74. Why Doing What’s Right for You Feels So Wrong (And How To Do It Anyway)
Have you ever set a boundary and immediately felt like you were doing something wrong? In this episode, we dive into why doing what's right for you can feel so uncomfortable. When you say no, put yourself first, or prioritize your own needs, your body may flood with anxiety and guilt, even though you know it’s the healthiest choice. That discomfort isn’t a sign that you’re wrong—it’s your old programming fighting to stay alive.
We work with ambitious women every day who understand that boundaries are essential and self-care is necessary. But when it comes time to actually take action, the body rebels. We’ve been conditioned to believe our worth comes from self-sacrifice and putting others first. In this episode, we unpack why that conditioning makes choosing yourself so difficult, and why the discomfort you feel is actually a sign you’re healing, not being selfish.
Tune in as we share practical strategies for navigating that discomfort and setting boundaries, even when it feels impossible. You’ll learn how to recognize when guilt is just old programming dying, how to handle resistance from others who benefit from your self-sacrifice, and why choosing yourself is key to healing and personal growth.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why choosing yourself feels like committing a crime and what’s really happening in your nervous system.
How to recognize when guilt is old programming dying, not your moral compass.
The difference between being selfish and having healthy boundaries.
Why the people who benefit from your self-sacrifice may call you selfish when you start setting boundaries.
Practical strategies for choosing yourself, even when every fiber of your being says you’re wrong.
How to normalize the discomfort of breaking patterns without making it mean you’re doing something wrong.
What changes when you start valuing your needs as much as everyone else’s.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. And today we're talking about something that might explain why you feel guilty every time you choose yourself.
Kelle: Yeah, we're diving into why doing what's right for you feels so incredibly wrong, even when you know it's the right choice.
Nina: Yeah, because here's what we've noticed with literally every ambitious woman we work with. You can intellectually understand that setting boundaries is healthy, for example, that saying no is necessary, that putting yourself first sometimes is essential.
Kelle: But when you actually do those things, your body feels like you're committing a crime against humanity.
Nina: Yeah, today we're going to unpack why your nervous system freaks out when you choose yourself. Why that discomfort is actually evidence that you're breaking free from toxic programming and how to do what's right for you even when it feels terrible. Oh my gosh, Kelle, just talking about this, I can go back to so many circumstances in my life.
Kelle: Yes.
Nina: Like where this… So we'll we'll bring in some examples, some stories. Here we go. This is going to be a fun one.
Kelle: Just talking, just you saying that, my nervous system was like, "Eek." Yes.
Nina: Yeah.
Kelle: Right. Okay, so listeners, buckle up because we're about to challenge some deeply ingrained beliefs about what makes you a good person, like, quote unquote, “good person.”
Nina: Yeah, let's start with some truth-telling, like we do here. Think about the last time you did something that was genuinely right for you, but felt awful in the moment.
Kelle: Okay, wait, Nina, do you have an example of this?
Oh, yeah. I absolutely do. It was when I told my husband that we should get a divorce.
Kelle: Mm-hmm.
Nina: Yeah, I'll never forget it. I have never felt like I was going to fold over and die. I was completely gutted. I thought I was going to implode. Yeah.
Kelle: Yeah. Yep, telling the truth. Like, that's why so many of us avoid saying what we want to say, right? Yeah. So maybe you would have said no to a request that would have overwhelmed you, or maybe you left a party early because you were tired. Maybe you asked for what you needed instead of just hoping someone would figure it out.
Nina: Yeah, maybe you set a boundary with a family member. Maybe you chose not to take on extra work. It doesn't have to be telling your husband that you want a divorce, in my case, right? Maybe you spent money on something for yourself instead of everyone else, right? It can be these little smaller things too. Yeah.
Kelle: Yes. Yes. And even though you knew it was the right choice, your body probably felt terrible. And it might have felt guilty or anxious or selfish or even just wrong.
Nina: Yeah, here's what we want you to understand. That feeling isn't your moral compass telling you're being selfish. That feeling is your programming fighting for its life.
Kelle: Mm-hmm, because here's what's really happened. You were raised in a system that taught you your worth comes from how much you sacrifice for others. Oof.
Nina: Now, you learned that being “good,” quote unquote, means putting everyone else's needs before your own, that being nice means never inconveniencing anyone, and that being responsible means saying yes to everything. And I can totally relate here and in the example that I brought up. Yeah.
