Nina: Yeah, you learned that being “selfless,” quote-unquote, was good and that trusting yourself was somehow selfish or wrong.
Kelle: Mhm. Yeah. And third, the productivity obsession taught you that your value comes from what you do, not who you are.
Nina: So, you started measuring your trustworthiness by your output instead of your integrity, by your accomplishments instead of your consistency.
Kelle: And trust isn't about being perfect. Trust is about being reliable. It's about doing what you say you're going to do, even when it's small, even when no one else is watching.
Nina: Now, let's talk about what broken self-trust actually looks like in your daily life because you might not even realize it's happening, right, Kelle?
Kelle: It's so true. Okay, so broken self-trust shows up as constantly second-guessing your decisions.
Nina: Yeah, it shows up as seeking endless input from other people, right, before making decisions, because you don't trust your own judgment.
Kelle: Mhm. It shows up as saying yes to things you don't want to do because you don't trust yourself to handle other people's disappointment.
Nina: It shows up as not following through on your own goals and then wondering why you feel stuck and frustrated.
Kelle: It shows up as dismissing your own instincts when something feels wrong because you think you're being too sensitive or overreacting or overthinking it.
Nina: Totally. It shows up as constantly changing your mind based on what other people think instead of staying grounded in your own values.
Kelle: So true. And here's what's really insidious about broken self-trust: it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Nina: Yeah, the less you trust yourself, the less you follow through on your commitments to yourself. The less you follow through, the less trustworthy you become to yourself.
Kelle: We see this all the time with our clients. The less you trust yourself, the more you rely on other people for validation and direction. But external validation can never repair internal trust.
Nina: So, let's talk about what solid self-trust looks like, right? Solid self-trust, because this is what we're building toward.
Kelle: Mhm. When you have solid self-trust, you make decisions from your values, not from what other people expect of you.
Nina: Yeah, you follow through on your commitments to yourself even when you don't feel like it.
Kelle: Mmm, that's a tough one sometimes. It's so good. Okay. You trust your instincts about people and situations, even when you can't logically explain why or you don't quite have a handle on it, but you can just tell. There's just something.
Nina: Yeah, you set boundaries and maintain them, even when people push back.
Kelle: You pursue your goals consistently, not because you feel like it, but because you said you would.
Nina: You handle your emotions instead of expecting other people to manage them for you.
Kelle: And you trust yourself to figure things out even when you don't have all the answers right now.
Nina: Yeah, here's why this matters so much for ambitious women specifically.
Kelle: Yeah, if you don't trust yourself, you can't take the risks necessary to build the career and the life you want. You'll always be playing it safe, seeking permission, waiting for someone else to validate your choices.
Nina: Yeah, if you don't trust yourself, you can't build healthy relationships because you'll either be constantly seeking reassurance or trying to control others to feel secure.
Kelle: If you don't trust yourself, you can't be an effective leader because people can sense when you don't believe in your own judgment.
Nina: And if you don't trust yourself, you can't be truly happy because you'll always be looking outside yourself for validation and direction.
Kelle: So, how do you start rebuilding self-trust if it's been broken? You start small and you start now.
Nina: Yeah, make one small commitment to yourself today and follow through on it, right? Something simple, something achievable, something doable.
Kelle: Yes, maybe it's drinking a glass of water. Maybe it's taking a 5-minute walk. Maybe it's going to bed at the time that you said you would.
Nina: The goal isn't to make a huge change. The goal is to prove to yourself that you can count on you.
Kelle: Hang on, I'm drinking water because part of my self-trust is like telling myself I'm going to drink more water. And then going back to it, tomorrow, make another small commitment and follow through on that one, too.
Nina: Over time, as you build a track record of keeping your word to yourself, your self-trust will grow.
Kelle: Because here's what's crucial: you have to be honest about what you're actually willing and able to commit to. Like I said earlier, do I want to say yes to this? Stop saying yes when you're not totally sure you want to say yes.
Nina: Being willing and able, both, not just able, willing and able. Don't promise yourself you'll work out for an hour every day if you haven't exercised in months. Promise yourself you'll take a 10-minute walk. That's where we begin.
Kelle: Yes, do not promise yourself you'll wake up at 5 a.m. if you're currently waking up at 8. Promise yourself you'll wake up 15 minutes earlier.
Nina: Yeah, self-trust is built through achievable consistency, not through impossible standards, Rockstars.
