71. Poking Holes in Your Control Enthusiasm

Do you feel a need to control everything? Your control enthusiasm feels like your superpower. Checking everyone's work, approving every decision, convincing yourself that nobody can do it like you can. You've built something amazing, but you've also built yourself a beautiful prison where you're both the warden and the prisoner.

This episode tackles control enthusiasm head-on - that need to control everything that feels like it's making you successful but is actually keeping you stuck as the bottleneck in your life. We break down the five phases of releasing control enthusiasm, from peak control all the way to true entrustment. Most ambitious women get trapped in phase three, where they think they're delegating, but they're really just outsourcing execution while keeping all the decision-making power.

You'll discover why your need to be needed is actually making you less effective, not more. We explore how true leadership isn't about being indispensable, it's about making others capable. When you master the art of true entrustment, you don't just become a better leader, you become free to focus on bigger challenges and grow beyond what you can personally control.


Want more live access to us? Get on our email list where you can ask us questions, get coached, and be the first to know about trainings, events, and free coaching. Click here to sign up now!

And if you know you need help finding balance and becoming unapologetically Ambitious-Ish, click here to book a free 60-minute consult to see if we’re a good match. Either you take all the awareness and value you get from the call and you run with it, or you coach with us for six months. That's two coaches for six months, and it's all about you.


What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • The five phases of control enthusiasm, and why most people get stuck in phase three.

  • How your control enthusiasm trains people to be extensions of your brain instead of using their own.

  • Why different doesn't mean wrong when someone does things their way instead of yours.

  • The four main fears that keep you gripping tight and how to overcome them.

  • What true entrustment looks like versus just organized control enthusiasm.

  • How to transfer power, not just delegate tasks, to create sustainable growth.

  • Why being needed for everything is codependency, not love or leadership.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:

  • Click here to follow, rate, and review the show. And if you love the show, don’t forget to share with someone you think will benefit!

  • Want to start ramping up your self-awareness so you’re on to yourself before Burnout fully takes over? Click here to get your free Burnout Alarm Bell Study Guide!

  • Let us know what you think of the show so far and what you’d like to hear more of or less of over on Instagram!

  • Schedule your free consultation for our new three-month coaching container here.

Full Episode Transcript:

Nina: All right, let's talk about something you probably think is your superpower. It's a little thing we call your control enthusiasm.

Kelle: You know what we mean. Checking everyone's work, being the decision maker for every little thing, and convincing yourself that nobody can do it like I can.

Nina: Maybe you don't realize it, but you have a need to control everything. And this control enthusiasm feels like what makes you successful, right?

Kelle: Actually, wrong. It's what's keeping you stuck as the bottleneck in your life. And that pressure you feel? It's totally optional.

Nina: Yeah, today we're lovingly poking holes in the idea that your control makes you indispensable. We're breaking down the five phases of control enthusiasm, why most ambitious women get trapped in phase three, and how to reach that final phase where you actually multiply your impact instead of limiting it.

Kelle: Plus, we're calling out all the ways your control enthusiasm is making you less effective, not more effective.

Nina: Ready to discover why your need to be needed is sabotaging everything you've built? You're in the right place.

Kelle: All right, let's get going. This is Ambitious-ish.

Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.

Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.

Nina: And I'm Nina. And today we're poking some serious holes in something you probably think is your superpower.

Kelle: We're talking about your control enthusiasm. And before you get defensive, we know you think your need to control everything is what makes you successful.

Nina: But we're here to lovingly burst that bubble and show you why your control enthusiasm might actually be sabotaging everything you've worked so hard to build.

Kelle: Because here's what we've discovered after coaching hundreds of ambitious women. You're amazing at starting things. You're amazing at building things and creating things, but you're terrible at one crucial skill.

Nina: Yeah, and that's actually empowering other people to own what you've created. And that control enthusiasm, it's keeping you stuck, burned out, and building businesses and relationships that completely depend on you being the bottleneck.

Kelle: So today we're breaking down the five phases of releasing your control enthusiasm. Why most people get stuck in phase three and how to reach that final phase where the real magic happens.

Nina: Plus, we're going to lovingly call out all the ways your control enthusiasm is actually making you less effective, not more.

Kelle: So buckle up, listeners, because if you're someone who prides yourself on being indispensable, this episode is about to poke some serious holes in that whole strategy.

Nina: Yeah, let's start with some truth-telling. How many of you listening right now are the person everyone comes to with questions? The one who has to approve every decision, the one who feels like nothing gets done right unless you do it yourself.

Kelle: If that's you, congratulations, because you've built yourself a beautiful prison. And you're both the warden and the prisoner.

Nina: Because here's what's really happening when your control enthusiasm is running the show. You're not just controlling the work, you're controlling the people. You're sending the message that you don't trust them, that they're not capable, that their way is wrong.

Kelle: Yeah, control enthusiasm is rooted in fear, fear that things might not go perfectly or go correctly.