Kelle: Yes. Yeah. And that programming runs so deep that when you choose yourself, it literally feels like you're doing something morally wrong. And Nina, I always think of this example when my first child, it was a first birthday party, and she needed to be fed, but she didn't need to be fed right away. And I was starving, and I got some food, and I was eating. And then my husband said something about like, "Well, did you even feed the baby?" when I was eating. And I was really taken aback because I was like, "Dude, I need food too." But I felt like I was doing something wrong.
Nina: Like, morally, you were a bad mom.
Kelle: Like I was a terrible mom.
Nina: And you were a new mom. Yeah. God.
Kelle: Yeah. Totally.
Nina: Yeah. Here's the plot twist. That programming wasn't designed to make you a good person. It was designed to make you useful to other people, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Why wasn't he feeding the baby? That's what I want to know. Now that I've done this work, I'm like, "Wait a minute. Where were you, dude?"
Nina: Yeah, right.
Kelle: Okay. Yeah, that programming, really, it was designed to create someone who would always be available, always be accommodating, always be putting other people's comfort before your own well-being.
Nina: And the people who benefit from that programming, they've convinced you that choosing yourself is selfish, so you'll keep choosing them instead.
Kelle: Okay, let's talk about what this is actually looking like in real life because we know you're nodding along, but maybe you're thinking, but in my situation, it really is selfish.
Nina: Yeah, here's an example, right? You're exhausted and need to leave the family gathering early, right? But you stay because leaving would disappoint people.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. I even have an example, a recent example. I was really tired, and I had some family in town, and I had told them I was going to make dinner. You have these grand plans early in the day, like, I'm going to make some awesome dinner. And then as the day moves on, you're just like, okay, I'm so pooped. I don't really want to make dinner. And then they're all expecting me to make dinner. And I didn't want to disappoint them. So I made dinner even though I was really, really tired and didn't want to do it. And I could have just opted out of it, but I said I would. And I mean, listen, we do this stuff. Nina and I coach on this, and we still do catch ourselves doing this sometimes.
So it's crazy because what's really happening is we've all been taught that other people's disappointment is more important than our own well-being. So you've been programmed to believe that managing other people's emotions is your responsibility. Like if I didn't have a taco buffet set out for everybody, they were going to be disappointed in me for the rest of my lifetime.
Nina: Yeah. Yeah, right. And that's your responsibility. I'm sure, right? I mean, in retrospect, what are you sure of? Like, what do you know now looking back, right? Like, you totally could have just gotten takeout for everyone.
Kelle: For sure. For sure.
Nina: So funny. All right, here's another example, right? Like your friend asks you to help them with something important, but it was a weekend that you had planned for yourself. Something special, just you had a window just for yourself. And you say yes, even though you desperately, you were really looking forward to the downtime.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah, what's really happening, just like in my example, you have been taught that being helpful is more valuable than being rested. You learned that your needs are always negotiable, but other people's are sacred.
Nina: Here, here's one more example, right? You don't apply for the promotion, you don't go for it, you don't point it, because you don't want to seem too ambitious or make your colleagues feel threatened or bad, right?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah, what's really happening is you've been taught that your success threatens other people. So you should just make sure that you're smaller to keep everybody comfortable.
Nina: Oh my God. This actually happens a lot. I mean, we coach on this quite a bit. I mean, even in relationships, right, Kel? We, a lot of the women we work with don't want to emasculate their partner. And so they just play really small, keep it quiet, be polite, take care of everything quietly, avoid things. Yes. And so you're not alone here if you see yourself in any of this, okay? In every single one of these examples, you think you're being considerate, right? But really, you're just following programming that's keeping you exhausted, kind of resentful if we're being real, right?
Kelle: Yeah.
Nina: Small.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. And here's the kicker. The people who benefit from this programming will often reinforce it when you try to break free.
Nina: Yeah, when you start setting boundaries, they'll call you selfish. When you start saying no, they'll guilt you about how you're letting them down. When you start choosing yourself, they'll question what's wrong with you.
Kelle: Yeah, they'll tell you that you should be feeding the baby instead of feeding yourself when they could be feeding the baby. Do you feel the energy I still have on this?
Nina: Kelle’s daughter just turned 14, by the way.
Kelle: 13 years later. I mean, listen, a lot has changed in our family since then. My husband would never say that to me these days. Your growth threatens their comfort. Your boundaries threaten their access to you. And your self-respect threatens their ability to use you.
Nina: Yeah. So, of course, it feels wrong to choose yourself. You've been surrounded by people who've told you it is wrong pretty much your entire life.
Kelle: Yeah, but here's what we want you to understand. Feeling bad when you do what's right for you isn't evidence that you're selfish. It's evidence that you are healing.
