80. Resentment is a Clue
Have you ever felt resentment building up inside you and pushed it aside? Maybe it’s when you’re carrying the emotional labor in your relationship, or managing extra work while everyone else seems to coast. Resentment isn’t just frustration—it’s a signal from your nervous system, telling you where your boundaries have been crossed and where you’ve been carrying more than your share.
In this episode, we explore why resentment is actually valuable information. We dive into why it builds when there’s an imbalance between what you give and what you receive, whether that's energy, effort, or care. Often, resentment arises from unconscious patterns of over-functioning, patterns that were programmed into us early on. Instead of ignoring resentment, this episode helps you see it as a sign that something needs to change in your life.
You’ll walk away with five practical steps for redistributing responsibilities, setting boundaries, and stopping the habit of carrying burdens that aren’t yours. We’ll also talk about why the discomfort others feel when you set boundaries doesn’t mean you’re wrong. By listening to your resentment and taking action, you can create a life where you show up from choice, not obligation.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why resentment is valuable data, not a character flaw.
How unconscious patterns of over-functioning lead to resentment.
Why over-functioning robs others of the opportunity to grow.
Practical steps for redistributing responsibilities without chaos.
How to set boundaries without feeling guilty or apologetic.
Why the discomfort others feel about your boundaries doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: Has anyone ever told you that your negative emotions are messengers? They arrive to tell you something.
Nina: Yeah, they're clues and signs that you have unmet needs. Resentment, especially.
Kelle: Resentment isn't just frustration. It's a signal that you've been carrying things that were never meant to be yours alone.
Nina: I mean, think about it. When do you feel most resentful? Is it when you're doing all the emotional labor in your relationship, managing everyone else's feelings while neglecting your own, taking responsibility for outcomes you can't actually control?
Kelle: Like that burning feeling in your chest? That's your inner wisdom saying, this isn't sustainable. This isn't fair. This isn't yours to carry.
Nina: Most of us have been taught to push through resentment, to be the strong one, to just handle it. But resentment isn't a character flaw. It's intel.
Kelle: Mm, it's your system telling you exactly where your boundaries have been crossed and your energy has been misplaced.
Nina: The question isn't, how do I stop feeling resentful? The question is, what is this resentment trying to teach me about what I need to put down?
Kelle: Because the things you're carrying that aren't yours, they're not just weighing you down, they're preventing the people around you from carrying their own weight.
Nina: Ready to listen to what your resentment is telling you?
Kelle: All right, let's go. This is Ambitious-Ish.
This is Ambitious-ish. Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And today we're talking about something that might make you squirm a little bit. We're diving into resentment. And before you skip this episode thinking, oh, I don't have resentment issues, stay with us because resentment isn't always the loud, obvious anger you might think it is.
Kelle: Right. Sometimes, resentment shows up as that tight feeling in your chest when your partner asks what's for dinner for the fifth night in a row. Sometimes it's the eye roll you suppress when your boss assigns you another urgent project, while your co-worker somehow never gets asked to stay late.
Nina: Or that bitter taste in your mouth when everyone's praising your friend for being so organized while you're the one who actually planned the entire group trip behind the scenes, right?
Kelle: Mm, exactly. And here's what we want you to understand today. Resentment isn't a character flaw. It's not proof that you're ungrateful or selfish or mean. Resentment is data. It's your nervous system sending you a very clear signal that something is off in your life's ecosystem.
Nina: And that signal is this: You've been carrying things that were never meant to be yours alone.
Kelle: So, let's start with what resentment actually is because I think there's a lot of confusion around this emotion in particular.
Nina: Yeah, right? Resentment is what happens when there's a mismatch between what you're giving and what you're receiving, whether that's energy, effort, recognition, support, or even care.
Kelle: Okay, but here's the kicker. And listen, this is where it gets uncomfortable. Resentment often builds up in situations where we are the ones who set up the imbalance in the first place.
