65. Mindset Reset and Nervous System Regulation
Have you ever found yourself reacting in ways that make you think, who was that person? High-achieving leaders often find themselves caught in reactive patterns, struggling to maintain composure during challenging moments. We see this regularly with our executive clients who excel at getting things done but feel stuck in survival mode, hustling and people-pleasing.
We combine two powerful frameworks - Mindset Reset and Nervous System Regulation - to help you navigate difficult moments with greater awareness and intention. This approach addresses both the thought patterns that keep us stuck and the physical responses that overtake our best intentions. Our experience working with Fortune 500 executives and managing our own chronic health challenges has shown us that sustainable leadership requires mastering both elements.
Through this episode, we share practical tools for expanding your window of tolerance for stress and accessing your wisdom even when things feel overwhelming. We break down the three foundational practices that build resilience while exploring how to shift from emotional blame to emotional responsibility. This combination allows you to bring a thoughtful, regulated presence to your most challenging leadership moments.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
How to identify when you're operating from a disempowered versus empowered mindset.
Understanding the physical signs of stress activation in your body.
The three foundational practices for regulating your nervous system.
Why combining mindset work with nervous system regulation creates lasting change.
How to expand your window of tolerance for stressful circumstances.
Ways to shift from emotional blame to emotional responsibility.
Practical tools for accessing creativity and strategic thinking under pressure.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: Have you ever found yourself reacting in ways that make you think, who was that person?
Nina: Raising my hand. You're not alone, Rockstar.
Kelle: Today we're diving into something every executive faces: How to feel better when things suck. Whether you're snapping at your team, on the verge of tears in a board meeting, or struggling to keep your composure when you get feedback.
Nina: Yeah, we see this all the time with our clients, even at the highest levels of leadership.
Kelle: And what if the key to keeping your cool in those high-stress moments isn't about being tougher or more stoic, but about understanding both your mindset and your body's natural responses?
Nina: Yeah, exactly. Today, we're combining two powerful frameworks: Mindset Reset and Nervous System Regulation to help you navigate those challenging moments at home, at work, and in your relationships. If you've ever felt like you have the word "stuck" tattooed on your forehead, that's coming right from a client's mouth. Or if you're the manager who just wrapped a difficult quarter and you're not loving how reactive you've been with your team.
Kelle: Or maybe you're crushing your KPIs but feel disconnected at home.
Nina: Yeah, we get it, right? We've been there and we've got you. Let's jump in.
This is Ambitious-ish. Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. So listen, before we dive in here, let's quickly, like Kel, reintroduce ourselves a tad. Like the 30,000-foot view, because listen, we're very qualified to talk about what we're talking about today.
Kelle: Yes, yes. My background includes certifications as a Master Life Coach, a deep dive coach, a health coach, and a yoga instructor, which is why I love doing a lot of that somatic work, the body work that goes along with the mindset. And I also spent years as a CPA and in corporate sales for big pharma companies. So, I'm like a little bit of everything here.
Nina: And I'm a, I'm a board-certified life and health coach with ICF. In my past life, I managed global marketing and PR campaigns for multiple Fortune 500 companies. PR is all about deadlines and being responsive and available, and I am just the queen of people pleasing. That's how I got so far in PR. But anyway, we come to this work with a lot of our own sort of wisdom and experience.
Kelle: Yeah, both of us have navigated chronic health conditions, challenges that forced us to completely rethink our approach to high achievement. For me, in 2010, doctors said I had about 7 years left to live after my pulmonary hypertension diagnosis. And here I am, 15 years later.
Nina: Yeah, right? And for me, I was also diagnosed with a chronic health challenge, and that's how Kelle and I met. But I was the quintessential, and Kelle, I know you can relate, like exercise-it-away person. Like I manage my emotions by biking and running and pushing my body until my diagnosis made that impossible.
Kelle: Yeah, and these experiences forced us to stop hustling, stop people pleasing, and start listening to what we actually needed. And this was like bolded and double underlined and highlighted in like bright orange for me when I also had a cancer diagnosis this last year in 2024. I had to relearn how to relax and really check in for what I needed instead of that go-go-go energy that it feels like everyone is doing right now, this whole survival mode situation that is so hard to unravel and get out of, right?
Nina: Yeah, to kind of toggle in and out of, right? That's the whole point is we're going to go into go mode. It's our effing superpower, Rockstars, right? We know how to GSD. We just want to be able to put it on a dimmer switch, not all or nothing, right? So Kelle and I combine our backgrounds to help women who are used to excelling at everything find a new way forward, one that actually feels good.