Nina: Oh my God. This is so important. It's evidence that you're breaking patterns that have kept you trapped. And patterns are your comfort zone, all right? Listeners, all right, team? It's evidence that you're choosing growth over comfort. When you feel guilty for setting a boundary, that guilt is your old programming dying, right? Fizzling out. And it's going to fight hard before it goes.
Kelle: So let's talk about what happens in your body when you choose yourself, because understanding this is crucial.
Nina: Yeah, when you do something that goes against your programming, like saying no or asking for what you need, your nervous system interprets it as danger. You've heard us talk about this before, right? Not logical danger, but emotional danger. It thinks, if I'm not useful, I won't be loved. If I'm not accommodating, I'll be rejected. If I choose myself, I'll be abandoned.
Kelle: So your body floods with stress hormones. You feel anxious and guilty. Something terrible is about to happen.
Nina: But here's what's actually happening. You're just experiencing the discomfort of breaking a pattern. You're feeling the growing pains of becoming someone who values themselves.
Kelle: Yeah, that discomfort isn't a sign that you're doing something wrong. It's a sign that you're doing something new, something unpracticed.
Nina: Yes, and like any new or unpracticed skill, it's going to feel weird and uncomfortable until it becomes familiar.
Kelle: Yeah, think about it this way. If you've spent 30 years putting everyone else first, of course, putting yourself first is going to feel foreign or different. You're literally rewiring decades of conditioning.
Nina: Yeah, real quick client example here. We work with a woman who has a law degree, who was a ballerina, who went to one of the top colleges in the nation. She has a certain way of doing things, right, Kel? Now she's retaking the bar in a different state, and she is just so practiced in her studying, looking a certain way, right? Approaching everything in this very type-A way. The way she's doing it now feels almost lazy because she's already practiced law. She doesn't have to show up to the test the same way she always has, right? And so she's like, "Wait, something's wrong. Something must be wrong." "This is I'm being lazy. I'm not studying enough." And we're like, "Is that true?" And when we start questioning, right, asking these questions, "Do you really feel unprepared?" She's nailing the practice tests. She's doing great. She's just doing it in a way that feels so much better. So it's not wrong, it's just different.
Kelle: It's so true. I mean, she's so brilliant, too.
Nina: Oh my God.
Kelle: And it's hilarious because, I mean, I'm not comparing myself to her at all, but when I took the CPA exam, I had like all day long to study. I didn't have kids. I didn't have a husband. I had 24 hours a day. If I wanted to study, I could stay up all night. I was taking practice tests. I was taking this course. And I had all the time in the world. And now she's doing it while having, being a single mom, right? Having responsibilities and having an adult life, all the things. Yes. And so it's so different. And I could see that questioning, like, I'm doing it so different than I did it before, but she's going to nail it.
Kelle: Yes, because listen, that discomfort, it's temporary, but the resentment, the exhaustion, and the loss of self that comes from never choosing yourself, man, that's permanent. It's painful.
Nina: Yeah. Okay, let's get practical about this. How do you actually do what's right for you when every fiber of your being is screaming that you're being selfish?
Kelle: Yeah, first you normalize the discomfort, right? You expect it. You don't make it mean that you're doing something wrong.
Nina: Yes. When you feel guilty for setting a boundary, instead of thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't have done that," right? Think, "Good, my programming is loosening its grip here. Okay."
Kelle: Okay, second, you get support from people who understand what you're doing. Surround yourself with people who celebrate your growth, not the people who guilt you for it.
Nina: Yeah, right? Third, you start small. You don't have to revolutionize your entire life overnight, right? Practice choosing yourself in low-stakes situations first.
Kelle: Yeah. So maybe you order what you want for dinner instead of what you think other people want you to order, or choose to go to the restaurant that you want to go to, right?
Nina: Yeah. If you're sharing a pizza, right, you're like, whatever you want. No, what toppings do you want on the pizza, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Or maybe you wear what makes you feel good instead of what you think looks appropriate. Hang on, I have something here because I have this short hair, and so many people have said, you should keep the short hair. The short hair is so killer on you and all this stuff. And just the other day, I was standing somewhere and someone said that to me, and my husband was there too. And I was like, "Yeah, my husband and kids don't like the short hair. They want me to grow it long." And my husband was kind of like, "Wait, I never said I didn't like your short hair." And I was like, "Oh, really? Okay." So sometimes, I see Nina looking at me like, "Where are you going with this?" But sometimes it's not even what people actually are saying. It's just what you are interpreting from them, right?
Nina: Yeah, we assume they wanted it the old way, right Kel?
