68. Self-Confidence Isn’t a Vibe—It’s a Skill
Have you ever looked confident on the outside while quietly second-guessing everything on the inside? So many ambitious women are stuck in that loop—doing all the right things, collecting accomplishments, and still wondering why they don’t feel more secure. In this episode, we’re getting into the kind of self-confidence that isn’t tied to your resume, your performance, or anyone else’s opinion of you.
We talk about why “fake it ’til you make it” doesn’t hold up under pressure, how perfectionism disguises itself as high standards, and why chasing confidence through past success keeps you playing small. You’ll learn how your nervous system plays into all of this and how understanding the real source of your emotions lets you lead with courage instead of fear.
We also share the self-confidence triad: our three-part framework for building lasting, grounded confidence from the inside out. If you’ve ever held back, played small, or waited for proof before taking action, this conversation will help you create confidence on purpose—no permission slip required.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
The massive difference between confidence and self-confidence (and why understanding this changes everything).
How to develop the three components of the self-confidence triad that create unshakable belief in yourself.
Why your feelings are always created by your thinking, not your circumstances.
The way “nervous-cited” energy can transform into pure fuel for bold action.
How to fail your way to success instead of playing it safe and small.
Why being willing to feel any emotion makes you unstoppable.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Nina: There's a C-word women aren't supposed to say out loud, right, Kelle?
Kelle: No. Nope, not that one. Though we're not afraid of that one either.
Nina: We're talking about confidence. And yeah, it's just as loaded.
Kelle: Mmm, because when a woman owns her confidence, she's arrogant, bossy, a little too much, right?
Nina: But if she plays it small, she's invisible. And we've had enough of that BS.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Exactly. Today, we're flipping the script on confidence: what it is, what it isn't, and why self-confidence is your most game-changing power move.
Nina: If you've ever felt like you're too loud, too quiet, too confident, or not confident enough, this one's for you.
Kelle: Yeah, we're dismantling that exhausting double standard right here.
Nina: And we're calling out the lie that confidence comes from your resume, your performance, or what other people think about you.
Kelle: Because real self-confidence is disruptive, people.
Nina: It's the kind of energy that makes you unstoppable. Not because you've done it all before, but because you trust yourself even when you've never done the thing at all.
Kelle: So, if you're tired of playing small, second-guessing yourself, and faking it 'til you make it for the sake of looking put together…
Nina: Then this episode is your permission slip to burn that whole script down.
Kelle: Yes, let's get into it. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And today we're talking about that C-word.
Kelle: Yeah, and before your mind goes there, we're talking about confidence, self-confidence to be exact.
Nina: Which, let's be honest, can feel just as taboo to talk about sometimes because we've been conditioned to think that standing in our own power and being confident is somehow wrong.
Kelle: Well, it's confusing, right? Like, you can't be too confident or you're a bitch. But not confident enough, or you're a pushover, right? So, there's like this magic, elusive sweet spot we all need to find to be confident, but not too confident.
Nina: Oh my god, that sounds exhausting and hard. Like, a hard that I don't want to deal with, right? So we default to being friendly, sweet, polite, and kind, right? Can we all relate here? Well, we're about to challenge all of that today, rockstars. If I asked you right now to rate your self-confidence on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you say? And more importantly, how did you come up with that number? Did you immediately look to your accomplishments? Your past failures? What your boss said about you last week?
Kelle: Okay, unpopular opinion here. That's complete garbage. No one is born self-confident, but everyone can have it. And it has absolutely nothing to do with your resume or how many gold stars you've collected. We could write a whole book dismantling all of the confidence myths you've been sold, and maybe we will. But today, we're getting foundational. We're sharing our self-confidence triad because this is where your revolution begins.
Nina: Before we blow your mind, let's destroy the biggest lie first, right? There's a massive difference between confidence and self-confidence. And understanding this difference is going to change everything.
Kelle: Yeah, confidence is what society taught you to chase. It's based on your past experiences, your track record, what others have told you about your abilities. It's, "I've given presentations 50 times, so I'm confident I can do it again."
Nina: But self-confidence, that's the dangerous stuff. That's your ability to believe in yourself without any evidence. It's believing in your capabilities even when you've never done the thing before, even when everyone else thinks you might be a little crazy.
Kelle: And that, rockstar, is why self-confidence is the emotion that threatens every system designed to keep you small. It's what propels you past your limitations and into the life you actually want.
Nina: Because here's what happens when you only rely on confidence: you stay stuck doing things you've already proven you can do, right? You play it safe. You stay in your lane. You don't threaten anyone.