Nina: Oh yeah, this is the part where people get defensive. But stay with us because this isn't about blame. This is about empowerment.
Kelle: Right. When I say you set up the imbalance, I don't mean you consciously chose to be overburdened. No, I mean that you likely have been operating from patterns that were programmed into you very early on.
Nina: Yeah, from a very early age, right? The good girl programming that taught you your worth comes from how much you can give, how much you can handle, how little you need in return.
Kelle: Exactly. So you start over-functioning in relationships and at work and in your family, you become the one who remembers everything, manages everything, fixes everything.
Nina: And at first, this feels good. People appreciate you. They need you. You feel valuable and important.
Kelle: But then, slowly, that appreciation starts to feel like expectation. And that expectation starts to feel like entitlement from others.
Nina: And suddenly you're trapped in patterns where everyone else gets to be carefree while you're carrying the mental load for multiple people's lives. I think it was Esther Perel who says, right, expectations are resentment waiting to happen.
Kelle: I think you're right. And that's when resentment creeps in because deep down, you know this isn't sustainable. You know this is not fair.
Nina: Why do we ignore the signal, Kelle? Here's what happens for most of us, right? Instead of listening to the resentment as valuable information, as intel, we judge ourselves for having it.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah, if you're anything like me, we think, I shouldn't feel this way. I should just be grateful. Other people have it worse, right?
Nina: Yeah, or we tell ourselves if I just work harder, if I just manage my expectations better, the resentment will go away.
Kelle: But that's like putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone and wondering why it's not healing.
Nina: Right, because resentment isn't the problem, it's the symptom. The problem is that you've been taught to carry burdens that were meant to be shared.
Kelle: And the reason we struggle to listen to this signal is because addressing it means having uncomfortable conversations. It means setting boundaries. It means potentially disappointing people who have gotten comfortable with our, your over-functioning. It means potentially disappointing people who have gotten comfortable with our over-functioning.
Nina: And that feels scary when your nervous system has been conditioned to believe that other people's comfort equals your safety. But here's what we need you to understand. Your resentment is trying to protect you. It's your internal alarm system saying, this situation is unsustainable. Something needs to change. It's almost like, yeah, self-protection.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, let's talk about what happens when we ignore the signal for too long. First, your health starts to suffer. Your nervous system gets stuck in a chronic state of stress. We call this a stress cycle because you're constantly in management mode for everyone else's life.
Nina: Oh my God, this is the 3Ms. We call this the 3Ms. Managing, mothering, and martyring. Listen, and it's out of control. Your creativity gets stifled because all your mental energy is going towards maintaining systems that other adults should be contributing to.
Kelle: Yeah, and this can look like your relationships becoming transactional. You start keeping score even if you don't want to admit it, right?
Nina: It's like that tit-for-tatting, right? Yeah. And your dreams, they get pushed to the back burner because you're too busy managing everyone else's priorities.
Kelle: Okay, plus, and this is important. When you're carrying things that aren't yours to carry, you're actually robbing other people of the opportunity to grow, to contribute, to take responsibility for their own lives.
Nina: Yeah, when you're leaning over everyone's shoulder, right, micromanaging. Yeah, that's such a good point. We think we're being helpful, but sometimes our over-functioning is actually enabling other people's under-functioning.
We call this codependence. It's a big word and a concept we unpack in episode 39. For our clients, codependence comes in a special shade called high-functioning codependence. Terri Cole coined this concept. There's a big difference between helping and enabling and that's the line we have to learn how to walk.
Kelle: Exactly. Your partner doesn't learn to notice when the kids need new clothes because you always handle it, right? Your team doesn't develop problem-solving skills because you always swoop in with the solutions.
Nina: Oh my God, the other day I noticed there was no toilet paper in the house, and I'm like, something is up if there's no toilet paper because I usually have that covered. You know what I mean? Like, okay.
Kelle: Totally, totally.
Nina: Like, there are some screws loose, or it's just an indicator. But yeah, your friends don't learn to plan because you always take care of the details, right?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. And then everybody's growth gets stunted, yours and theirs.