Kelle: Yes, exactly. Thank you.
Nina: We assume they wanted it a certain way. We assume things. Totally. Okay, so fourth here, right? You remind yourself why you're doing this. Not because you want to be selfish, but because you want to be sustainable.
Kelle: Yeah, you can't pour from an empty cup. You can't give your best to others if you're running on fumes. You can't be genuinely generous if you're operating from resentment.
Nina: Resentment can't be the fuel, y'all.
Kelle: No. No, let's not do that, please.
Nina: Yeah. All right, so fifth, you practice self-compassion when you slip back into old patterns, right? We all are going to lapse here. We're all going to make mistakes. We're human, we're not robots. You will. You will fall back into old patterns. And this is hard work, and you're going to mess up.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. The goal isn't perfection. The goal is progress. So I used to always say when I was teaching yoga, practice makes practice. There's no perfection happening. The goal is slowly becoming someone who includes themselves in the equation.
Nina: Yeah, now let's address the big fear that probably just came up for you, right? But what if I become actually selfish? What if I become one of those people who only thinks about themselves, right?
Kelle: Ah, okay. Here's the thing. People who genuinely are selfish don't worry about being selfish. They don't feel guilty when they choose themselves. They don't even think about the impact on others.
Nina: The fact that you're concerned about being selfish is proof that you're not. Truly selfish people aren't doing the work to examine their patterns and grow.
Kelle: Plus, there's a huge difference between being selfish and having healthy boundaries. Selfish people take without giving. People with healthy boundaries give from choice, not obligation.
Nina: Yeah, selfish people don't consider others' needs, right? People with healthy boundaries consider others' needs and their own needs and find solutions that work for everyone when possible.
Kelle: Yeah, but here's the key. When it's not possible to meet everyone's needs, people with healthy boundaries don't automatically sacrifice themselves.
Nina: Yeah, they recognize that they're a person too with needs that matter just as much as everyone else's.
Kelle: And that is what feels so revolutionary when you've been trained to disappear for other people's comfort.
Nina: Raising my hand here. We disappear for other people's comfort, right? Let's talk about what changes when you start doing what's right for you, even when it feels wrong.
Kelle: Okay. First, and my personal favorite, you get your energy back. When you are not constantly overextending yourself, you have more to give from a genuine place. I am obligated to do this, right?
Nina: Yeah, totally. Not from an empty cup. Yeah. Second, your relationships improve. When you're not operating from resentment, you can actually enjoy the people in your life.
Kelle: Yeah, okay. I love that. And third, you become more authentic. When you're not constantly performing consideration, people get to know the real you.
Nina: Yeah, when you're not pretending to be friendly, pretending all the time. Yeah, the pretending's real. Fourth here, you model something powerful for everyone around you. You show them what it looks like to value yourself.
Kelle: So good. And fifth, you become unshakeable, unstoppable. When your worth isn't dependent on other people's approval, you become impossible to manipulate.
Nina: And here's what we need to prepare you for. Not everyone is going to be happy about your growth.
Kelle: Yeah, some people are not going to love this. Some people have gotten really comfortable with you putting them first. They're going to resist your boundaries. They're going to try to guilt you back into old patterns.
Nina: And that's okay. That's their work to do, not yours. Your job is to stay committed to your growth even when other people are uncomfortable with it.
Kelle: Yeah, here's what we know about you, Rockstar. You didn't work this hard to build a life just to give it all away to manage other people's emotions.
Kelle: Yeah, you didn't become strong and capable and brilliant just to pretend that you're not so no one feels threatened.
Nina: Yeah, your life is not a consolation prize for other people's insecurities. Can we just underline that for a second? Your life is not a consolation prize for other people's insecurities.
So let's talk about your homework, okay? Because we're not just here to validate your struggles. We're here to help you create the change, right? This week, we want you to do one thing that's right for you but feels wrong. So something small but meaningful.
Kelle: Yeah, maybe it's saying no to a request that would overwhelm you, or maybe it's asking for help instead of struggling alone. Maybe it's even speaking up about something that matters to you.
Nina: Yeah, when you do it, notice what comes up in your body. Notice the guilt, the anxiety, the voice that says, you're being selfish.
Kelle: And instead of making those feelings mean you did something wrong, make them mean you did something brave, something courageous.
Nina: Yeah, because that's what it is. Choosing yourself in a world that profits from your self-sacrifice, that's game-changing. That's revolutionary.
Kelle: Yeah. Every time you value your needs, you're voting for a world where everyone's needs matter. Every time you set a boundary, you're modeling what healthy relationships look like.