Kelle: But when you have self-confidence, you become a little dangerous to every person and system that benefits from your self-doubt. You start going after things that scare them.
Nina: So let's talk about what self-confidence isn't, okay? Because you've been sold some serious lies about this.
Kelle: Yeah, it's not fake it 'til you make it. It's not positive thinking your way out of real challenges. And it's definitely not those surface-level tips and tricks and hacks your well-meaning friends give you, right?
Nina: Yeah, just do it. Chin up. Make more eye contact. If you Google how to be more self-confident, you'll get a list of band-aid solutions that completely miss the point.
Kelle: Yes, but here's what those tips are really doing. They're asking you to perform confidence while the nervous system is still running that same scared, small programming underneath.
Nina: Yeah, it's like fake confidence, right? It's like putting cover-up on a skinned knee. You might look better on the surface, but you're still fundamentally wounded. And people can sense that inauthenticity from a mile away, right? We've all been there.
Kelle: Yeah, and we've been to that party where we don't know anyone, felt this social anxiety kick in, and thought, okay, I'm just going to smile and pretend I'm having fun, grab a drink, maybe hide in the bathroom. And listen, how is that working for you?
Nina: Yeah, spoiler alert, it's not. So let's get into what self-confidence actually is and why it's the most radical thing you can develop in a world that profits from your insecurity.
Kelle: Okay, self-confidence is a skill you can learn. You can cultivate self-confidence, not by performing different actions, but by fundamentally changing how you feel and think about yourself.
Nina: Yeah, here's an example, right? Someone says, "I'm confident in my job, so I offered to speak in front of 500 people at the next company meeting."
Kelle: Most people think that confidence is the action, so offering to speak. But we need to get clear on something. The feeling of confidence drives the action, not the other way around.
Nina: Yeah, if you've ever taken action from insecurity versus taking action from confidence, you know those actions look completely different.
Kelle: When you're not actually feeling confident, you might still force yourself to volunteer for that presentation, but you're going to do it showing up scattered and apologetic and ready to bail at the first sign of trouble.
Nina: But when you feel confident, you show up completely differently, right? You're present. You're powerful. You're unshakable even if you trip on stage or over your words. And you have your own back, knowing you might make mistakes. It's not a big deal. You're human, right?
Kelle: Yes. Yes. So it starts with a feeling. And here's what's going to blow your mind. Your feelings are always created by your thinking, not your circumstances. It's the one simple truth of our coaching practice: your thoughts create your feelings.
Nina: Yeah, this is huge for self-confidence. When you realize that nervousness isn't coming from having to speak on stage, but from the thought, "I'm going to mess up and everyone will see I'm a fraud. Everyone's going to judge me," right? This is the game-changer.
Kelle: Okay, because then you get to choose what to do with that nervousness. You're not a victim of your emotions anymore. You're the CEO of your own experience.
Nina: Yeah, and the goal isn't to never feel nervous again, right? That's that toxic positivity garbage, right, Kelle? The goal is to have awareness that you are creating the nervousness, unwittingly, maybe. But that means you have the power to work with it instead of being hijacked by it.
Kelle: Yeah, and this is something that we have to work with people on, right? Because we've always been taught that circumstances cause our feelings. And it really is checking that. Okay, I just wanted to double underline highlight that part. Now, let's talk about why so many ambitious women struggle with self-confidence because listen, it's not your fault and it's not an accident.
Nina: Yeah, first of all here, you were systematically taught not to feel your feelings. All right, rockstars, we all were. Our society values productivity and getting stuff done above everything else. So feelings are treated like inconvenient obstacles to push through, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, from day one, you learned that emotions make you difficult. When little Sally falls down, what do we say? "Don't cry. It's okay. You're all right." We're literally training her to disconnect from her internal guidance system. What?
Nina: Yeah. Well, and remember too here, right? Humans are herd animals. When we lived in tribes, hunting and gathering, showing too much emotion made us vulnerable to the tribe. We risked rejection and our own survival within the tribe if we couldn't be stoic, right? So while it makes sense from a societal perspective and a brain science perspective that we've learned to hide our emotions, it no longer serves us. It actually does more harm than good in the world we live in today.
Kelle: Yeah. We can learn, and a killer coach can show you how to feel and allow emotion in a safe way, to unlearn the way of being that is definitely holding you back, rockstars.
Nina: Yeah. Okay, so second, you're operating on autopilot, right? You're so busy being productive and people-pleasing that you don't even realize you have feelings half the time.