Kelle: Yeah, and we're the coaches for high-achieving women who know exactly where they want to point themselves but need to get out of their own way to get there. And we do coach men as well. We just got an influx of three men in our coaching practice, and listen, it's so fun. So, just know, if you're a man, we got you.
Nina: Yeah, we got you. So today, in this episode, we'll unpack what's really happening when you get triggered at work or at home, right? We'll talk about a double framework for handling difficult moments from both the mindset and the physical somatic perspective. And then we'll also break down some practical tools to shift out of emotional reactions into more thoughtful responses. This is the gold. The thoughtful responses getting out of autopilot.
Kelle: All right, so let's start by talking about what's actually happening when you get triggered, when you get activated. So, what does getting triggered actually mean? We hear this term all the time from our clients.
Nina: Yeah, right? When our clients tell us they were triggered by something someone said or did, we actually try to reframe it by explaining that a trigger is actually an unhealed wound. One of your unhealed wounds. You guys have probably heard us talk about this before. So a trigger doesn't happen to you. It happens within you. So some part of you was hurt in a similar way in the past. So your nervous system responds in fight or flight. It's coding something as a threat.
Kelle: And when you get triggered, we typically respond in a dysregulated way, either snapping at our team, shutting down in important meetings, or even tearing up when we get that critical feedback.
Nina: Yeah, for our clients and women in leadership positions in general, these very normal reactions can feel particularly devastating because we're often taught that showing emotion is unprofessional or weak, right? Like, this is a big problem.
Kelle: Mhm, yeah. Let's be real here. When we're triggered, our critical thinking goes offline. We're not curious or collaborative. We're not creative or intuitive. And listen, we always say this: when emotion is high, thinking is low. So when you get triggered, when you have a lot of emotion, intellect drops because you're in survival.
Nina: Yeah, and when we say we're triggered, we blame things and people outside of us, unwittingly, right? That's just what our brain wants to do. It creates certainty, which makes us feel totally out of control, right? Instead of taking a closer look at ourselves and looking at our own wounds.
Kelle: Mm. And then comes the shame spiral, right? This sounds like, "I can't believe I reacted that way in front of the board. What must my team think of me now? I'm such an idiot." Like all those things.
Nina: Totally. From a brain science perspective, this all makes so much sense. It comes back to human evolution, right? When we lived in tribes, showing too much emotion made us unreliable for survival and, therefore, more susceptible to predators if we were abandoned. So we evolved to conceal emotion for survival.
Kelle: Yeah, and then fast forward to today, and human socialized as women have this mindset that they have to do everything for everyone always. I mean, my heart is just beating so fast, just saying that. This creates a pressure chamber of overwhelm and stress on the daily.
Nina: Yeah, that ragey ticking time bomb feeling? Does it make a little more sense now?
Kelle: We know you're passionate, Rockstar. We know you're driven, and we love your ambition. But when critical feedback or setbacks at work start triggering you repeatedly, it might be time for a check-in.
Nina: Yeah, the solution isn't to quit your job, your C suite position, complain to HR, or go on vacation. First, we have to go inward and address both your mindset and your nervous system.
Kelle: Yeah. Okay, Nina, so let's talk about what an empowered mindset looks like when things suck, right? This is a first part of our double framework here.
Nina: Yeah, so a disempowered mindset keeps you stuck, spinning in confusion and overwhelm. You know you're in a disempowered mindset when you're in what we call emotional blame.
Kelle: This is when you're blaming someone or something for how you feel. My CFO makes me so angry in budget meetings, right? We hear this. The board's expectations are stressing me out.
Nina: Yeah, totally. Another element of disempowered thinking is focusing on things you can't control, right? Like market conditions, other executives' decisions, or competitor moves.
Kelle: Mhm. Yeah, and then rejecting reality is another big one. So, telling yourself something should be different. Like my leadership team should execute faster, or my direct reports should be more proactive.
Nina: And finally, being focused on the problem rather than solutions keeps you feeling stuck and dwelling, right? Ruminating instead of making traction.
Kelle: On the other hand, an empowered mindset starts with emotional responsibility. So recognizing that how you're feeling is 100% your responsibility. Your feelings are created by your thoughts, not the circumstances around you. This is really important.