Kelle: Yeah, and that discomfort you feel, it's not your moral compass. It's the sound of your cage door opening.
Nina: Yeah, so feel the discomfort and choose yourself anyway.
Kelle: Because Rockstar, you didn't come this far to only go as far as other people's comfort zones will allow.
Nina: Yeah, right? Until next time, let's do this. Practice being beautifully, unapologetically committed to your own well-being. And Kel, do you have something to add?
Kelle: Yeah, yeah. If you're ready to start practicing boundaries that will actually stick, you can download our No BS Boundary Playbook. And we will put that in the show notes for you.
Nina: Yeah, okay. Thanks for being here. We'll see you next time.
Kelle: All right. See you next time. Thanks for being here.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: And I'm Nina. And today we're talking about something that might explain why you feel guilty every time you choose yourself.
Kelle: Yeah, we're diving into why doing what's right for you feels so incredibly wrong, even when you know it's the right choice.
Nina: Yeah, because here's what we've noticed with literally every ambitious woman we work with. You can intellectually understand that setting boundaries is healthy, for example, that saying no is necessary, that putting yourself first sometimes is essential.
Kelle: But when you actually do those things, your body feels like you're committing a crime against humanity.
Nina: Yeah, today we're going to unpack why your nervous system freaks out when you choose yourself. Why that discomfort is actually evidence that you're breaking free from toxic programming and how to do what's right for you even when it feels terrible. Oh my gosh, Kelle, just talking about this, I can go back to so many circumstances in my life.
Kelle: Yes.
Nina: Like where this… So we'll we'll bring in some examples, some stories. Here we go. This is going to be a fun one.
Kelle: Just talking, just you saying that, my nervous system was like, "Eek." Yes.
Nina: Yeah.
Kelle: Right. Okay, so listeners, buckle up because we're about to challenge some deeply ingrained beliefs about what makes you a good person, like, quote unquote, “good person.”
Nina: Yeah, let's start with some truth-telling, like we do here. Think about the last time you did something that was genuinely right for you, but felt awful in the moment.
Kelle: Okay, wait, Nina, do you have an example of this?
Oh, yeah. I absolutely do. It was when I told my husband that we should get a divorce.
Kelle: Mm-hmm.
Nina: Yeah, I'll never forget it. I have never felt like I was going to fold over and die. I was completely gutted. I thought I was going to implode. Yeah.
Kelle: Yeah. Yep, telling the truth. Like, that's why so many of us avoid saying what we want to say, right? Yeah. So maybe you would have said no to a request that would have overwhelmed you, or maybe you left a party early because you were tired. Maybe you asked for what you needed instead of just hoping someone would figure it out.
Nina: Yeah, maybe you set a boundary with a family member. Maybe you chose not to take on extra work. It doesn't have to be telling your husband that you want a divorce, in my case, right? Maybe you spent money on something for yourself instead of everyone else, right? It can be these little smaller things too. Yeah.
Kelle: Yes. Yes. And even though you knew it was the right choice, your body probably felt terrible. And it might have felt guilty or anxious or selfish or even just wrong.
Nina: Yeah, here's what we want you to understand. That feeling isn't your moral compass telling you're being selfish. That feeling is your programming fighting for its life.
Kelle: Mm-hmm, because here's what's really happened. You were raised in a system that taught you your worth comes from how much you sacrifice for others. Oof.
Nina: Now, you learned that being “good,” quote unquote, means putting everyone else's needs before your own, that being nice means never inconveniencing anyone, and that being responsible means saying yes to everything. And I can totally relate here and in the example that I brought up. Yeah.
Kelle: Yes. Yeah. And that programming runs so deep that when you choose yourself, it literally feels like you're doing something morally wrong. And Nina, I always think of this example when my first child, it was a first birthday party, and she needed to be fed, but she didn't need to be fed right away. And I was starving, and I got some food, and I was eating. And then my husband said something about like, "Well, did you even feed the baby?" when I was eating. And I was really taken aback because I was like, "Dude, I need food too." But I felt like I was doing something wrong.
Nina: Like, morally, you were a bad mom.
Kelle: Like I was a terrible mom.
Nina: And you were a new mom. Yeah. God.
Kelle: Yeah. Totally.
Nina: Yeah. Here's the plot twist. That programming wasn't designed to make you a good person. It was designed to make you useful to other people, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Why wasn't he feeding the baby? That's what I want to know. Now that I've done this work, I'm like, "Wait a minute. Where were you, dude?"
Nina: Yeah, right.