Kelle: Ugh, this is so true. We spend so much time in our heads, looping on the same thoughts and the same stories day after day. And we completely get detached from our bodies, which is where all of our emotion lives.
Nina: And when we're in our heads, we're not in the present moment. Think about that for a second. Our bodies are always in the present moment, but we rarely spend time there. Autopilot makes that impossible.
Kelle: So true. And third, and this is a big one, you've been programmed to think you need to change your circumstances to feel different. But listen, that's backwards because it keeps you trapped.
Nina: Yeah, how many times have you tried to change something outside of you thinking that would make you feel confident, right? New job, new relationship, new city, new outfit. Raising my hand.
Kelle: Um, hello.
Nina: Hello. I just need a new, you know, pair of shoes and I'll be so confident.
Kelle: Right?
Nina: So funny. Oh my God.
Kelle:Yes. It's so true. I mean, momentarily, yes.
Nina: Yes. But long run, right?
Kelle: No, yeah. And then you get there and you realize you brought all the same insecurities with you because the problem was never your circumstances. It wasn't that you put on a cashmere sweater instead of polyester, people, right? The problem was what you were thinking about yourself.
Nina: Yeah, let's paint you a picture here. You're going to a party where you only know the host, right? If you're running insecure programming, you're thinking, "I'm just going to pop in and say hi. I won't stay long. I don't have anything interesting to say. Everyone here is cooler than me. They won't miss me." Right?
Kelle: Yeah, you'll spend the whole time in your head judging people and feeling judged, counting the minutes until you can escape, and you'll blame it on not knowing anyone.
Nina: But if you show up with a little bit more self-confidence, right? Just a little bit. Same exact party. You might think things like, "Huh, I'm kind of excited to maybe meet new people," right? This could be fun. I'm so curious who will be there and what we might have in common.
Kelle: Yes. And when you do that, it's a completely different experience. So, same circumstances, right? The only thing that's changed was what was happening in your mind.
Nina: This is why we don't need to change our circumstances to feel differently, right? We need to change our thoughts. And that's work only you can do, rockstars.
Kelle: Yeah, so let's get real about how these different feelings show up in your life. When you feel self-doubt and insecurity, how do you act? How do you show up?
Nina: Yeah, I'm going to guess you don't act at all. You hide. Right? We all do it. We all hide. Netflix becomes a new BFF. Netflix becomes your friend. Wine becomes your coping mechanism. Instagram scrolling becomes your escape route. Or maybe you just stay in the corner, hang by yourself.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Or you shop, right? Online shop. You constantly worry about what other people think. You question every decision. You judge others to make yourself feel better. I mean, hello, we've all done that, right? Make excuses for why you can't go after what you want.
Nina: But when you're feeling self-confident, you become dangerous to the status quo. Self-confidence is pure fuel for the kind of action that changes everything.
Kelle: It doesn't have to be a huge, dramatic action. It can be introducing yourself to someone at a networking event instead of hiding in the corner. Or hosting that dinner party instead of waiting to be invited. Or going for the promotion instead of hoping someone notices your hard work.
Nina: You start setting goals that scare other people. You fail forward instead of playing it safe. You become more creative, more spontaneous, and more alive.
Kelle: And you stop waiting for life to happen to you and start making life happen for you. And that shift, it threatens every person and system that was comfortable with you staying small.
Nina: So true, and so killer. So now, let's get into our self-confidence triad, the three components that create this unshakable self-confidence that we're talking about here. Okay, everyone? This is where we get tactical about becoming the version of you that might make other people feel a little uncomfortable.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Okay, so component number one, your willingness and capacity to feel any emotion.
Nina: This is where we separate the trailblazers from the people-pleasers, okay? And we've all been there. This is a big part of what we do with clients. Most people spend their entire lives trying to avoid negative emotions. But here's what we know. The worst thing that can ever happen to you is a feeling.
Kelle: Think about it. Humiliation, rejection, failure, embarrassment. They're all just emotions, temporary energy moving through your body. I mean, really, that's it.
Nina: But you've been programmed to think negative emotions like these mean something has gone terribly wrong. And that's a lie designed to keep you playing small and safe.
Kelle: When you're willing to feel anything, when you're willing to embrace the possibility of humiliation or terror or failure, you become unstoppable because there's literally nothing left to be afraid of.
Nina: Let's say you want to speak in front of 500 people for the first time, okay? Regular confidence would require you to have done it before. But self-confidence, that's saying, "I might bomb spectacularly. I might forget everything. I might feel mortified. And I'm going to do it anyway."