Nina: And then you wonder why they don't take initiative, right? Why they don't think for themselves? Why they keep coming to you for every little decision? Your fear is contagious. Your control enthusiasm has trained them that their job is to be extensions of your brain, not to use their own.

Kelle: So, let's break down how most of us learned to dial down the control enthusiasm the hard way. Because if you're listening to this, chances are you've been through at least some of these phases.

Nina: Yeah, here we go. Phase one, we call this peak control enthusiasm. This is where most ambitious women start, right? You don't know what you don't know, so you just do everything. You build it all yourself because honestly, nobody else can do it like you can. Your control enthusiasm is at an all time high.

Kelle: This phase feels amazing at first because your control enthusiasm is being fully satisfied. Every detail is exactly how you want it. Nothing falls through the cracks because you are handling everything.

Nina: But then reality hits. You realize your control enthusiasm has built something that completely depends on you working 80-plus hour weeks. You've created a business or a family dynamic where you're the single point of failure.

Kelle: And can I say before we go to the next one that this is where we meet a lot of our clients? We just started with a new client, and we talked for a full hour about this the other day about control enthusiasm and just letting go bit by bit. And we'll get there.

Which brings us to phase two, the panic handoff. Your control enthusiasm is still high, but you're drowning, so you start throwing tasks at people too fast, too messy, with zero training, because you're desperate for relief.

Nina: You hand someone a project on Friday and expect them to magically know everything you know by Monday. Then, when they inevitably mess it up, your control enthusiasm gets vindicated. Like, "See, I told you, nobody can do it like I can."

Kelle: A spoiler alert, this doesn't work. All you've done is feed your control enthusiasm with setting everyone else up to fail.

Nina: Which leads to phase three, maximum control enthusiasm. You overcorrect hard here. You hover, you micromanage, you say you're delegating, but really your control enthusiasm has just gotten more sophisticated.

Kelle: This is where most people get stuck, and it's the most exhausting phase of all because your control enthusiasm is working overtime. You're doing all the mental work of the task, plus the work of managing the person doing the task. Oof.

Nina: Yeah, you're basically feeding your control enthusiasm twice. Once in your head as you worry about how they're doing it, and once when you inevitably have to fix or redo what they've done.

Kelle: But here's what's really happening in phase three. Your control enthusiasm isn't actually teaching anyone anything. You're just outsourcing the execution while keeping all of the decision-making power.

Nina: Which is why so many people think they've tamed their control enthusiasm when they reach phase four. But they haven't. Phase four is what we call organized control enthusiasm, where you finally learn to delegate properly with training, structure, and accountability.

Kelle: All right. In phase four, you create systems. You document processes. You train people properly and give them clear expectations. Your control enthusiasm feels satisfied because things are actually working.

Nina: Yeah, and phase four is a huge improvement, but most people stop there and think they've conquered their control enthusiasm. They think good delegation is the end goal.

Kelle: But listen, there's a fifth phase that separates true leaders from people whose control enthusiasm has just gotten really, really organized. And most people never reach it because it requires something that goes against every control enthusiast instinct you have.

Nina: Yeah, here's phase five, releasing control enthusiasm, releasing it. This is where you fully transfer power without shadow control, without secret judgment, without that little voice of control enthusiasm constantly whispering, “they're doing it wrong.”

Kelle: In phase five, you don't just delegate tasks, you transfer power. You don't just hand off the work, you empower people to own the vision, to carry it, to make it better than you could ever alone.

Nina: And when you do this, something magical happens. What started with your knowing becomes theirs. What once depended on your death grip now thrives without you.

Kelle: Because you didn't just teach them how to do something, you taught them how to think about it, how to make decisions about it, how to innovate and improve it.

Nina: But here's why most people never reach phase five. Their control enthusiasm is convinced it's keeping them relevant and valuable.

Kelle: Yeah, they're afraid that if they really release control, if people don't need them anymore, they won't have value. That if someone else can do their job, they'll become dispensable.

Nina: So they hold on to just enough control enthusiasm to ensure that everyone still needs them. They become the bottleneck on purpose because being needed feels safe, feels like security.

Kelle: But that's backwards thinking, and your control enthusiasm is keeping you and everyone else around you small.

Nina: Yeah, your worth isn't measured by how much people need you, Rock Stars. It's measured by how much you empower them to not need you. Think about that best boss you ever had, that best teacher, the best mentor. What made them special? It wasn't that they made you dependent on them. It was that they gave you the tools and confidence to succeed without them.

Kelle: Yeah, they didn't just teach you what to do. They taught you how to think, and they didn't just solve your problems. They taught you how to solve problems.

Nina: Yeah, we love to say that great leaders create great leaders, right, Kel? And that is what real leadership looks like, not being indispensable, but making others capable.

Kelle: So let's get practical about what true entrustment actually looks like, because it's not just hands off and cross your fingers, hope for the best.

Nina: No, true entrustment starts with being clear about the outcome you want, not the process to get there. You define success, but you let them figure out how to achieve it.

Kelle: It means asking, what would this look like if you owned it completely instead of, here's exactly how I want you to do this thing.