Nina: Yeah, this is gold. And it's the one simple truth of our coaching practice, right? You've heard us say this before. The circumstances around you don't make you feel stressed, anxious, or disappointed. Your thoughts about them do. So your thoughts create your feelings.
Kelle: Yeah, so this empowered mindset we've been talking about, it focuses on what you can control. So you can't control the client's unreasonable expectations, right? But you can control your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. How you show up as a leader to their expectations.
Nina: Yeah. An empowered mindset is accepting of reality, even when it's challenging. It's like, okay, so these are our current numbers. They're below projection. Now, what can we learn and how can we pivot? How can we move forward here, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, it's solution-focused. So, given these constraints, what strategies can I implement to move us forward here?
Nina: Yeah, it's fueled by productive emotions like curiosity, possibility, confidence, respect, and openness.
Kelle: But here's what's missing from mindset work alone: your body's actual physical response. This is where our nervous system framework comes in.
Nina: Yeah, let's bring in a client example here to illustrate this double framework in action, shall we? I love stories. Here we go.
Kelle: Yes, super helpful here. So we had a CMO client who came to a coaching call completely overwhelmed and frustrated, and resentful. And here's how she explained it. She said, "I'm drowning. My team keeps missing deadlines and making embarrassing mistakes. The volume of work I have is unreal. I couldn't believe it when they misspelled our biggest prospect's name in a presentation. I was rolling my eyes and at my wit's end and totally snapped at them in our team meeting."
Nina: Can we all relate here? I mean, let's just be real. I mean, have you ever been blown away by someone's performance, like not in a good way, Kel?
Kelle: Mm, absolutely. And like our client said, you feel like such a monster afterward. You go from seeing red to just wanting to cry from shame of how you showed up.
Nina: Totally. This happens to me with my kids sometimes, too, when I'm like, ah, not my best moment. But when we coach clients through these moments, we first let them vent about the situation, right? But that only gets you so far. What makes coaching different from venting to a good friend, right, over margaritas, is that we help you find a new perspective. We don't just let you sit in those negative emotions. So it's kind of like that like tough love.
Kelle: Yeah, with this client, we helped her process her anger. Anger is such an interesting emotion. We call it an indicator, or kind of like a bouncer emotion. It's usually protecting something underneath.
Nina: When we helped her get curious about what was underneath her anger, she went from angry to crying. She called it ugly crying, but we think it was just beautiful in its truth.
Kelle: Mm, mhm, yeah. We helped her identify this part of herself that was so overworked, so tired, so bent on proving herself and being perfect, not wanting to fail. We just kind of sat with that part of her and really appreciated it.
Nina: Yeah, our executive clients apologize all the time for crying, thinking they're the only ones who break down in coaching sessions, but these are honestly like breakthrough moments when they finally feel safe enough to process emotions they've been bottling up.
Kelle: Yeah, once she actually felt her emotions instead of suppressing them, we could shift into a more empowered mindset. We looked at her circumstances and decided who she wanted to be next time.
Nina: But what really needed to happen was bigger picture nervous system regulation, right? Which is the second part of our framework.
Kelle: Exactly. For our clients, we often see a go-go-go pattern. When we're in go-go-go mode, we're basically in a survival state, fight or flight.
Nina: And burnout, that's essentially a freeze response, like a functional freeze state.
Kelle: Mhm. What happens with our ambitious high achievers is they get stuck in a chronic state of fight, flight, or freeze. Their brains are coding everyday stressors as danger, even though they aren't actually in mortal danger, right?
Nina: Yeah, that email from your boss or the ambiguous text from a colleague isn't an actual threat to your survival, but our nervous systems code it that way by default.
Kelle: Most of our executive clients don't know what second or third gear looks like. They're in fifth or sixth gear consistently all day long.
Nina: Yeah, the solution here, when you understand your nervous system, you can live in a way that supports regulation and resilience. And that's where our three foundational practices come in.
Kelle: Okay, so the first step is to develop awareness around your unique stress profile. So what happens in your body when you feel stressed or overwhelmed? We can't change what we don't notice, right?
Nina: Yeah. So we have clients answer these three questions, and just think about these for a second for yourself. When I'm stressed, I typically think thoughts like, and you kind of make a list, right? Like every light needs to be green today to get it all done. Stressful. When I'm stressed, this is what I notice in my body, right? Make this list too. And when I'm stressed, this is how I tend to react or behave, right? Make that list too. That one's gold. So for instance, when I'm stressed, I start to sweat and it's different than workout sweat, right? It's like stress sweat. It feels totally different.