Nina: Yours and theirs. So how do we start using resentment as information instead of just suffering through it, right? Sucking it up. First, you have to get curious instead of judgmental. All right, Rockstars. When you notice that familiar bitter feeling rising up, instead of pushing it down, ask yourself, what is this indicating, right? What is this trying to tell me? Take a second.
Kelle: Yeah, such a great question. And usually the answer is one of these: I'm doing too much, I'm not asking for what I need, or I'm not honoring my own boundaries. So, the next question becomes, what am I carrying that isn't mine to carry alone?
Nina: Maybe it's the entire mental load of your household, exhausting. Maybe it's your boss's inability to plan ahead. Maybe it's your friend's emotional regulation.
Kelle: Yes. And once you identify what you're carrying, you can start asking, okay, how did I end up with this responsibility? And what would it look like to share it? You're welcome, right? Or give it back.
Nina: But, and this is crucial, you have to be honest about your own role in creating these patterns.
Kelle: Yes. Yes. This is not about blaming yourself. It's about taking responsibility for how you've been showing up.
Nina: Yeah, we call this cleaning up your side of the street. Because here's the truth. You can't control other people's behavior, but you can absolutely change your own patterns.
Kelle: All right, so let's get practical. If you're listening to this and you're thinking, okay, I can see how I've been over-functioning, but how do I actually change this without everything falling apart, right?
Nina: Oh my God, totally. Without dropping any balls, right?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Don't want to drop the balls.
Nina: First step, map out what you're actually carrying, right? Let's make a list of all the responsibilities, tasks, and emotional labor you're telling yourself you need to handle. Both the obvious stuff, like bill pay, appointment scheduling, and the invisible stuff like remembering everyone's preferences, managing family relationships, keeping track of what needs to get done.
Kelle: Then, for each item on that list, ask yourself, is this actually my responsibility, or have I just been doing it because no one else was? And be honest here. Just because you're good at something doesn't mean it's your job to do it forever.
Nina: Okay, and a side note here. I mean, I know this from my kids. They know if they leave it long enough, I'll do it. Like that's what I've conditioned them to do. And so this doesn't happen anymore at the house, but they're like, I know if I let it go long enough, mom will handle it. So we like unwittingly condition the people around us to let us handle it. So if this is singing to you, you're not alone. But anyway, next here, start small. Pick one thing you've been handling that could reasonably be someone else's responsibility.
Kelle: Okay. Here's the key though: Have the conversation before you hit your limit. Do not wait until you are in complete survival, so resentful that you have the conversation and it comes out as more of an attack.
Nina: Yeah, right? Approach it from a place of “I've been handling X and I need some support with this, right? How can we support each other? How can we share this responsibility? I'm exhausted,” right? “Or I need a hand. Let's collaborate.” Yeah.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, not, “I do everything around here. You never help with anything,” which is what it sounds like when we wait until we're at our breaking point, right?
Nina: Yeah, and we you've heard us talk about this a lot, right? I mean, before we set a boundary, before we do anything, we have to pause and regulate, right? We can't make these requests from survival mode. All the while you understand, right, that the task you're asking for help and support with, it's not going to be executed or even resulted the same way it would if you did it. Remind yourself of this ahead of time. Like it's not going to look the way it would if you did it.
Kelle: Yeah. I mean, let's be real. When you start redistributing responsibilities that you've been carrying alone, people are going to have feelings about it and they might not do it, quote unquote, “right.”
Nina: It's going to be inconvenient for them, right? And they might be angry about it or whatever, but you're going to get pushback. People might say you're being selfish or difficult or that you're changing the rules. And this is where your nervous system regulation becomes crucial, Rockstars. Because when people push back against your boundaries or your requests, your body is going to want to cave to keep the peace.
Kelle: Ah, that's so true. Your people-pleasing patterns are going to kick in hard. But remember, the people who benefit from your over-functioning are not the best advisors on whether you should stop over-functioning.