Kelle: And here's something else that's important. You have to learn to trust yourself with your emotions.
Nina: This means not abandoning yourself when you're upset, not dismissing your feelings, and not expecting other people to fix your emotional state.
Kelle: Ah, that's so good. It means learning to comfort yourself, to regulate yourself, and to handle difficult emotions without immediately trying to make them go away. Like, hey, go away, please.
Nina: But if you can't trust yourself to handle your own emotions, you'll always be at the mercy of other people's moods and reactions.
Kelle: All right, now let's talk about what changes when you have solid self-trust.
Nina: First, you become more decisive. And this is rad, right? You don't get stuck in analysis paralysis. You don't spend all that time, right? Because you trust your ability to handle whatever happens.
Kelle: And second, you become more resilient. We were just talking with a client this morning about this. When things don't go as planned, you don't fall apart because you trust yourself to figure it out. Like, you're always going to figure it out.
Nina: We're always going to figure it out over here at Ambitious-ish.
Kelle: Yes.
Nina: Third, you become more authentic. You stop performing for other people's approval because you trust your own judgment about who you are and what you value.
Kelle: And fourth, you become more confident, not because you think you're perfect, but because you trust yourself to learn and grow from whatever happens.
Nina: And fifth here, you become more peaceful. You stop constantly second-guessing yourself because you trust that you'll make good decisions with the information you have.
Kelle: All right, but here's what we need to prepare you for. Building self-trust takes time, and it requires you to be patient with you.
Nina: You didn't break your self-trust overnight, right? You won't rebuild it overnight either.
Kelle: There will be times when you slip up, when you don't follow through on a commitment to yourself. And that doesn't mean you're back to square one. And Nina, this reminds me, I'm meditating daily for over an hour, and I haven't skipped one yet, but there have been days that I've meditated almost at midnight because I didn't get it in earlier. And I really wanted to back down and not do it. And there probably will be a day when I miss it just because of poor scheduling or whatever, but that does not mean that I have to go back to square one, right?
Nina: It just means you're human. The key is to acknowledge the slip-ups, recommit to yourself, and keep building that track record of trustworthiness.
Kelle: And here's something that might surprise you. Building self-trust will probably make some people in your life uncomfortable.
Nina: Ah, raising my hand here. When you start trusting yourself more, you start needing other people's validation less. You start setting boundaries. You start making decisions that align with your values instead of what makes everyone else happy.
Kelle: I am sending out some serious brain vibes to a client that we talked about this morning about this exact thing. Some people might call you selfish or say that you've changed. And you know what? They're right. You have changed. You've become someone who trusts herself.
Nina: But the people who truly care about you will respect your growth here, even if it takes some adjustment.
Kelle: So, your homework for this week is simple, but it's not easy. Identify one area where you've been breaking trust with yourself.
Nina: Maybe it's not following through on your boundaries. Maybe it's dismissing your own needs. Maybe it's not keeping commitments you make to yourself, right?
Kelle: So true. Choose one small way that you can start rebuilding trust in that area. One tiny, achievable commitment you can make to yourself.
Nina: And then follow through on it every single day. Because self-trust is built one kept promise at a time.
Kelle: Ah, so good. And then next week, in part two of our trust series, we're going to talk about how to trust your gut instincts. That internal guidance system that knows things before your brain can figure them out.
Nina: But everything we talked about in part two builds on this foundation we're laying today, because if you don't trust yourself fundamentally, you won't trust your instincts either.
Kelle: So, start small, start today, and start proving to yourself that you can count on you.
Nina: Because Rockstar, self-trust isn't just the foundation of everything else you want to build, it's your birthright.
Kelle: Mmm, ah, mic drop there. So good. Until next time, thanks so much for being here, and keep practicing being someone you can trust.
Nina: Yeah, thanks for being here. See you next time.
Kelle: See you next time.
Nina: Hey Rockstars, ready to make this fall different? To stop cycling through the same old patterns of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and overwhelm? It’s time to break free. We have limited spots open for coaching this fall, so schedule a consultation with us at KelleandNina.com, and let’s get to work on actually implementing the tools and systems, and concepts that you hear us talk about here on Ambitious-ish, so you can actually enjoy the life you worked so hard to create. Don’t wait, this is your reset opportunity. Visit kelleandnina.com.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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