Kelle: Yeah, I get clenched in my jaw, take shallow breaths, and feel kind of scattered. I get really bossy and have this kind of march, like this bossy walk. I think I learned that from you, Nina.
Nina: I think you did.
Kelle: And one of our clients pushes her tongue into the roof of her mouth. It's actually called a tongue thrust in physical therapy. It can't be good for your teeth, right?
Nina: No, yeah, and ouch. Once you have this awareness, though, once you notice it, we want to help you expand your window of tolerance for stressful circumstances, right? We all know people who have short fuses or who we're careful not to like, quote unquote, “stress out,” right? Oh, I'm just gonna, this is gonna stress them out. I'll just like walk on eggshells over here, right? But that's their current window of tolerance, but we can help you extend yours with three foundational practices.
Kelle: Okay, so the first practice is motion. Now, don't overthink this. You can walk or dance, or jump, just move your body. So stress gets stored in our body as tension, and when we move, we can release that tension.
Nina: Yeah, this doesn't have to be a full 60-minute Peloton ride, right? It's just 10 minutes of raising your heart rate every day. Walk around the office building, get some fresh air, take the stairs, that kind of thing.
Kelle: I mean, our people want to get the Peloton ride in, right? The whole full 60 minutes, but just know you don't have to like move this energy, okay? So I actually get so much clarity and insight when I'm in motion, when I'm not in survival but in flow, like on my bike or walking on the trail. I mean, some of my best strategic thinking happens during movement.
Nina: Oh my gosh, totally. When we're in motion, we're creative, compassionate, honest, and forgiving. We're not in survival mode, unless we're doing our bossy march, right? But with the awareness, we can shift out of that. So we can think clearly and use our brains for us instead of against us.
Kelle: Mhm. Okay. The second practice is stillness.
Nina: This one is particularly challenging for our executive clients. They're so used to go mode, right?
Kelle: Absolutely. And we start with as little as 30 seconds a day of stillness and build from there.
Nina: Yeah, at first our clients are like, "This isn't working. It feels terrible." And we're like, "No, that's actually perfect. It's working."
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. Hang on because I just want to clarify that you can't have stillness when you are in the middle of fight or flight. You have to move that energy first and get regulated to a point, and then you can have some stillness. And the stillness is more functional, okay? And stillness is like pulling the arrow back in the bow. It feels kind of backwards or wrong, but actually it sets you up and sets your nervous system up for powerful forward motion, more focused, more aligned.
Nina: Yeah, some of the best solutions come when we pause. I mean, am I right? We start with 30 seconds a day of stillness and build up to maybe 10 minutes. Try this for 30 days straight and watch how it changes how you respond versus react to challenges in the moment.
Kelle: Okay, the third practice is play. So this one is huge. Play is critical for a healthy nervous system. Many of our clients have lost sight of what it even means to play. So their ambitions and striving keep them hyper focused on the finish line.
Nina: Yeah, for me, play looks like getting on my bike or skis, anything outdoors, right? Anything motion but fun, silly. For others, it might be creative pursuits, humor, or even dancing around the house after closing a big deal.
Kelle: Yeah, we just talked about this with one of our clients who was super stressed and really tired.
Nina: Just come back from vacation, right? And she was exhausted.
Kelle: Yes. Right. She was exhausted. And bringing in that play, we talked about like belting to a really fantastic, like one of our fave songs, like my hype music, right? Nina's hype song, guess what it is? Africa by Toto, right?
Nina: Toto. Yeah.
Kelle: Oh, I love that song. So good.
Nina: Everyone, turn it on really loud in your car today. Everyone, that's your homework.
Kelle: Yeah. Do it. So other things that play might look like are photography or writing, singing, competitive games, like playing innocent games on your kids, like Nina likes to do.
Nina: Mhm. And play requires you to be in the present moment, especially our clients, because they have a competitive edge, like they want to win. They're gonna win that Scrabble game. So it's a really cool, you know, just practice of being where your feet are. Play, right? So when we combine these three nervous system practices, motion, stillness, and play, with the mindset framework we talked about earlier, right? Shifting from a disempowered mindset to an empowered one, everything changes.
Kelle: All right, let's give a quick example of how this double framework might look in practice.
Nina: Imagine you're a CEO receiving disappointing quarterly results after you've put in just huge effort, right?
