72. Not Feeling Heard Is Completely Optional
How much time and energy do you spend feeling disrespected or unheard? Many high-achieving women find themselves ruminating over moments when they feel overlooked or ignored, whether it’s a boss talking over them or a partner not acknowledging their contributions. These feelings can chip away at trust and collaboration, leaving us emotionally drained. But here’s the truth: feeling disrespected is optional. It’s not about other people’s behavior, but about how we choose to interpret it.
In this episode, we break down how feeling disrespected comes from our thoughts, not someone else’s actions. We talk about how our brain adds meaning to neutral events, like someone interrupting us, and how those thoughts create emotional responses. By separating facts from interpretations, we can regain our power and stop outsourcing our worth to others. You’ll learn how to stop reacting emotionally and start responding from a place of strategy and clarity.
Making feeling disrespected optional doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior or ignoring boundaries. It means reclaiming our mental energy and choosing how to respond in any situation. When we stop taking things personally, our relationships improve, our influence grows, and we become more resilient because we’re no longer at the mercy of other people’s behavior.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why feeling disrespected is a choice based on your thoughts, not other people's actions.
How to separate facts from interpretations when someone's behavior bothers you.
The connection between whose opinions matter to you and who can make you feel disrespected.
Practical steps to respond from strategy instead of emotion when faced with problematic behavior.
Why your attention is your most valuable resource and how feeling disrespected steals it.
How to set boundaries and address unacceptable behavior from a regulated nervous system.
What changes when you stop taking other people's behavior personally.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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61. Why Conflict Resolution Isn't About Communication Techniques
Click here to access our free No BS Boundary Playbook.
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: How much time did you spend last week not feeling heard or even disrespected?
Nina: Yeah, your boss talking over you in meetings, your partner not acknowledging your work, someone interrupting you like your ideas don't matter?
Kelle: Here's what's about to blow your mind. That feeling of being disrespected or not heard, it's completely optional.
Nina: What? We know you want to argue with us right now. But Kelle and Nina, some things really are disrespectful, and I really do feel unheard.
Kelle: And listen, we're not disagreeing. We're saying that whether you feel unheard or disrespected is still your choice.
Nina: Yeah, today we're challenging one of the most sacred beliefs that other people's behavior controls how you feel.
Kelle: We're showing you how feeling disrespected is actually just giving your power away. Why your attention is being hijacked by other people's dysfunction.
Nina: And how to reclaim your mental energy for the things that actually matter.
Kelle: All right, are you ready to become unshakable in your own worth? Let's go.
Nina: Yeah, this is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And today we're about to blow your mind with something that might make you want to pick a fight with us. Let's be real.
Kelle: Okay, we're talking about how feeling disrespected is completely optional. How feeling not heard, that is completely optional.
Nina: And before you start mentally composing your angry email about how some things really are disrespectful, stick with us because this concept is about to change everything.
Kelle: Because here's what we've discovered after coaching hundreds of ambitious women: The amount of time and energy you spend feeling disrespected is directly proportional to how much power you're giving away.
Nina: I just want to triple underline and highlight that. That feeling of being disrespected, it's not coming from what other people are doing to you. It's coming from what you're thinking about what they're doing. I'm going to take this slow.
Kelle: Yes. Yes.
Nina: Right?
Kelle: Yes. Yes, today we're going to challenge everything you think you know about respect. Why feeling disrespected is actually a choice and how to reclaim your power in situations where you used to feel victimized.
Nina: So buckle up, because we're about to poke some serious holes in one of the most sacred beliefs ambitious women hold: that other people's behavior controls how you feel.
Kelle: Oh, man, where do we start? Just kidding. We know exactly where to start. We're going to start with some truth-telling. How much time did you spend last week feeling unheard, feeling disrespected, either one of those?
Nina: Yeah, maybe it was your boss interrupting you in a meeting. Maybe it was your partner not acknowledging the invisible load you carry. Maybe it was a friend showing up late without apology after you stressed and hustled to be there on time. Maybe it was someone talking over you, or not hearing your ideas or perspective. This is actually a big one for our clients. Right, Kel? We often coach our clients when they don't feel heard.
Kelle: Yeah, not feeling heard chips away at trust and collaboration. Remember, when tension builds and disagreements happen, your body isn't reacting to the current situation that's happening right now. It's responding to everything it has ever learned about what conflict means to you. This can totally change the way that we show up in disagreements, so we both feel seen and heard.