Kelle: Because you know that confident people aren't people who never feel negative emotions, right? They're people who feel negative emotions without making them mean they should stop pursuing what they want.
Nina: Yeah. Okay, so component number two of the self-confidence triad is your ability to trust yourself and have your own back.
Kelle: Okay, this is radical in a world that taught you to look outside of yourself for validation and approval. Self-confidence means you are your own source of support, no matter what happens.
Nina: Yeah, when you mess up, and you will, you don't tear yourself apart. You don't attack yourself, right? When you fail, and you will, you don't make it mean you're not capable. And when you get rejected, and you will, you don't make it mean you're not worthy.
Kelle: Yeah, you go all in on your dreams because you trust yourself to handle whatever comes up. You trust yourself to feel the disappointment if it doesn't work out. And you trust yourself to learn from the experience and try again.
Nina: Yeah, most people don't take bold action because they don't trust themselves to handle the emotional consequences. But when you know you've got your own back, no matter what, game over. You become sort of fearless.
Kelle: Okay, this is so good. On to the third. The third component, your ability to manage your thoughts about yourself.
Nina: This is where the real work happens. If you're about to do something that requires self-confidence, but you're telling yourself, "You're not qualified. You don't know enough. You're too old or too young. You're not experienced enough." You're sabotaging yourself before you even start.
Kelle: Your thoughts about yourself either fuel your confidence or destroy it. There's no middle ground here.
Nina: Okay, but here's something beautiful. When you learn to manage your thoughts about yourself, even nervousness transforms. Nervousness is just excitement without breathing, right? I think one of our coaches inspired that, right?
Kelle: Yes. Yes.
Nina: Isn't it Brooke? Like nervousness is just excitement without proper breathing. So breathe into it, and it becomes pure energy you can use.
Kelle: Yeah, do you remember that client years ago that used to call it nervous-cited?
Nina: Yes. Yes.
Kelle: Okay, let me be crystal clear, though, about something. Self-confidence does not mean you feel amazing all the time. You never make mistakes or never experience failure.
Nina: Yeah, that's perfectionist garbage, right? And perfectionism is just fear wearing a fancy outfit. Are we right? Real confidence, real self-confidence, means you're willing to feel like garbage sometimes, make mistakes publicly, and fail forward spectacularly.
Kelle: We make tons of mistakes in our business and personal lives, right? So many. Because we're willing to fail our way to success. Because the alternative, playing it safe and small, is not an option.
Nina: So let us ask you again. Where are you really on the self-confidence scale? Not where you think you should be, but where you actually are right now on a scale of 1 to 10.
Kelle: Right. How willing are you to feel uncomfortable emotions? Do you actually trust yourself when things get hard? And how often do you tear yourself down with your own thoughts?
Nina: Yeah, here's an exercise that will change your life. Think of an emotion you typically avoid that's getting in the way of what you want most.
Kelle: All right, for me, it used to be the fear of being judged. I was so afraid people would think I was too much, too intense, too opinionated. But that fear was keeping me from speaking my truth and connecting with the people who needed to hear my message, right? So, I had to practice feeling that fear of judgment, allowing it to be there, and taking the action anyway. And listen, you know what happened? That judgment, it didn't kill me. In fact, most of it was just in my head.
Nina: Yeah, right? So, choose your avoided emotion and practice allowing it, practice feeling it. When we say allow an emotion, it just means allow yourself to feel it, to feel an emotion. When you do this consistently, your capacity to feel emotions will skyrocket. You'll fail forward like a champion, and your self-confidence will become more and more unshakable.
Okay, and here's one last thing that's going to blow your mind about building self-confidence. Everything you learned about success growing up is backwards.
Kelle: Yeah, in school, you learned by succeeding. Get the answer right, get an A, and repeat. But in real life, especially if you're building something meaningful and you've never done it before, right? You learn by failing.
Nina: Imagine if school celebrated your F's because they meant you were pushing yourself, trying new things, and growing. Your F would mean you're doing it right.
Kelle: But instead, we make failure mean that we're not smart enough, we're not good enough, we're not capable enough. And those beliefs keep us playing it safe for the rest of our lives. Ugh.
Nina: Yeah, so what if failure just meant you're learning? What if it meant you don't understand something yet, and you need to try a different approach?
Kelle: Building self-confidence requires you to fail your way to success. And that takes massive courage in a world that punishes anything less than perfection.