Kelle: Mm. Yeah, this disempowered mindset would think, "This shouldn't be happening. We did everything right. The team should have executed better." This creates frustration, resentment, and helplessness.
Nina: Meanwhile, your body is in fight or flight. Shallow breathing, tension in your shoulders, racing heart, I mean, stress sweat, right?
Kelle: Mhm, mhm. Using our double framework, you'd first notice these physical sensations. So I'm noticing tension in my body. This is my stress response activating.
Nina: Yeah. So then you'd shift to an empowered mindset, right? These are our current numbers, they're below projection. What can we learn and how can we respond, right?
Kelle: Yeah, you might take three deep breaths or go for a quick walk around the office to regulate your nervous system before responding to the situation.
Nina: And long term, you'd commit to those three foundational practices, right? Motion, stillness, and play to build more resilience for the next challenge, right? To respond differently when the next challenge arises.
Kelle: Yes, this approach completely changes how you show up as a leader. So instead of reactive emotional responses, you bring thoughtful, regulated presence to difficult moments.
Nina: So badass, right? And that's the real game changer. Being able to access your wisdom, creativity, and strategic thinking even when things suck.
Kelle: Yeah, so to summarize, when things suck, you need both a mindset reset and nervous system regulation.
Nina: Yeah, the real reason you feel stuck and reactive, remember, it's a combination of disempowered thinking patterns and a dysregulated nervous system. So our double framework gives you tools to address both, right? Shifting from emotional blame to emotional responsibility, focusing on what you can control, accepting reality rather than fighting it, looking for solutions instead of dwelling on problems, and regulating your nervous system through motion, stillness, and play.
Kelle: We deep dive into this framework with our clients in our new 3 month coaching container. And if you're ready to transform how you show up as a leader, both professionally and personally, we'd love to talk to you.
Nina: Yeah, so before we go, we'd love to hear from you. What resonated most from today's episode? Connect with us on social at Kelle Nina Coaching on Instagram or send us an email Kelleandnina@gmail.com. And to schedule a consultation, head to our website. You can schedule a call there. Kelleandnina.com.
Kelle: All right. Thanks for joining us today and remember, you can be ambitious and actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create.
Nina: Yeah, okay. See you next time.
Kelle: Yeah, thanks for being here. Until next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: Raising my hand. You're not alone, Rockstar.
Kelle: Today we're diving into something every executive faces: How to feel better when things suck. Whether you're snapping at your team, on the verge of tears in a board meeting, or struggling to keep your composure when you get feedback.
Nina: Yeah, we see this all the time with our clients, even at the highest levels of leadership.
Kelle: And what if the key to keeping your cool in those high-stress moments isn't about being tougher or more stoic, but about understanding both your mindset and your body's natural responses?
Nina: Yeah, exactly. Today, we're combining two powerful frameworks: Mindset Reset and Nervous System Regulation to help you navigate those challenging moments at home, at work, and in your relationships. If you've ever felt like you have the word "stuck" tattooed on your forehead, that's coming right from a client's mouth. Or if you're the manager who just wrapped a difficult quarter and you're not loving how reactive you've been with your team.
Kelle: Or maybe you're crushing your KPIs but feel disconnected at home.
Nina: Yeah, we get it, right? We've been there and we've got you. Let's jump in.
This is Ambitious-ish. Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina. So listen, before we dive in here, let's quickly, like Kel, reintroduce ourselves a tad. Like the 30,000-foot view, because listen, we're very qualified to talk about what we're talking about today.
Kelle: Yes, yes. My background includes certifications as a Master Life Coach, a deep dive coach, a health coach, and a yoga instructor, which is why I love doing a lot of that somatic work, the body work that goes along with the mindset. And I also spent years as a CPA and in corporate sales for big pharma companies. So, I'm like a little bit of everything here.
Nina: And I'm a, I'm a board-certified life and health coach with ICF. In my past life, I managed global marketing and PR campaigns for multiple Fortune 500 companies. PR is all about deadlines and being responsive and available, and I am just the queen of people pleasing. That's how I got so far in PR. But anyway, we come to this work with a lot of our own sort of wisdom and experience.
Kelle: Yeah, both of us have navigated chronic health conditions, challenges that forced us to completely rethink our approach to high achievement. For me, in 2010, doctors said I had about 7 years left to live after my pulmonary hypertension diagnosis. And here I am, 15 years later.