Nina: Yeah, see episode 61 for more here. It's one of our more popular episodes. It's called Why Conflict Resolution Isn't About Communication Techniques.
Kelle: Yes. So you know how it goes. In those tense moments, you're probably thinking, “That was so disrespectful. How dare they treat me that way?”
Nina: But here's what we want to offer you. What if the feeling of being disrespected has absolutely nothing to do with their behavior and everything to do with your thoughts about their behavior? Just give that a think for a sec, right? Let me repeat it. What if the feeling of being disrespected has absolutely nothing to do with their behavior and everything to do with your thoughts about that behavior?
Kelle: Yeah, what if respect isn't something other people give you or take away from you, but it's something that you give yourself?
Nina: Wait, what? Right? Mind blown yet? Because we're just getting started.
Kelle: Yeah, let's break this down because when you feel disrespected, what's really happening?
Nina: Someone does something, let's say they interrupt you. That's just a fact, a neutral event. Person A started talking while Person B was still talking.
Kelle: But then your brain adds meaning to that fact. They interrupted me because they don't value what I have to say. They think their ideas are more important than mine. They don't respect me.
Nina: We've all been there, right? It's like the other person isn't listening. They're waiting to respond, right?
Kelle: Right. And those thoughts, not the interruption itself, are what create the feeling of being disrespected.
Nina: Because here's what's fascinating. You could have completely different thoughts about the exact same interruption, right? They're excited about this topic. They're passionate. They probably didn't even realize they interrupted me.
Kelle: Or even, wow, they are on one today. They can't even slow down and listen right now. I wonder what that's about. I wonder what's going on with them, right? So bringing in some of that curiosity for a sec.
Nina: Yeah, same behavior, different thoughts, completely different emotional experience, especially when we tap into some curiosity. Now, we're not excusing this behavior, not telling you have to like it, but we want to try to understand versus judge, right, Kelle? Instead of going into fight, flight, freeze, fawn, right? We want to shift into our executive functioning and even into like rest and digest, and see what's really going on here.
Kelle: Yeah, when you understand your own nervous system tendencies and you can develop this kind of self-awareness by working with a coach, coaches like us, you can take a pretty solid guess when other people are dysregulated and respond to their dysregulation, not their words.
Nina: Yeah. Now, we're not victim blaming or telling you just to accept bad behavior here, right? That's not what we're saying. We're saying that when you understand that your feelings come from your thoughts, not from other people's actions, you get your power back.
Kelle: Yeah, instead of being at the mercy of everyone else's behavior, you get to choose how you want to experience any situation, how you want to respond, and show up.
Nina: Yeah, you get to decide what you want to make their behavior mean about them, about you, and about the relationship.
Kelle: And that is true empowerment.
Nina: Yeah, so let's talk about why this matters so much for ambitious women specifically, right? For all of our listeners.
Kelle: Yeah, here's what we see all the time. Brilliant, capable women spending hours processing how disrespected they felt in various situations, how unheard they felt.
Nina: Yeah, analyzing what the other person meant, what they should have said instead, what they're going to say next time, how they're never going to let that happen again.
Kelle: And listen, all this mental energy going towards something that's already over and can't be changed. Oh man, it's just such a drain, right?
Nina: Yeah. Instead of going toward what you want to create, what you want to build, what you want to accomplish, right?
Kelle: Yeah, your attention is your most valuable resource, and feeling disrespected is one of the biggest attention thieves out there.
Nina: Plus, here's something else we want to point out. The people you feel most disrespected by are usually the people whose opinions matter a lot to you, maybe even the most to you, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you don't feel disrespected by random strangers because you don't care what they think, right? You don't carry those interactions with you day after day, ruminating about them, right? You feel disrespected by your boss, or your partner, or your family, or the people close to you.
Nina: Which means that feeling disrespected is actually a sign that you're outsourcing your sense of worth to other people.
Kelle: You're making their behavior mean something about your value instead of something about their behavior.
Nina: And that, Rockstar, is giving your power away.
Kelle: All right, so let's get practical about this. What does it look like to make feeling disrespected optional?
Nina: Yeah, let's do this. First, you start paying attention to the story you're telling yourself about other people's behavior.
Kelle: Yeah, instead of they're being disrespectful, you ask, what am I making this mean about me? What am I making this mean about them?