Kelle: Okay. Yeah, that programming, really, it was designed to create someone who would always be available, always be accommodating, always be putting other people's comfort before your own well-being.
Nina: And the people who benefit from that programming, they've convinced you that choosing yourself is selfish, so you'll keep choosing them instead.
Kelle: Okay, let's talk about what this is actually looking like in real life because we know you're nodding along, but maybe you're thinking, but in my situation, it really is selfish.
Nina: Yeah, here's an example, right? You're exhausted and need to leave the family gathering early, right? But you stay because leaving would disappoint people.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. I even have an example, a recent example. I was really tired, and I had some family in town, and I had told them I was going to make dinner. You have these grand plans early in the day, like, I'm going to make some awesome dinner. And then as the day moves on, you're just like, okay, I'm so pooped. I don't really want to make dinner. And then they're all expecting me to make dinner. And I didn't want to disappoint them. So I made dinner even though I was really, really tired and didn't want to do it. And I could have just opted out of it, but I said I would. And I mean, listen, we do this stuff. Nina and I coach on this, and we still do catch ourselves doing this sometimes.
So it's crazy because what's really happening is we've all been taught that other people's disappointment is more important than our own well-being. So you've been programmed to believe that managing other people's emotions is your responsibility. Like if I didn't have a taco buffet set out for everybody, they were going to be disappointed in me for the rest of my lifetime.
Nina: Yeah. Yeah, right. And that's your responsibility. I'm sure, right? I mean, in retrospect, what are you sure of? Like, what do you know now looking back, right? Like, you totally could have just gotten takeout for everyone.
Kelle: For sure. For sure.
Nina: So funny. All right, here's another example, right? Like your friend asks you to help them with something important, but it was a weekend that you had planned for yourself. Something special, just you had a window just for yourself. And you say yes, even though you desperately, you were really looking forward to the downtime.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah, what's really happening, just like in my example, you have been taught that being helpful is more valuable than being rested. You learned that your needs are always negotiable, but other people's are sacred.
Nina: Here, here's one more example, right? You don't apply for the promotion, you don't go for it, you don't point it, because you don't want to seem too ambitious or make your colleagues feel threatened or bad, right?
Kelle: Mm-hmm. Yeah, what's really happening is you've been taught that your success threatens other people. So you should just make sure that you're smaller to keep everybody comfortable.
Nina: Oh my God. This actually happens a lot. I mean, we coach on this quite a bit. I mean, even in relationships, right, Kel? We, a lot of the women we work with don't want to emasculate their partner. And so they just play really small, keep it quiet, be polite, take care of everything quietly, avoid things. Yes. And so you're not alone here if you see yourself in any of this, okay? In every single one of these examples, you think you're being considerate, right? But really, you're just following programming that's keeping you exhausted, kind of resentful if we're being real, right?
Kelle: Yeah.
Nina: Small.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. And here's the kicker. The people who benefit from this programming will often reinforce it when you try to break free.
Nina: Yeah, when you start setting boundaries, they'll call you selfish. When you start saying no, they'll guilt you about how you're letting them down. When you start choosing yourself, they'll question what's wrong with you.
Kelle: Yeah, they'll tell you that you should be feeding the baby instead of feeding yourself when they could be feeding the baby. Do you feel the energy I still have on this?
Nina: Kelle’s daughter just turned 14, by the way.
Kelle: 13 years later. I mean, listen, a lot has changed in our family since then. My husband would never say that to me these days. Your growth threatens their comfort. Your boundaries threaten their access to you. And your self-respect threatens their ability to use you.
Nina: Yeah. So, of course, it feels wrong to choose yourself. You've been surrounded by people who've told you it is wrong pretty much your entire life.
Kelle: Yeah, but here's what we want you to understand. Feeling bad when you do what's right for you isn't evidence that you're selfish. It's evidence that you are healing.
Nina: Oh my God. This is so important. It's evidence that you're breaking patterns that have kept you trapped. And patterns are your comfort zone, all right? Listeners, all right, team? It's evidence that you're choosing growth over comfort. When you feel guilty for setting a boundary, that guilt is your old programming dying, right? Fizzling out. And it's going to fight hard before it goes.
Kelle: So let's talk about what happens in your body when you choose yourself, because understanding this is crucial.
Nina: Yeah, when you do something that goes against your programming, like saying no or asking for what you need, your nervous system interprets it as danger. You've heard us talk about this before, right? Not logical danger, but emotional danger. It thinks, if I'm not useful, I won't be loved. If I'm not accommodating, I'll be rejected. If I choose myself, I'll be abandoned.