Nina: Oh my God. Totally. Right. Yeah. Their discomfort with your new boundaries doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong. It means they've gotten comfortable with an arrangement that was unsustainable for you.
Kelle: And that is not your problem to solve by going back to that old pattern.
Nina: Right. Your job isn't to make other people comfortable with your growth. Your job is to create a life that's sustainable for you.
Kelle: This makes me think. I think one of the biggest fears people have around this topic is, but if I stop doing all these things, will people still need me? Will they still want me around?
Nina: Oh, that fear is so real, right? It's like the tribe mentality. Like, am I useful? Right? Because we all want to be useful because many of us learned early on that our value comes from that usefulness.
Kelle: Okay, but here's what we've learned. Real connection isn't built on one person carrying everything while everyone else gets to be carefree.
Nina: Yeah, true intimacy happens when everyone gets to show up as a whole person with both needs and the capacity to meet needs. So when you stop over-functioning, you give other people the gift of being able to contribute meaningfully to your life and relationships.
Kelle: Nina, I just want to side note the story here of like cooking dinner, and I used to cook dinner with a glass of wine, and I didn't mind doing it by myself because I had a glass of wine, and it was all fun and everything. But now that I'm not drinking and having that friend with me, a glass of wine friend, it's kind of boring in the kitchen for me. And so I want some help. I want the people to come in, and they're not used to coming and helping because they're used to me doing it. So it's like a pattern that needs to shift, right?
Nina: Oh, totally, Kel. And the relationships that can't survive the shift, right? The ask, the request, the shift in responsibility, those weren't actually relationships. They were arrangements where you were providing a service, which is heartbreaking to realize, but also incredibly freeing if you can see it that way. Sometimes it takes a minute to get there, right? Because it means you can start building connections that are actually reciprocal. This is just singing to me, right? Like where everyone gets to give and receive. You're not doing all the heavy lifting and juggling all the balls alone.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Okay. Love it. Thank you for backing me up there, Nina. Okay, before we wrap up, we want to address something directly. Your resentment doesn't make you a bad person.
Nina: Underline and highlight this, please. It makes you human. It makes you someone who has needs and boundaries and limits, which is exactly what you're supposed to be.
Kelle: Yeah, the narrative that says women should give endlessly without ever feeling resentful is a lie designed to keep you small and manageable.
Nina: Your resentment is actually evidence that you have healthy instincts. It means some part of you knows you deserve better.
Kelle: And instead of judging that part of you, we want you to thank it because it's been trying to protect you this whole time.
Nina: So the next time you feel that familiar bitter taste of resentment rising up, don't push it down. Get curious about what it's trying to tell you. Ask yourself, what am I carrying that was never meant to be mine alone? And what would it look like to put some of this down?
Kelle: All right, Rockstars, let's leave you with some concrete actions you can take this week. Step one, make that list we talked about. So write down everything you're currently responsible for, both the obvious ones and that invisible labor that we just love.
Nina: Yeah. Step two, for each item, ask yourself, is this mine to carry alone, or have I just been doing it because no one else was?
Kelle: And step three, pick one thing from that list that you can reasonably redistribute or delegate.
Nina: We love delegating. Yes.
Kelle: Yes.
Nina: Step four, have a calm, clear conversation about redistributing that responsibility. But remember, this is about creating sustainability, not about punishment, right?
Kelle: So true. And then step five, when people push back because they probably will, remind yourself their discomfort with your boundaries is not your emergency.
Nina: Your resentment is a compass pointing you toward the life you actually want to live. Don't ignore it.
Kelle: The world doesn't need another version of you that carries everything alone while pretending it's fine. It's fine. I got it. The world needs you rested, boundaried, and showing up from choice rather than obligation.
Nina: And remember, you teaching other people how to contribute to your life isn't selfish. It's how healthy relationships actually work.
Kelle: All right, Rockstars, that's a wrap for today. If this episode hit different, share it with someone who needs to hear it.