Nina: It means being available for guidance when they ask, but not inserting yourself when they don't.

Kelle: And it means, and listen, this is the hardest part, being okay with them doing things differently than you would, as long as they're getting the results.

Nina: Because here's what most control freaks don't understand. Different doesn't mean wrong. It just means different.

Kelle: And sometimes different is actually better. Sometimes the person you've entrusted will come up with innovations you never would have thought of.

Nina: But you'll never see those innovations if you're so busy controlling the process that you don't give them space to think.

Kelle: All right. Now, let's talk about where this shows up in your life, because this isn't just about business delegation.

Nina: Yeah, this is about how you parent. Are you raising kids who can think for themselves? Or are you raising kids who need you to make every decision for them?

Kelle: This is about how you show up in relationships. I was just talking with one of our clients, and she wanted her husband to pitch in more, but she wanted him to pitch in the way that she wanted him to pitch in. Right?

Nina: Totally. I want you to want to do the dishes. Yeah.

Kelle: Yes, and I want you to clean the kitchen the right way, which means cleaning the entire kitchen, putting all the food away, cleaning the countertop off correctly, like doing the whole entire thing, right?

Oof. Okay. This is about how you show up in relationships. Are you partnering with people, or are you managing them?

Nina: Yeah, this is about how you lead teams. Are you developing leaders, or are you creating dependency?

Kelle: Because the same fear that keeps you micromanaging at work is the same fear that has you helicoptering your teenager or trying to control how your partner cleans the kitchen.

Nina: It's all the same root issue, the belief that love and value come from being needed.

Kelle: But listen, that's not love. That's codependency, and it's exhausting for everyone involved.

Nina: So let's address the fears that keep you stuck in the death grip, because we know what you're thinking right now.

Kelle: Okay, fear number one. What if they do it better than me? Okay, and here's a radical thought. What if that's exactly the point?

Nina: If someone you've trained and developed does something better than you, that's not a threat to your value. That's proof of your value as a leader.

Kelle: Mmm, so good. Okay, fear number two.

Nina: What if they don't need me anymore?

Kelle: Good, right? That means that you've done your job. Your goal should be to work yourself out of being needed for the day-to-day stuff so that you can focus on the bigger, more important things.

Nina: Yeah, fear number three, what if they mess it up? Listen, they probably will sometimes, and that's how they learn. You messed things up a lot when you were learning, too.

Kelle: Yeah. Okay, fear number four. What if I become irrelevant? Listen, you won't. You'll become available for higher level work, bigger challenges, and more strategic thinking.

Nina: Yeah, the goal isn't to become irrelevant. It's to become relevant for different, more important things.

Kelle: Because here's what happens when you master true entrustment. You multiply your impact exponentially.

Nina: Instead of being limited by what you can personally accomplish, you become limited only by what your team can accomplish.

Kelle: Yeah, and instead of building something that depends on you, you build something that can grow beyond you.

Nina: Yeah, instead of being the smartest person in the room, you become the person who develops the smartest people in the room. This is so killer.

Kelle: Okay, that, Rock Star, is how you create something truly sustainable.

Nina: Now, let's talk about some homework here, right? Because we're not just here to give you more information in theory, we're here to give you action steps.

Kelle: Yeah, we want you to identify one area in your life where you're stuck in phases one through four, where you're controlling instead of entrusting.

Nina: Maybe it's a project at work that you're micromanaging. Maybe it's how you're parenting. Maybe it's how you're running your business or your household.

Kelle: Okay, so ask yourself, what would this look like if I truly entrusted this to someone else? What would I need to define in terms of outcomes? What would I need to let go of in terms of process?

Nina: And here's the scary part. We want you to actually do it. Pick one thing and practice true entrustment for the next 30 days.

Kelle: Yeah, define the outcome you want. Communicate it clearly. Then, step back and let them figure it out from there.

Nina: And when your control freak brain starts freaking out, and it will, remind yourself that your job is to develop people, not to control them.

Kelle: Because the thing that you're most afraid of letting go of, it might just be the thing that's keeping you from reaching your full potential.

Kelle: It's not about being needed, it's about being the person who empowers others to not need you.

Nina: And when you get comfortable with that, when you master the art of true entrustment, you don't just become a better leader. You become free. Free to focus on bigger challenges, free to innovate, free to grow beyond what you can personally control.

Kelle: Okay, so stop gripping so tight, Rock Star. The thing you're afraid to lose, it only gets stronger when you have the courage to let it go.

Nina: That's not just delegation. That's revolution. All right, until next time, practice loosening that death grip and trusting the people you've developed to rise to the occasion.

Kelle: Yes, this is gold. Thanks so much for being here, and we will see you next time.

Nina: Yeah, see you next time.

Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.

Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.

Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.

Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.

Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.

Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.

Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.

Kelle: See you in the next episode!

Enjoy the Show?

  • Don’t miss an episode, follow the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!

Next
Next

70. Why Being Bad at Something is Your Superpower