Kelle: So your body floods with stress hormones. You feel anxious and guilty. Something terrible is about to happen.
Nina: But here's what's actually happening. You're just experiencing the discomfort of breaking a pattern. You're feeling the growing pains of becoming someone who values themselves.
Kelle: Yeah, that discomfort isn't a sign that you're doing something wrong. It's a sign that you're doing something new, something unpracticed.
Nina: Yes, and like any new or unpracticed skill, it's going to feel weird and uncomfortable until it becomes familiar.
Kelle: Yeah, think about it this way. If you've spent 30 years putting everyone else first, of course, putting yourself first is going to feel foreign or different. You're literally rewiring decades of conditioning.
Nina: Yeah, real quick client example here. We work with a woman who has a law degree, who was a ballerina, who went to one of the top colleges in the nation. She has a certain way of doing things, right, Kel? Now she's retaking the bar in a different state, and she is just so practiced in her studying, looking a certain way, right? Approaching everything in this very type-A way. The way she's doing it now feels almost lazy because she's already practiced law. She doesn't have to show up to the test the same way she always has, right? And so she's like, "Wait, something's wrong. Something must be wrong." "This is I'm being lazy. I'm not studying enough." And we're like, "Is that true?" And when we start questioning, right, asking these questions, "Do you really feel unprepared?" She's nailing the practice tests. She's doing great. She's just doing it in a way that feels so much better. So it's not wrong, it's just different.
Kelle: It's so true. I mean, she's so brilliant, too.
Nina: Oh my God.
Kelle: And it's hilarious because, I mean, I'm not comparing myself to her at all, but when I took the CPA exam, I had like all day long to study. I didn't have kids. I didn't have a husband. I had 24 hours a day. If I wanted to study, I could stay up all night. I was taking practice tests. I was taking this course. And I had all the time in the world. And now she's doing it while having, being a single mom, right? Having responsibilities and having an adult life, all the things. Yes. And so it's so different. And I could see that questioning, like, I'm doing it so different than I did it before, but she's going to nail it.
Kelle: Yes, because listen, that discomfort, it's temporary, but the resentment, the exhaustion, and the loss of self that comes from never choosing yourself, man, that's permanent. It's painful.
Nina: Yeah. Okay, let's get practical about this. How do you actually do what's right for you when every fiber of your being is screaming that you're being selfish?
Kelle: Yeah, first you normalize the discomfort, right? You expect it. You don't make it mean that you're doing something wrong.
Nina: Yes. When you feel guilty for setting a boundary, instead of thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't have done that," right? Think, "Good, my programming is loosening its grip here. Okay."
Kelle: Okay, second, you get support from people who understand what you're doing. Surround yourself with people who celebrate your growth, not the people who guilt you for it.
Nina: Yeah, right? Third, you start small. You don't have to revolutionize your entire life overnight, right? Practice choosing yourself in low-stakes situations first.
Kelle: Yeah. So maybe you order what you want for dinner instead of what you think other people want you to order, or choose to go to the restaurant that you want to go to, right?
Nina: Yeah. If you're sharing a pizza, right, you're like, whatever you want. No, what toppings do you want on the pizza, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Or maybe you wear what makes you feel good instead of what you think looks appropriate. Hang on, I have something here because I have this short hair, and so many people have said, you should keep the short hair. The short hair is so killer on you and all this stuff. And just the other day, I was standing somewhere and someone said that to me, and my husband was there too. And I was like, "Yeah, my husband and kids don't like the short hair. They want me to grow it long." And my husband was kind of like, "Wait, I never said I didn't like your short hair." And I was like, "Oh, really? Okay." So sometimes, I see Nina looking at me like, "Where are you going with this?" But sometimes it's not even what people actually are saying. It's just what you are interpreting from them, right?
Nina: Yeah, we assume they wanted it the old way, right Kel?
Kelle: Yes, exactly. Thank you.
Nina: We assume they wanted it a certain way. We assume things. Totally. Okay, so fourth here, right? You remind yourself why you're doing this. Not because you want to be selfish, but because you want to be sustainable.
Kelle: Yeah, you can't pour from an empty cup. You can't give your best to others if you're running on fumes. You can't be genuinely generous if you're operating from resentment.
Nina: Resentment can't be the fuel, y'all.
Kelle: No. No, let's not do that, please.
Nina: Yeah. All right, so fifth, you practice self-compassion when you slip back into old patterns, right? We all are going to lapse here. We're all going to make mistakes. We're human, we're not robots. You will. You will fall back into old patterns. And this is hard work, and you're going to mess up.