Nina: Yeah. Okay, rockstar, let's recap because this is foundational work that changes everything. Self-confidence is a skill you can develop. It's your willingness to feel any emotion, your ability to trust yourself completely, and your ability to manage your thoughts about yourself.
Kelle: Yeah, this isn't about positive thinking or fake it 'til you make it. This is about becoming the kind of person who trusts themselves so completely that external circumstances, they can't be shaked. Can't shake them.
Nina: When you master these three components, you become dangerous to every system that profits from your self-doubt. You stop asking for permission and start taking what's yours.
Kelle: Yeah, remember, Rockstar, your self-confidence isn't something you need to earn or prove. It's something you choose to cultivate because you refuse to live a small life to make others comfortable.
Kelle: Yeah, thanks so much for being here.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Kelle: No. Nope, not that one. Though we're not afraid of that one either.
Nina: We're talking about confidence. And yeah, it's just as loaded.
Kelle: Mmm, because when a woman owns her confidence, she's arrogant, bossy, a little too much, right?
Nina: But if she plays it small, she's invisible. And we've had enough of that BS.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Exactly. Today, we're flipping the script on confidence: what it is, what it isn't, and why self-confidence is your most game-changing power move.
Nina: If you've ever felt like you're too loud, too quiet, too confident, or not confident enough, this one's for you.
Kelle: Yeah, we're dismantling that exhausting double standard right here.
Nina: And we're calling out the lie that confidence comes from your resume, your performance, or what other people think about you.
Kelle: Because real self-confidence is disruptive, people.
Nina: It's the kind of energy that makes you unstoppable. Not because you've done it all before, but because you trust yourself even when you've never done the thing at all.
Kelle: So, if you're tired of playing small, second-guessing yourself, and faking it 'til you make it for the sake of looking put together…
Nina: Then this episode is your permission slip to burn that whole script down.
Kelle: Yes, let's get into it. This is Ambitious-Ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And today we're talking about that C-word.
Kelle: Yeah, and before your mind goes there, we're talking about confidence, self-confidence to be exact.
Nina: Which, let's be honest, can feel just as taboo to talk about sometimes because we've been conditioned to think that standing in our own power and being confident is somehow wrong.
Kelle: Well, it's confusing, right? Like, you can't be too confident or you're a bitch. But not confident enough, or you're a pushover, right? So, there's like this magic, elusive sweet spot we all need to find to be confident, but not too confident.
Nina: Oh my god, that sounds exhausting and hard. Like, a hard that I don't want to deal with, right? So we default to being friendly, sweet, polite, and kind, right? Can we all relate here? Well, we're about to challenge all of that today, rockstars. If I asked you right now to rate your self-confidence on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you say? And more importantly, how did you come up with that number? Did you immediately look to your accomplishments? Your past failures? What your boss said about you last week?
Kelle: Okay, unpopular opinion here. That's complete garbage. No one is born self-confident, but everyone can have it. And it has absolutely nothing to do with your resume or how many gold stars you've collected. We could write a whole book dismantling all of the confidence myths you've been sold, and maybe we will. But today, we're getting foundational. We're sharing our self-confidence triad because this is where your revolution begins.
Nina: Before we blow your mind, let's destroy the biggest lie first, right? There's a massive difference between confidence and self-confidence. And understanding this difference is going to change everything.
Kelle: Yeah, confidence is what society taught you to chase. It's based on your past experiences, your track record, what others have told you about your abilities. It's, "I've given presentations 50 times, so I'm confident I can do it again."
Nina: But self-confidence, that's the dangerous stuff. That's your ability to believe in yourself without any evidence. It's believing in your capabilities even when you've never done the thing before, even when everyone else thinks you might be a little crazy.
Kelle: And that, rockstar, is why self-confidence is the emotion that threatens every system designed to keep you small. It's what propels you past your limitations and into the life you actually want.
Nina: Because here's what happens when you only rely on confidence: you stay stuck doing things you've already proven you can do, right? You play it safe. You stay in your lane. You don't threaten anyone.
Kelle: But when you have self-confidence, you become a little dangerous to every person and system that benefits from your self-doubt. You start going after things that scare them.
Nina: So let's talk about what self-confidence isn't, okay? Because you've been sold some serious lies about this.
Kelle: Yeah, it's not fake it 'til you make it. It's not positive thinking your way out of real challenges. And it's definitely not those surface-level tips and tricks and hacks your well-meaning friends give you, right?
Nina: Yeah, just do it. Chin up. Make more eye contact. If you Google how to be more self-confident, you'll get a list of band-aid solutions that completely miss the point.