Nina: Yeah, right? And then second, you practice separating the facts from your stories and interpretations, right?
Kelle: The fact is they interrupted me. The interpretation is they don't respect me. The fact is they don't acknowledge my contribution. The interpretation, they don't value my work.
Nina: Right? Sound familiar? Okay, so third, you get curious about alternative interpretations, right? Other thoughts, other beliefs.
Kelle: Yeah, so what else could this behavior mean? What if it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with what's going on with them, which really is the case most of the time, right?
Nina: Most of the time. Yeah, we just have to tap into that curiosity to get there, right? So fourth, you decide what you want to make it mean based on what serves you best.
Kelle: Okay, not what's true or quote unquote “right,” but what interpretation is going to help you feel more empowered and take effective action.
Nina: Now here's where people usually get confused and think we're saying you should just accept everything and never set boundaries, right?
Kelle: No. No, that is not what we're saying at all. Nope.
Nina: No, you can choose not to feel disrespected and still address behavior you don't want to continue.
Kelle: Yeah, you can have conversations about what you need. You can set boundaries. You can make different choices about who you spend time with.
Nina: But you can do all of that from a place of power instead of from a place of victimhood, from a regulated nervous system, for sure. We do not set boundaries or communicate unmet needs from a dysregulated state. Period.
Kelle: Yes. And this is a good time, Nina, to let everyone know that we have a new No BS Boundaries Playbook that we can share with everybody. We're going to drop a link in the show notes for that. So, just wanted to let you know, look in the show notes for that No BS Boundaries Playbook, okay? And listen, when you're not busy feeling disrespected, you can think more clearly about what you actually want to do about the situation.
Nina: Yeah, let's talk some examples here, right? Like what this might look like in real life.
Kelle: Okay. So example one, your boss doesn't have your back when you make a mistake and you overhear them talking to other team members about it.
Nina: Oof, old response, feel disrespected and betrayed, right? Spend the rest of the day fuming, complain to your partner about how unfair it is when you get home, right? Totally displaced the family dinner, how your boss is turning everyone against you, lose sleep thinking about what you should do, right? It goes on and on.
Kelle: So that's just your brain braining. So the new response is notice that your boss has opinions about your mistake. Decide what you want to make that mean. Maybe they are unsure what to do about it. Maybe they're insecure. Maybe they're getting pressure from other stakeholders and don't know how to manage their own stress and overwhelm.
Nina: Yeah, and from there, decide what action you want to take. Maybe you set up a time to talk with them. Maybe you send a follow-up email mapping out how you'll handle the mistake differently next time. Maybe you have a conversation with your boss about trust on your team and what trust looks and feels like to all of you.
Kelle: But you do it all from a place of strategy, not emotion. A regulated nervous system, not FFFF. Which could mean lots of different things, F or it could mean fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
Nina: All right, here's another example. Your friend shows up 30 minutes late to your dinner without calling.
Kelle: So an old response might feel disrespected, thinking about how they obviously don't value your time, be annoyed for the entire dinner, maybe bring it up passively aggressively.
Nina: Don't we love passive aggression? Yes. No, no. The new response is, you know, let's notice they're late. Decide what you want to make it mean. Maybe they're terrible at time management. Maybe something came up. Maybe this friendship isn't as much of a priority for them.
Kelle: Yeah, I mean, time management is really a problem here in Park City. I'm just saying. It's on Park City time. And then you decide what you want to do about it. Maybe you have a direct conversation about timeliness. Maybe you adjust your expectations for this friend. Maybe you decide this isn't someone you want to make plans with.
Nina: But again, you do it from choice, not from feeling victimized. Regulation, not dysregulation, right?
Kelle: Yeah, the key difference is that you're responding from your prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of your brain, instead of from your limbic system, the emotional reactive part.
Nina: And when you're thinking clearly, instead of feeling disrespected, you make much better decisions.
Kelle: Yeah. Now, let's address the big objection we know some of you are having right now.
Nina: But Nina and Kelle, some things really are disrespectful. Some behavior really is unacceptable.
Kelle: All right, we are not disagreeing with that, just to be clear. We're not saying all behavior is okay and that you should never have standards.
Nina: No. We're saying that whether you feel disrespected by that behavior is still optional.
Kelle: Yeah, you can recognize that someone's behavior is problematic without taking it personally.
Nina: You can address unacceptable behavior without making it mean something about your worth.