Nina: Oh, please do. Share, share, share.
Kelle: Yeah.
Nina: And as always, your time is now. Okay, we'll see you next week. Thanks for being here.
Kelle: All right, thanks for being here. See you next time.
Hey Rockstars, ready to make this fall different? To stop cycling through the same old patterns of people pleasing, perfectionism, and overwhelm? It's time to break free. We have limited spots open for coaching this fall. So schedule a consultation with us at kelleandnina.com and let's get to work on actually implementing the tools and systems, and concepts that you hear us talk about here on Ambitious-ish, so you can actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create. Don't wait. This is your reset opportunity. Visit kelleandnina.com.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: Yeah, they're clues and signs that you have unmet needs. Resentment, especially.
Kelle: Resentment isn't just frustration. It's a signal that you've been carrying things that were never meant to be yours alone.
Nina: I mean, think about it. When do you feel most resentful? Is it when you're doing all the emotional labor in your relationship, managing everyone else's feelings while neglecting your own, taking responsibility for outcomes you can't actually control?
Kelle: Like that burning feeling in your chest? That's your inner wisdom saying, this isn't sustainable. This isn't fair. This isn't yours to carry.
Nina: Most of us have been taught to push through resentment, to be the strong one, to just handle it. But resentment isn't a character flaw. It's intel.
Kelle: Mm, it's your system telling you exactly where your boundaries have been crossed and your energy has been misplaced.
Nina: The question isn't, how do I stop feeling resentful? The question is, what is this resentment trying to teach me about what I need to put down?
Kelle: Because the things you're carrying that aren't yours, they're not just weighing you down, they're preventing the people around you from carrying their own weight.
Nina: Ready to listen to what your resentment is telling you?
Kelle: All right, let's go. This is Ambitious-Ish.
This is Ambitious-ish. Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And today we're talking about something that might make you squirm a little bit. We're diving into resentment. And before you skip this episode thinking, oh, I don't have resentment issues, stay with us because resentment isn't always the loud, obvious anger you might think it is.
Kelle: Right. Sometimes, resentment shows up as that tight feeling in your chest when your partner asks what's for dinner for the fifth night in a row. Sometimes it's the eye roll you suppress when your boss assigns you another urgent project, while your co-worker somehow never gets asked to stay late.
Nina: Or that bitter taste in your mouth when everyone's praising your friend for being so organized while you're the one who actually planned the entire group trip behind the scenes, right?
Kelle: Mm, exactly. And here's what we want you to understand today. Resentment isn't a character flaw. It's not proof that you're ungrateful or selfish or mean. Resentment is data. It's your nervous system sending you a very clear signal that something is off in your life's ecosystem.
Nina: And that signal is this: You've been carrying things that were never meant to be yours alone.
Kelle: So, let's start with what resentment actually is because I think there's a lot of confusion around this emotion in particular.
Nina: Yeah, right? Resentment is what happens when there's a mismatch between what you're giving and what you're receiving, whether that's energy, effort, recognition, support, or even care.
Kelle: Okay, but here's the kicker. And listen, this is where it gets uncomfortable. Resentment often builds up in situations where we are the ones who set up the imbalance in the first place.
Nina: Oh yeah, this is the part where people get defensive. But stay with us because this isn't about blame. This is about empowerment.
Kelle: Right. When I say you set up the imbalance, I don't mean you consciously chose to be overburdened. No, I mean that you likely have been operating from patterns that were programmed into you very early on.
Nina: Yeah, from a very early age, right? The good girl programming that taught you your worth comes from how much you can give, how much you can handle, how little you need in return.
Kelle: Exactly. So you start over-functioning in relationships and at work and in your family, you become the one who remembers everything, manages everything, fixes everything.
Nina: And at first, this feels good. People appreciate you. They need you. You feel valuable and important.
Kelle: But then, slowly, that appreciation starts to feel like expectation. And that expectation starts to feel like entitlement from others.