Kelle: Yes, but here's what those tips are really doing. They're asking you to perform confidence while the nervous system is still running that same scared, small programming underneath.
Nina: Yeah, it's like fake confidence, right? It's like putting cover-up on a skinned knee. You might look better on the surface, but you're still fundamentally wounded. And people can sense that inauthenticity from a mile away, right? We've all been there.
Kelle: Yeah, and we've been to that party where we don't know anyone, felt this social anxiety kick in, and thought, okay, I'm just going to smile and pretend I'm having fun, grab a drink, maybe hide in the bathroom. And listen, how is that working for you?
Nina: Yeah, spoiler alert, it's not. So let's get into what self-confidence actually is and why it's the most radical thing you can develop in a world that profits from your insecurity.
Kelle: Okay, self-confidence is a skill you can learn. You can cultivate self-confidence, not by performing different actions, but by fundamentally changing how you feel and think about yourself.
Nina: Yeah, here's an example, right? Someone says, "I'm confident in my job, so I offered to speak in front of 500 people at the next company meeting."
Kelle: Most people think that confidence is the action, so offering to speak. But we need to get clear on something. The feeling of confidence drives the action, not the other way around.
Nina: Yeah, if you've ever taken action from insecurity versus taking action from confidence, you know those actions look completely different.
Kelle: When you're not actually feeling confident, you might still force yourself to volunteer for that presentation, but you're going to do it showing up scattered and apologetic and ready to bail at the first sign of trouble.
Nina: But when you feel confident, you show up completely differently, right? You're present. You're powerful. You're unshakable even if you trip on stage or over your words. And you have your own back, knowing you might make mistakes. It's not a big deal. You're human, right?
Kelle: Yes. Yes. So it starts with a feeling. And here's what's going to blow your mind. Your feelings are always created by your thinking, not your circumstances. It's the one simple truth of our coaching practice: your thoughts create your feelings.
Nina: Yeah, this is huge for self-confidence. When you realize that nervousness isn't coming from having to speak on stage, but from the thought, "I'm going to mess up and everyone will see I'm a fraud. Everyone's going to judge me," right? This is the game-changer.
Kelle: Okay, because then you get to choose what to do with that nervousness. You're not a victim of your emotions anymore. You're the CEO of your own experience.
Nina: Yeah, and the goal isn't to never feel nervous again, right? That's that toxic positivity garbage, right, Kelle? The goal is to have awareness that you are creating the nervousness, unwittingly, maybe. But that means you have the power to work with it instead of being hijacked by it.
Kelle: Yeah, and this is something that we have to work with people on, right? Because we've always been taught that circumstances cause our feelings. And it really is checking that. Okay, I just wanted to double underline highlight that part. Now, let's talk about why so many ambitious women struggle with self-confidence because listen, it's not your fault and it's not an accident.
Nina: Yeah, first of all here, you were systematically taught not to feel your feelings. All right, rockstars, we all were. Our society values productivity and getting stuff done above everything else. So feelings are treated like inconvenient obstacles to push through, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, from day one, you learned that emotions make you difficult. When little Sally falls down, what do we say? "Don't cry. It's okay. You're all right." We're literally training her to disconnect from her internal guidance system. What?
Nina: Yeah. Well, and remember too here, right? Humans are herd animals. When we lived in tribes, hunting and gathering, showing too much emotion made us vulnerable to the tribe. We risked rejection and our own survival within the tribe if we couldn't be stoic, right? So while it makes sense from a societal perspective and a brain science perspective that we've learned to hide our emotions, it no longer serves us. It actually does more harm than good in the world we live in today.
Kelle: Yeah. We can learn, and a killer coach can show you how to feel and allow emotion in a safe way, to unlearn the way of being that is definitely holding you back, rockstars.
Nina: Yeah. Okay, so second, you're operating on autopilot, right? You're so busy being productive and people-pleasing that you don't even realize you have feelings half the time.
Kelle: Ugh, this is so true. We spend so much time in our heads, looping on the same thoughts and the same stories day after day. And we completely get detached from our bodies, which is where all of our emotion lives.
Nina: And when we're in our heads, we're not in the present moment. Think about that for a second. Our bodies are always in the present moment, but we rarely spend time there. Autopilot makes that impossible.
Kelle: So true. And third, and this is a big one, you've been programmed to think you need to change your circumstances to feel different. But listen, that's backwards because it keeps you trapped.
Nina: Yeah, how many times have you tried to change something outside of you thinking that would make you feel confident, right? New job, new relationship, new city, new outfit. Raising my hand.