Kelle: You can have high standards for how you want to be treated without outsourcing your emotional state to other people's actions.
Nina: In fact, when you're not caught up in feeling disrespected, you're way more effective at actually changing the situation. And I have to call this out because we had a whole podcast episode about this, episode 39 when I talked about my divorce. This is gold, right? It's total gold. Go back and listen to it.
Kelle: Yes. Oh, that was such a good one. Because, listen, you're not operating from emotion, you're operating from clarity.
Nina: Ugh. Let's talk about what changes when you make feeling disrespected totally optional.
Kelle: First, you get so much mental energy back. Instead of spending hours processing how wronged you were, you can focus on what you want to create.
Nina: Yeah. Second, your relationships improve. When you're not constantly looking for signs of disrespect, you can actually enjoy the people in your life.
Kelle: Mhm. And third, you become more influential. People respond better to someone who's calm and clear than someone who's defensive and emotional and off the rails.
Nina: Right? Yeah. Fourth, you become more resilient. When your emotional state isn't dependent on other people's behavior, you become kind of unshakable. It's kind of rad.
Kelle: I love that word. And fifth, you model something powerful for everyone around you. You show them what it looks like to be secure in your own worth.
Nina: All right. This is so bad us. Let's get into your homework because we're not just here to give you information, right? Let's give you some steps here to play with.
Kelle: Okay. So for this next week, we want you to practice catching yourself when you feel disrespected.
Nina: Yeah, don't try to change the feeling yet. Just notice it. Don't judge yourself. Just notice what story you're telling yourself about what happened.
Kelle: Yeah, ask yourself, what am I making this mean about me? What am I making this mean about them?
Nina: Then get curious, what else could this mean? What interpretation would serve me better? Like, what exactly is clear here, right?
Kelle: Yes. Yes. And then you have a choice. Choose the interpretation that empowers you to take effective action.
Nina: Yeah, and remember, you're not trying to convince yourself that bad behavior is good here, Rockstars. That's not what we're doing here. You're just choosing not to take it personally.
Kelle: Yeah, because when you stop taking other people's behavior personally, you get your life back.
Nina: You get your power back. You get your peace back. You get your mental energy back. You get yourself back.
Kelle: Yeah, and you get to use all of that to create something amazing instead of just processing how wronged you feel.
Nina: Yeah, this isn't about becoming a doormat, right? This is about becoming unstoppable.
Kelle: Because when your emotional state isn't dependent on how other people treat you, you become dangerous to every system that profits from keeping you reactive and defensive.
Nina: Yeah, you become someone who can't be thrown off their game by other people's dysfunction.
Kelle: You become someone who responds from strategy instead of emotion.
Nina: Ugh. That is gold. That is true power.
Kelle: So, stop giving other people the remote control to your emotional state, Rockstar.
Nina: Yeah, take it back. Feeling disrespected is optional, and you get to choose something better.
Kelle: Ugh, so good. Until next time, practice standing tall in your worth.
Nina: Thanks for being here. See you next time.
Kelle: Yeah, we'll see you next time. Thank you.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: Yeah, your boss talking over you in meetings, your partner not acknowledging your work, someone interrupting you like your ideas don't matter?
Kelle: Here's what's about to blow your mind. That feeling of being disrespected or not heard, it's completely optional.
Nina: What? We know you want to argue with us right now. But Kelle and Nina, some things really are disrespectful, and I really do feel unheard.
Kelle: And listen, we're not disagreeing. We're saying that whether you feel unheard or disrespected is still your choice.
Nina: Yeah, today we're challenging one of the most sacred beliefs that other people's behavior controls how you feel.
Kelle: We're showing you how feeling disrespected is actually just giving your power away. Why your attention is being hijacked by other people's dysfunction.
Nina: And how to reclaim your mental energy for the things that actually matter.
Kelle: All right, are you ready to become unshakable in your own worth? Let's go.
Nina: Yeah, this is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And today we're about to blow your mind with something that might make you want to pick a fight with us. Let's be real.
Kelle: Okay, we're talking about how feeling disrespected is completely optional. How feeling not heard, that is completely optional.
Nina: And before you start mentally composing your angry email about how some things really are disrespectful, stick with us because this concept is about to change everything.
Kelle: Because here's what we've discovered after coaching hundreds of ambitious women: The amount of time and energy you spend feeling disrespected is directly proportional to how much power you're giving away.