Nina: And suddenly you're trapped in patterns where everyone else gets to be carefree while you're carrying the mental load for multiple people's lives. I think it was Esther Perel who says, right, expectations are resentment waiting to happen.
Kelle: I think you're right. And that's when resentment creeps in because deep down, you know this isn't sustainable. You know this is not fair.
Nina: Why do we ignore the signal, Kelle? Here's what happens for most of us, right? Instead of listening to the resentment as valuable information, as intel, we judge ourselves for having it.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah, if you're anything like me, we think, I shouldn't feel this way. I should just be grateful. Other people have it worse, right?
Nina: Yeah, or we tell ourselves if I just work harder, if I just manage my expectations better, the resentment will go away.
Kelle: But that's like putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone and wondering why it's not healing.
Nina: Right, because resentment isn't the problem, it's the symptom. The problem is that you've been taught to carry burdens that were meant to be shared.
Kelle: And the reason we struggle to listen to this signal is because addressing it means having uncomfortable conversations. It means setting boundaries. It means potentially disappointing people who have gotten comfortable with our, your over-functioning. It means potentially disappointing people who have gotten comfortable with our over-functioning.
Nina: And that feels scary when your nervous system has been conditioned to believe that other people's comfort equals your safety. But here's what we need you to understand. Your resentment is trying to protect you. It's your internal alarm system saying, this situation is unsustainable. Something needs to change. It's almost like, yeah, self-protection.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, let's talk about what happens when we ignore the signal for too long. First, your health starts to suffer. Your nervous system gets stuck in a chronic state of stress. We call this a stress cycle because you're constantly in management mode for everyone else's life.
Nina: Oh my God, this is the 3Ms. We call this the 3Ms. Managing, mothering, and martyring. Listen, and it's out of control. Your creativity gets stifled because all your mental energy is going towards maintaining systems that other adults should be contributing to.
Kelle: Yeah, and this can look like your relationships becoming transactional. You start keeping score even if you don't want to admit it, right?
Nina: It's like that tit-for-tatting, right? Yeah. And your dreams, they get pushed to the back burner because you're too busy managing everyone else's priorities.
Kelle: Okay, plus, and this is important. When you're carrying things that aren't yours to carry, you're actually robbing other people of the opportunity to grow, to contribute, to take responsibility for their own lives.
Nina: Yeah, when you're leaning over everyone's shoulder, right, micromanaging. Yeah, that's such a good point. We think we're being helpful, but sometimes our over-functioning is actually enabling other people's under-functioning.
We call this codependence. It's a big word and a concept we unpack in episode 39. For our clients, codependence comes in a special shade called high-functioning codependence. Terri Cole coined this concept. There's a big difference between helping and enabling and that's the line we have to learn how to walk.
Kelle: Exactly. Your partner doesn't learn to notice when the kids need new clothes because you always handle it, right? Your team doesn't develop problem-solving skills because you always swoop in with the solutions.
Nina: Oh my God, the other day I noticed there was no toilet paper in the house, and I'm like, something is up if there's no toilet paper because I usually have that covered. You know what I mean? Like, okay.
Kelle: Totally, totally.
Nina: Like, there are some screws loose, or it's just an indicator. But yeah, your friends don't learn to plan because you always take care of the details, right?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. And then everybody's growth gets stunted, yours and theirs.
Nina: Yours and theirs. So how do we start using resentment as information instead of just suffering through it, right? Sucking it up. First, you have to get curious instead of judgmental. All right, Rockstars. When you notice that familiar bitter feeling rising up, instead of pushing it down, ask yourself, what is this indicating, right? What is this trying to tell me? Take a second.
Kelle: Yeah, such a great question. And usually the answer is one of these: I'm doing too much, I'm not asking for what I need, or I'm not honoring my own boundaries. So, the next question becomes, what am I carrying that isn't mine to carry alone?
Nina: Maybe it's the entire mental load of your household, exhausting. Maybe it's your boss's inability to plan ahead. Maybe it's your friend's emotional regulation.