Kelle: Um, hello.
Nina: Hello. I just need a new, you know, pair of shoes and I'll be so confident.
Kelle: Right?
Nina: So funny. Oh my God.
Kelle:Yes. It's so true. I mean, momentarily, yes.
Nina: Yes. But long run, right?
Kelle: No, yeah. And then you get there and you realize you brought all the same insecurities with you because the problem was never your circumstances. It wasn't that you put on a cashmere sweater instead of polyester, people, right? The problem was what you were thinking about yourself.
Nina: Yeah, let's paint you a picture here. You're going to a party where you only know the host, right? If you're running insecure programming, you're thinking, "I'm just going to pop in and say hi. I won't stay long. I don't have anything interesting to say. Everyone here is cooler than me. They won't miss me." Right?
Kelle: Yeah, you'll spend the whole time in your head judging people and feeling judged, counting the minutes until you can escape, and you'll blame it on not knowing anyone.
Nina: But if you show up with a little bit more self-confidence, right? Just a little bit. Same exact party. You might think things like, "Huh, I'm kind of excited to maybe meet new people," right? This could be fun. I'm so curious who will be there and what we might have in common.
Kelle: Yes. And when you do that, it's a completely different experience. So, same circumstances, right? The only thing that's changed was what was happening in your mind.
Nina: This is why we don't need to change our circumstances to feel differently, right? We need to change our thoughts. And that's work only you can do, rockstars.
Kelle: Yeah, so let's get real about how these different feelings show up in your life. When you feel self-doubt and insecurity, how do you act? How do you show up?
Nina: Yeah, I'm going to guess you don't act at all. You hide. Right? We all do it. We all hide. Netflix becomes a new BFF. Netflix becomes your friend. Wine becomes your coping mechanism. Instagram scrolling becomes your escape route. Or maybe you just stay in the corner, hang by yourself.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Or you shop, right? Online shop. You constantly worry about what other people think. You question every decision. You judge others to make yourself feel better. I mean, hello, we've all done that, right? Make excuses for why you can't go after what you want.
Nina: But when you're feeling self-confident, you become dangerous to the status quo. Self-confidence is pure fuel for the kind of action that changes everything.
Kelle: It doesn't have to be a huge, dramatic action. It can be introducing yourself to someone at a networking event instead of hiding in the corner. Or hosting that dinner party instead of waiting to be invited. Or going for the promotion instead of hoping someone notices your hard work.
Nina: You start setting goals that scare other people. You fail forward instead of playing it safe. You become more creative, more spontaneous, and more alive.
Kelle: And you stop waiting for life to happen to you and start making life happen for you. And that shift, it threatens every person and system that was comfortable with you staying small.
Nina: So true, and so killer. So now, let's get into our self-confidence triad, the three components that create this unshakable self-confidence that we're talking about here. Okay, everyone? This is where we get tactical about becoming the version of you that might make other people feel a little uncomfortable.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Okay, so component number one, your willingness and capacity to feel any emotion.
Nina: This is where we separate the trailblazers from the people-pleasers, okay? And we've all been there. This is a big part of what we do with clients. Most people spend their entire lives trying to avoid negative emotions. But here's what we know. The worst thing that can ever happen to you is a feeling.
Kelle: Think about it. Humiliation, rejection, failure, embarrassment. They're all just emotions, temporary energy moving through your body. I mean, really, that's it.
Nina: But you've been programmed to think negative emotions like these mean something has gone terribly wrong. And that's a lie designed to keep you playing small and safe.
Kelle: When you're willing to feel anything, when you're willing to embrace the possibility of humiliation or terror or failure, you become unstoppable because there's literally nothing left to be afraid of.
Nina: Let's say you want to speak in front of 500 people for the first time, okay? Regular confidence would require you to have done it before. But self-confidence, that's saying, "I might bomb spectacularly. I might forget everything. I might feel mortified. And I'm going to do it anyway."
Kelle: Because you know that confident people aren't people who never feel negative emotions, right? They're people who feel negative emotions without making them mean they should stop pursuing what they want.
Nina: Yeah. Okay, so component number two of the self-confidence triad is your ability to trust yourself and have your own back.
Kelle: Okay, this is radical in a world that taught you to look outside of yourself for validation and approval. Self-confidence means you are your own source of support, no matter what happens.
Nina: Yeah, when you mess up, and you will, you don't tear yourself apart. You don't attack yourself, right? When you fail, and you will, you don't make it mean you're not capable. And when you get rejected, and you will, you don't make it mean you're not worthy.