Nina: I just want to triple underline and highlight that. That feeling of being disrespected, it's not coming from what other people are doing to you. It's coming from what you're thinking about what they're doing. I'm going to take this slow.
Kelle: Yes. Yes.
Nina: Right?
Kelle: Yes. Yes, today we're going to challenge everything you think you know about respect. Why feeling disrespected is actually a choice and how to reclaim your power in situations where you used to feel victimized.
Nina: So buckle up, because we're about to poke some serious holes in one of the most sacred beliefs ambitious women hold: that other people's behavior controls how you feel.
Kelle: Oh, man, where do we start? Just kidding. We know exactly where to start. We're going to start with some truth-telling. How much time did you spend last week feeling unheard, feeling disrespected, either one of those?
Nina: Yeah, maybe it was your boss interrupting you in a meeting. Maybe it was your partner not acknowledging the invisible load you carry. Maybe it was a friend showing up late without apology after you stressed and hustled to be there on time. Maybe it was someone talking over you, or not hearing your ideas or perspective. This is actually a big one for our clients. Right, Kel? We often coach our clients when they don't feel heard.
Kelle: Yeah, not feeling heard chips away at trust and collaboration. Remember, when tension builds and disagreements happen, your body isn't reacting to the current situation that's happening right now. It's responding to everything it has ever learned about what conflict means to you. This can totally change the way that we show up in disagreements, so we both feel seen and heard.
Nina: Yeah, see episode 61 for more here. It's one of our more popular episodes. It's called Why Conflict Resolution Isn't About Communication Techniques.
Kelle: Yes. So you know how it goes. In those tense moments, you're probably thinking, “That was so disrespectful. How dare they treat me that way?”
Nina: But here's what we want to offer you. What if the feeling of being disrespected has absolutely nothing to do with their behavior and everything to do with your thoughts about their behavior? Just give that a think for a sec, right? Let me repeat it. What if the feeling of being disrespected has absolutely nothing to do with their behavior and everything to do with your thoughts about that behavior?
Kelle: Yeah, what if respect isn't something other people give you or take away from you, but it's something that you give yourself?
Nina: Wait, what? Right? Mind blown yet? Because we're just getting started.
Kelle: Yeah, let's break this down because when you feel disrespected, what's really happening?
Nina: Someone does something, let's say they interrupt you. That's just a fact, a neutral event. Person A started talking while Person B was still talking.
Kelle: But then your brain adds meaning to that fact. They interrupted me because they don't value what I have to say. They think their ideas are more important than mine. They don't respect me.
Nina: We've all been there, right? It's like the other person isn't listening. They're waiting to respond, right?
Kelle: Right. And those thoughts, not the interruption itself, are what create the feeling of being disrespected.
Nina: Because here's what's fascinating. You could have completely different thoughts about the exact same interruption, right? They're excited about this topic. They're passionate. They probably didn't even realize they interrupted me.
Kelle: Or even, wow, they are on one today. They can't even slow down and listen right now. I wonder what that's about. I wonder what's going on with them, right? So bringing in some of that curiosity for a sec.
Nina: Yeah, same behavior, different thoughts, completely different emotional experience, especially when we tap into some curiosity. Now, we're not excusing this behavior, not telling you have to like it, but we want to try to understand versus judge, right, Kelle? Instead of going into fight, flight, freeze, fawn, right? We want to shift into our executive functioning and even into like rest and digest, and see what's really going on here.
Kelle: Yeah, when you understand your own nervous system tendencies and you can develop this kind of self-awareness by working with a coach, coaches like us, you can take a pretty solid guess when other people are dysregulated and respond to their dysregulation, not their words.
Nina: Yeah. Now, we're not victim blaming or telling you just to accept bad behavior here, right? That's not what we're saying. We're saying that when you understand that your feelings come from your thoughts, not from other people's actions, you get your power back.
Kelle: Yeah, instead of being at the mercy of everyone else's behavior, you get to choose how you want to experience any situation, how you want to respond, and show up.
Nina: Yeah, you get to decide what you want to make their behavior mean about them, about you, and about the relationship.
Kelle: And that is true empowerment.
Nina: Yeah, so let's talk about why this matters so much for ambitious women specifically, right? For all of our listeners.
Kelle: Yeah, here's what we see all the time. Brilliant, capable women spending hours processing how disrespected they felt in various situations, how unheard they felt.