Kelle: Mm-hmm. The goal isn't perfection. The goal is progress. So I used to always say when I was teaching yoga, practice makes practice. There's no perfection happening. The goal is slowly becoming someone who includes themselves in the equation.
Nina: Yeah, now let's address the big fear that probably just came up for you, right? But what if I become actually selfish? What if I become one of those people who only thinks about themselves, right?
Kelle: Ah, okay. Here's the thing. People who genuinely are selfish don't worry about being selfish. They don't feel guilty when they choose themselves. They don't even think about the impact on others.
Nina: The fact that you're concerned about being selfish is proof that you're not. Truly selfish people aren't doing the work to examine their patterns and grow.
Kelle: Plus, there's a huge difference between being selfish and having healthy boundaries. Selfish people take without giving. People with healthy boundaries give from choice, not obligation.
Nina: Yeah, selfish people don't consider others' needs, right? People with healthy boundaries consider others' needs and their own needs and find solutions that work for everyone when possible.
Kelle: Yeah, but here's the key. When it's not possible to meet everyone's needs, people with healthy boundaries don't automatically sacrifice themselves.
Nina: Yeah, they recognize that they're a person too with needs that matter just as much as everyone else's.
Kelle: And that is what feels so revolutionary when you've been trained to disappear for other people's comfort.
Nina: Raising my hand here. We disappear for other people's comfort, right? Let's talk about what changes when you start doing what's right for you, even when it feels wrong.
Kelle: Okay. First, and my personal favorite, you get your energy back. When you are not constantly overextending yourself, you have more to give from a genuine place. I am obligated to do this, right?
Nina: Yeah, totally. Not from an empty cup. Yeah. Second, your relationships improve. When you're not operating from resentment, you can actually enjoy the people in your life.
Kelle: Yeah, okay. I love that. And third, you become more authentic. When you're not constantly performing consideration, people get to know the real you.
Nina: Yeah, when you're not pretending to be friendly, pretending all the time. Yeah, the pretending's real. Fourth here, you model something powerful for everyone around you. You show them what it looks like to value yourself.
Kelle: So good. And fifth, you become unshakeable, unstoppable. When your worth isn't dependent on other people's approval, you become impossible to manipulate.
Nina: And here's what we need to prepare you for. Not everyone is going to be happy about your growth.
Kelle: Yeah, some people are not going to love this. Some people have gotten really comfortable with you putting them first. They're going to resist your boundaries. They're going to try to guilt you back into old patterns.
Nina: And that's okay. That's their work to do, not yours. Your job is to stay committed to your growth even when other people are uncomfortable with it.
Kelle: Yeah, here's what we know about you, Rockstar. You didn't work this hard to build a life just to give it all away to manage other people's emotions.
Kelle: Yeah, you didn't become strong and capable and brilliant just to pretend that you're not so no one feels threatened.
Nina: Yeah, your life is not a consolation prize for other people's insecurities. Can we just underline that for a second? Your life is not a consolation prize for other people's insecurities.
So let's talk about your homework, okay? Because we're not just here to validate your struggles. We're here to help you create the change, right? This week, we want you to do one thing that's right for you but feels wrong. So something small but meaningful.
Kelle: Yeah, maybe it's saying no to a request that would overwhelm you, or maybe it's asking for help instead of struggling alone. Maybe it's even speaking up about something that matters to you.
Nina: Yeah, when you do it, notice what comes up in your body. Notice the guilt, the anxiety, the voice that says, you're being selfish.
Kelle: And instead of making those feelings mean you did something wrong, make them mean you did something brave, something courageous.
Nina: Yeah, because that's what it is. Choosing yourself in a world that profits from your self-sacrifice, that's game-changing. That's revolutionary.
Kelle: Yeah. Every time you value your needs, you're voting for a world where everyone's needs matter. Every time you set a boundary, you're modeling what healthy relationships look like.
Kelle: Yeah, and that discomfort you feel, it's not your moral compass. It's the sound of your cage door opening.
Nina: Yeah, so feel the discomfort and choose yourself anyway.
Kelle: Because Rockstar, you didn't come this far to only go as far as other people's comfort zones will allow.
Nina: Yeah, right? Until next time, let's do this. Practice being beautifully, unapologetically committed to your own well-being. And Kel, do you have something to add?
Kelle: Yeah, yeah. If you're ready to start practicing boundaries that will actually stick, you can download our No BS Boundary Playbook. And we will put that in the show notes for you.
Nina: Yeah, okay. Thanks for being here. We'll see you next time.
Kelle: All right. See you next time. Thanks for being here.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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