Kelle: Yes. And once you identify what you're carrying, you can start asking, okay, how did I end up with this responsibility? And what would it look like to share it? You're welcome, right? Or give it back.
Nina: But, and this is crucial, you have to be honest about your own role in creating these patterns.
Kelle: Yes. Yes. This is not about blaming yourself. It's about taking responsibility for how you've been showing up.
Nina: Yeah, we call this cleaning up your side of the street. Because here's the truth. You can't control other people's behavior, but you can absolutely change your own patterns.
Kelle: All right, so let's get practical. If you're listening to this and you're thinking, okay, I can see how I've been over-functioning, but how do I actually change this without everything falling apart, right?
Nina: Oh my God, totally. Without dropping any balls, right?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Don't want to drop the balls.
Nina: First step, map out what you're actually carrying, right? Let's make a list of all the responsibilities, tasks, and emotional labor you're telling yourself you need to handle. Both the obvious stuff, like bill pay, appointment scheduling, and the invisible stuff like remembering everyone's preferences, managing family relationships, keeping track of what needs to get done.
Kelle: Then, for each item on that list, ask yourself, is this actually my responsibility, or have I just been doing it because no one else was? And be honest here. Just because you're good at something doesn't mean it's your job to do it forever.
Nina: Okay, and a side note here. I mean, I know this from my kids. They know if they leave it long enough, I'll do it. Like that's what I've conditioned them to do. And so this doesn't happen anymore at the house, but they're like, I know if I let it go long enough, mom will handle it. So we like unwittingly condition the people around us to let us handle it. So if this is singing to you, you're not alone. But anyway, next here, start small. Pick one thing you've been handling that could reasonably be someone else's responsibility.
Kelle: Okay. Here's the key though: Have the conversation before you hit your limit. Do not wait until you are in complete survival, so resentful that you have the conversation and it comes out as more of an attack.
Nina: Yeah, right? Approach it from a place of “I've been handling X and I need some support with this, right? How can we support each other? How can we share this responsibility? I'm exhausted,” right? “Or I need a hand. Let's collaborate.” Yeah.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, not, “I do everything around here. You never help with anything,” which is what it sounds like when we wait until we're at our breaking point, right?
Nina: Yeah, and we you've heard us talk about this a lot, right? I mean, before we set a boundary, before we do anything, we have to pause and regulate, right? We can't make these requests from survival mode. All the while you understand, right, that the task you're asking for help and support with, it's not going to be executed or even resulted the same way it would if you did it. Remind yourself of this ahead of time. Like it's not going to look the way it would if you did it.
Kelle: Yeah. I mean, let's be real. When you start redistributing responsibilities that you've been carrying alone, people are going to have feelings about it and they might not do it, quote unquote, “right.”
Nina: It's going to be inconvenient for them, right? And they might be angry about it or whatever, but you're going to get pushback. People might say you're being selfish or difficult or that you're changing the rules. And this is where your nervous system regulation becomes crucial, Rockstars. Because when people push back against your boundaries or your requests, your body is going to want to cave to keep the peace.
Kelle: Ah, that's so true. Your people-pleasing patterns are going to kick in hard. But remember, the people who benefit from your over-functioning are not the best advisors on whether you should stop over-functioning.
Nina: Oh my God. Totally. Right. Yeah. Their discomfort with your new boundaries doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong. It means they've gotten comfortable with an arrangement that was unsustainable for you.
Kelle: And that is not your problem to solve by going back to that old pattern.
Nina: Right. Your job isn't to make other people comfortable with your growth. Your job is to create a life that's sustainable for you.
Kelle: This makes me think. I think one of the biggest fears people have around this topic is, but if I stop doing all these things, will people still need me? Will they still want me around?
Nina: Oh, that fear is so real, right? It's like the tribe mentality. Like, am I useful? Right? Because we all want to be useful because many of us learned early on that our value comes from that usefulness.