Kelle: Yeah, you go all in on your dreams because you trust yourself to handle whatever comes up. You trust yourself to feel the disappointment if it doesn't work out. And you trust yourself to learn from the experience and try again.
Nina: Yeah, most people don't take bold action because they don't trust themselves to handle the emotional consequences. But when you know you've got your own back, no matter what, game over. You become sort of fearless.
Kelle: Okay, this is so good. On to the third. The third component, your ability to manage your thoughts about yourself.
Nina: This is where the real work happens. If you're about to do something that requires self-confidence, but you're telling yourself, "You're not qualified. You don't know enough. You're too old or too young. You're not experienced enough." You're sabotaging yourself before you even start.
Kelle: Your thoughts about yourself either fuel your confidence or destroy it. There's no middle ground here.
Nina: Okay, but here's something beautiful. When you learn to manage your thoughts about yourself, even nervousness transforms. Nervousness is just excitement without breathing, right? I think one of our coaches inspired that, right?
Kelle: Yes. Yes.
Nina: Isn't it Brooke? Like nervousness is just excitement without proper breathing. So breathe into it, and it becomes pure energy you can use.
Kelle: Yeah, do you remember that client years ago that used to call it nervous-cited?
Nina: Yes. Yes.
Kelle: Okay, let me be crystal clear, though, about something. Self-confidence does not mean you feel amazing all the time. You never make mistakes or never experience failure.
Nina: Yeah, that's perfectionist garbage, right? And perfectionism is just fear wearing a fancy outfit. Are we right? Real confidence, real self-confidence, means you're willing to feel like garbage sometimes, make mistakes publicly, and fail forward spectacularly.
Kelle: We make tons of mistakes in our business and personal lives, right? So many. Because we're willing to fail our way to success. Because the alternative, playing it safe and small, is not an option.
Nina: So let us ask you again. Where are you really on the self-confidence scale? Not where you think you should be, but where you actually are right now on a scale of 1 to 10.
Kelle: Right. How willing are you to feel uncomfortable emotions? Do you actually trust yourself when things get hard? And how often do you tear yourself down with your own thoughts?
Nina: Yeah, here's an exercise that will change your life. Think of an emotion you typically avoid that's getting in the way of what you want most.
Kelle: All right, for me, it used to be the fear of being judged. I was so afraid people would think I was too much, too intense, too opinionated. But that fear was keeping me from speaking my truth and connecting with the people who needed to hear my message, right? So, I had to practice feeling that fear of judgment, allowing it to be there, and taking the action anyway. And listen, you know what happened? That judgment, it didn't kill me. In fact, most of it was just in my head.
Nina: Yeah, right? So, choose your avoided emotion and practice allowing it, practice feeling it. When we say allow an emotion, it just means allow yourself to feel it, to feel an emotion. When you do this consistently, your capacity to feel emotions will skyrocket. You'll fail forward like a champion, and your self-confidence will become more and more unshakable.
Okay, and here's one last thing that's going to blow your mind about building self-confidence. Everything you learned about success growing up is backwards.
Kelle: Yeah, in school, you learned by succeeding. Get the answer right, get an A, and repeat. But in real life, especially if you're building something meaningful and you've never done it before, right? You learn by failing.
Nina: Imagine if school celebrated your F's because they meant you were pushing yourself, trying new things, and growing. Your F would mean you're doing it right.
Kelle: But instead, we make failure mean that we're not smart enough, we're not good enough, we're not capable enough. And those beliefs keep us playing it safe for the rest of our lives. Ugh.
Nina: Yeah, so what if failure just meant you're learning? What if it meant you don't understand something yet, and you need to try a different approach?
Kelle: Building self-confidence requires you to fail your way to success. And that takes massive courage in a world that punishes anything less than perfection.
Nina: Yeah. Okay, rockstar, let's recap because this is foundational work that changes everything. Self-confidence is a skill you can develop. It's your willingness to feel any emotion, your ability to trust yourself completely, and your ability to manage your thoughts about yourself.
Kelle: Yeah, this isn't about positive thinking or fake it 'til you make it. This is about becoming the kind of person who trusts themselves so completely that external circumstances, they can't be shaked. Can't shake them.
Nina: When you master these three components, you become dangerous to every system that profits from your self-doubt. You stop asking for permission and start taking what's yours.
Kelle: Yeah, remember, Rockstar, your self-confidence isn't something you need to earn or prove. It's something you choose to cultivate because you refuse to live a small life to make others comfortable.
Kelle: Yeah, thanks so much for being here.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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