Nina: Yeah, analyzing what the other person meant, what they should have said instead, what they're going to say next time, how they're never going to let that happen again.
Kelle: And listen, all this mental energy going towards something that's already over and can't be changed. Oh man, it's just such a drain, right?
Nina: Yeah. Instead of going toward what you want to create, what you want to build, what you want to accomplish, right?
Kelle: Yeah, your attention is your most valuable resource, and feeling disrespected is one of the biggest attention thieves out there.
Nina: Plus, here's something else we want to point out. The people you feel most disrespected by are usually the people whose opinions matter a lot to you, maybe even the most to you, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you don't feel disrespected by random strangers because you don't care what they think, right? You don't carry those interactions with you day after day, ruminating about them, right? You feel disrespected by your boss, or your partner, or your family, or the people close to you.
Nina: Which means that feeling disrespected is actually a sign that you're outsourcing your sense of worth to other people.
Kelle: You're making their behavior mean something about your value instead of something about their behavior.
Nina: And that, Rockstar, is giving your power away.
Kelle: All right, so let's get practical about this. What does it look like to make feeling disrespected optional?
Nina: Yeah, let's do this. First, you start paying attention to the story you're telling yourself about other people's behavior.
Kelle: Yeah, instead of they're being disrespectful, you ask, what am I making this mean about me? What am I making this mean about them?
Nina: Yeah, right? And then second, you practice separating the facts from your stories and interpretations, right?
Kelle: The fact is they interrupted me. The interpretation is they don't respect me. The fact is they don't acknowledge my contribution. The interpretation, they don't value my work.
Nina: Right? Sound familiar? Okay, so third, you get curious about alternative interpretations, right? Other thoughts, other beliefs.
Kelle: Yeah, so what else could this behavior mean? What if it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with what's going on with them, which really is the case most of the time, right?
Nina: Most of the time. Yeah, we just have to tap into that curiosity to get there, right? So fourth, you decide what you want to make it mean based on what serves you best.
Kelle: Okay, not what's true or quote unquote “right,” but what interpretation is going to help you feel more empowered and take effective action.
Nina: Now here's where people usually get confused and think we're saying you should just accept everything and never set boundaries, right?
Kelle: No. No, that is not what we're saying at all. Nope.
Nina: No, you can choose not to feel disrespected and still address behavior you don't want to continue.
Kelle: Yeah, you can have conversations about what you need. You can set boundaries. You can make different choices about who you spend time with.
Nina: But you can do all of that from a place of power instead of from a place of victimhood, from a regulated nervous system, for sure. We do not set boundaries or communicate unmet needs from a dysregulated state. Period.
Kelle: Yes. And this is a good time, Nina, to let everyone know that we have a new No BS Boundaries Playbook that we can share with everybody. We're going to drop a link in the show notes for that. So, just wanted to let you know, look in the show notes for that No BS Boundaries Playbook, okay? And listen, when you're not busy feeling disrespected, you can think more clearly about what you actually want to do about the situation.
Nina: Yeah, let's talk some examples here, right? Like what this might look like in real life.
Kelle: Okay. So example one, your boss doesn't have your back when you make a mistake and you overhear them talking to other team members about it.
Nina: Oof, old response, feel disrespected and betrayed, right? Spend the rest of the day fuming, complain to your partner about how unfair it is when you get home, right? Totally displaced the family dinner, how your boss is turning everyone against you, lose sleep thinking about what you should do, right? It goes on and on.
Kelle: So that's just your brain braining. So the new response is notice that your boss has opinions about your mistake. Decide what you want to make that mean. Maybe they are unsure what to do about it. Maybe they're insecure. Maybe they're getting pressure from other stakeholders and don't know how to manage their own stress and overwhelm.
Nina: Yeah, and from there, decide what action you want to take. Maybe you set up a time to talk with them. Maybe you send a follow-up email mapping out how you'll handle the mistake differently next time. Maybe you have a conversation with your boss about trust on your team and what trust looks and feels like to all of you.
Kelle: But you do it all from a place of strategy, not emotion. A regulated nervous system, not FFFF. Which could mean lots of different things, F or it could mean fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
Nina: All right, here's another example. Your friend shows up 30 minutes late to your dinner without calling.
Kelle: So an old response might feel disrespected, thinking about how they obviously don't value your time, be annoyed for the entire dinner, maybe bring it up passively aggressively.