Kelle: Okay, but here's what we've learned. Real connection isn't built on one person carrying everything while everyone else gets to be carefree.
Nina: Yeah, true intimacy happens when everyone gets to show up as a whole person with both needs and the capacity to meet needs. So when you stop over-functioning, you give other people the gift of being able to contribute meaningfully to your life and relationships.
Kelle: Nina, I just want to side note the story here of like cooking dinner, and I used to cook dinner with a glass of wine, and I didn't mind doing it by myself because I had a glass of wine, and it was all fun and everything. But now that I'm not drinking and having that friend with me, a glass of wine friend, it's kind of boring in the kitchen for me. And so I want some help. I want the people to come in, and they're not used to coming and helping because they're used to me doing it. So it's like a pattern that needs to shift, right?
Nina: Oh, totally, Kel. And the relationships that can't survive the shift, right? The ask, the request, the shift in responsibility, those weren't actually relationships. They were arrangements where you were providing a service, which is heartbreaking to realize, but also incredibly freeing if you can see it that way. Sometimes it takes a minute to get there, right? Because it means you can start building connections that are actually reciprocal. This is just singing to me, right? Like where everyone gets to give and receive. You're not doing all the heavy lifting and juggling all the balls alone.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Okay. Love it. Thank you for backing me up there, Nina. Okay, before we wrap up, we want to address something directly. Your resentment doesn't make you a bad person.
Nina: Underline and highlight this, please. It makes you human. It makes you someone who has needs and boundaries and limits, which is exactly what you're supposed to be.
Kelle: Yeah, the narrative that says women should give endlessly without ever feeling resentful is a lie designed to keep you small and manageable.
Nina: Your resentment is actually evidence that you have healthy instincts. It means some part of you knows you deserve better.
Kelle: And instead of judging that part of you, we want you to thank it because it's been trying to protect you this whole time.
Nina: So the next time you feel that familiar bitter taste of resentment rising up, don't push it down. Get curious about what it's trying to tell you. Ask yourself, what am I carrying that was never meant to be mine alone? And what would it look like to put some of this down?
Kelle: All right, Rockstars, let's leave you with some concrete actions you can take this week. Step one, make that list we talked about. So write down everything you're currently responsible for, both the obvious ones and that invisible labor that we just love.
Nina: Yeah. Step two, for each item, ask yourself, is this mine to carry alone, or have I just been doing it because no one else was?
Kelle: And step three, pick one thing from that list that you can reasonably redistribute or delegate.
Nina: We love delegating. Yes.
Kelle: Yes.
Nina: Step four, have a calm, clear conversation about redistributing that responsibility. But remember, this is about creating sustainability, not about punishment, right?
Kelle: So true. And then step five, when people push back because they probably will, remind yourself their discomfort with your boundaries is not your emergency.
Nina: Your resentment is a compass pointing you toward the life you actually want to live. Don't ignore it.
Kelle: The world doesn't need another version of you that carries everything alone while pretending it's fine. It's fine. I got it. The world needs you rested, boundaried, and showing up from choice rather than obligation.
Nina: And remember, you teaching other people how to contribute to your life isn't selfish. It's how healthy relationships actually work.
Kelle: All right, Rockstars, that's a wrap for today. If this episode hit different, share it with someone who needs to hear it.
Nina: Oh, please do. Share, share, share.
Kelle: Yeah.
Nina: And as always, your time is now. Okay, we'll see you next week. Thanks for being here.
Kelle: All right, thanks for being here. See you next time.
Hey Rockstars, ready to make this fall different? To stop cycling through the same old patterns of people pleasing, perfectionism, and overwhelm? It's time to break free. We have limited spots open for coaching this fall. So schedule a consultation with us at kelleandnina.com and let's get to work on actually implementing the tools and systems, and concepts that you hear us talk about here on Ambitious-ish, so you can actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create. Don't wait. This is your reset opportunity. Visit kelleandnina.com.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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