Nina: Don't we love passive aggression? Yes. No, no. The new response is, you know, let's notice they're late. Decide what you want to make it mean. Maybe they're terrible at time management. Maybe something came up. Maybe this friendship isn't as much of a priority for them.
Kelle: Yeah, I mean, time management is really a problem here in Park City. I'm just saying. It's on Park City time. And then you decide what you want to do about it. Maybe you have a direct conversation about timeliness. Maybe you adjust your expectations for this friend. Maybe you decide this isn't someone you want to make plans with.
Nina: But again, you do it from choice, not from feeling victimized. Regulation, not dysregulation, right?
Kelle: Yeah, the key difference is that you're responding from your prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of your brain, instead of from your limbic system, the emotional reactive part.
Nina: And when you're thinking clearly, instead of feeling disrespected, you make much better decisions.
Kelle: Yeah. Now, let's address the big objection we know some of you are having right now.
Nina: But Nina and Kelle, some things really are disrespectful. Some behavior really is unacceptable.
Kelle: All right, we are not disagreeing with that, just to be clear. We're not saying all behavior is okay and that you should never have standards.
Nina: No. We're saying that whether you feel disrespected by that behavior is still optional.
Kelle: Yeah, you can recognize that someone's behavior is problematic without taking it personally.
Nina: You can address unacceptable behavior without making it mean something about your worth.
Kelle: You can have high standards for how you want to be treated without outsourcing your emotional state to other people's actions.
Nina: In fact, when you're not caught up in feeling disrespected, you're way more effective at actually changing the situation. And I have to call this out because we had a whole podcast episode about this, episode 39 when I talked about my divorce. This is gold, right? It's total gold. Go back and listen to it.
Kelle: Yes. Oh, that was such a good one. Because, listen, you're not operating from emotion, you're operating from clarity.
Nina: Ugh. Let's talk about what changes when you make feeling disrespected totally optional.
Kelle: First, you get so much mental energy back. Instead of spending hours processing how wronged you were, you can focus on what you want to create.
Nina: Yeah. Second, your relationships improve. When you're not constantly looking for signs of disrespect, you can actually enjoy the people in your life.
Kelle: Mhm. And third, you become more influential. People respond better to someone who's calm and clear than someone who's defensive and emotional and off the rails.
Nina: Right? Yeah. Fourth, you become more resilient. When your emotional state isn't dependent on other people's behavior, you become kind of unshakable. It's kind of rad.
Kelle: I love that word. And fifth, you model something powerful for everyone around you. You show them what it looks like to be secure in your own worth.
Nina: All right. This is so bad us. Let's get into your homework because we're not just here to give you information, right? Let's give you some steps here to play with.
Kelle: Okay. So for this next week, we want you to practice catching yourself when you feel disrespected.
Nina: Yeah, don't try to change the feeling yet. Just notice it. Don't judge yourself. Just notice what story you're telling yourself about what happened.
Kelle: Yeah, ask yourself, what am I making this mean about me? What am I making this mean about them?
Nina: Then get curious, what else could this mean? What interpretation would serve me better? Like, what exactly is clear here, right?
Kelle: Yes. Yes. And then you have a choice. Choose the interpretation that empowers you to take effective action.
Nina: Yeah, and remember, you're not trying to convince yourself that bad behavior is good here, Rockstars. That's not what we're doing here. You're just choosing not to take it personally.
Kelle: Yeah, because when you stop taking other people's behavior personally, you get your life back.
Nina: You get your power back. You get your peace back. You get your mental energy back. You get yourself back.
Kelle: Yeah, and you get to use all of that to create something amazing instead of just processing how wronged you feel.
Nina: Yeah, this isn't about becoming a doormat, right? This is about becoming unstoppable.
Kelle: Because when your emotional state isn't dependent on how other people treat you, you become dangerous to every system that profits from keeping you reactive and defensive.
Nina: Yeah, you become someone who can't be thrown off their game by other people's dysfunction.
Kelle: You become someone who responds from strategy instead of emotion.
Nina: Ugh. That is gold. That is true power.
Kelle: So, stop giving other people the remote control to your emotional state, Rockstar.
Nina: Yeah, take it back. Feeling disrespected is optional, and you get to choose something better.
Kelle: Ugh, so good. Until next time, practice standing tall in your worth.
Nina: Thanks for being here. See you next time.
Kelle: Yeah, we'll see you next time. Thank you.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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