Nina: Yeah, right? And for me, I was also diagnosed with a chronic health challenge, and that's how Kelle and I met. But I was the quintessential, and Kelle, I know you can relate, like exercise-it-away person. Like I manage my emotions by biking and running and pushing my body until my diagnosis made that impossible.
Kelle: Yeah, and these experiences forced us to stop hustling, stop people pleasing, and start listening to what we actually needed. And this was like bolded and double underlined and highlighted in like bright orange for me when I also had a cancer diagnosis this last year in 2024. I had to relearn how to relax and really check in for what I needed instead of that go-go-go energy that it feels like everyone is doing right now, this whole survival mode situation that is so hard to unravel and get out of, right?
Nina: Yeah, to kind of toggle in and out of, right? That's the whole point is we're going to go into go mode. It's our effing superpower, Rockstars, right? We know how to GSD. We just want to be able to put it on a dimmer switch, not all or nothing, right? So Kelle and I combine our backgrounds to help women who are used to excelling at everything find a new way forward, one that actually feels good.
Kelle: Yeah, and we're the coaches for high-achieving women who know exactly where they want to point themselves but need to get out of their own way to get there. And we do coach men as well. We just got an influx of three men in our coaching practice, and listen, it's so fun. So, just know, if you're a man, we got you.
Nina: Yeah, we got you. So today, in this episode, we'll unpack what's really happening when you get triggered at work or at home, right? We'll talk about a double framework for handling difficult moments from both the mindset and the physical somatic perspective. And then we'll also break down some practical tools to shift out of emotional reactions into more thoughtful responses. This is the gold. The thoughtful responses getting out of autopilot.
Kelle: All right, so let's start by talking about what's actually happening when you get triggered, when you get activated. So, what does getting triggered actually mean? We hear this term all the time from our clients.
Nina: Yeah, right? When our clients tell us they were triggered by something someone said or did, we actually try to reframe it by explaining that a trigger is actually an unhealed wound. One of your unhealed wounds. You guys have probably heard us talk about this before. So a trigger doesn't happen to you. It happens within you. So some part of you was hurt in a similar way in the past. So your nervous system responds in fight or flight. It's coding something as a threat.
Kelle: And when you get triggered, we typically respond in a dysregulated way, either snapping at our team, shutting down in important meetings, or even tearing up when we get that critical feedback.
Nina: Yeah, for our clients and women in leadership positions in general, these very normal reactions can feel particularly devastating because we're often taught that showing emotion is unprofessional or weak, right? Like, this is a big problem.
Kelle: Mhm, yeah. Let's be real here. When we're triggered, our critical thinking goes offline. We're not curious or collaborative. We're not creative or intuitive. And listen, we always say this: when emotion is high, thinking is low. So when you get triggered, when you have a lot of emotion, intellect drops because you're in survival.
Nina: Yeah, and when we say we're triggered, we blame things and people outside of us, unwittingly, right? That's just what our brain wants to do. It creates certainty, which makes us feel totally out of control, right? Instead of taking a closer look at ourselves and looking at our own wounds.
Kelle: Mm. And then comes the shame spiral, right? This sounds like, "I can't believe I reacted that way in front of the board. What must my team think of me now? I'm such an idiot." Like all those things.
Nina: Totally. From a brain science perspective, this all makes so much sense. It comes back to human evolution, right? When we lived in tribes, showing too much emotion made us unreliable for survival and, therefore, more susceptible to predators if we were abandoned. So we evolved to conceal emotion for survival.
Kelle: Yeah, and then fast forward to today, and human socialized as women have this mindset that they have to do everything for everyone always. I mean, my heart is just beating so fast, just saying that. This creates a pressure chamber of overwhelm and stress on the daily.
Nina: Yeah, that ragey ticking time bomb feeling? Does it make a little more sense now?
Kelle: We know you're passionate, Rockstar. We know you're driven, and we love your ambition. But when critical feedback or setbacks at work start triggering you repeatedly, it might be time for a check-in.
Nina: Yeah, the solution isn't to quit your job, your C suite position, complain to HR, or go on vacation. First, we have to go inward and address both your mindset and your nervous system.
Kelle: Yeah. Okay, Nina, so let's talk about what an empowered mindset looks like when things suck, right? This is a first part of our double framework here.
Nina: Yeah, so a disempowered mindset keeps you stuck, spinning in confusion and overwhelm. You know you're in a disempowered mindset when you're in what we call emotional blame.
Kelle: This is when you're blaming someone or something for how you feel. My CFO makes me so angry in budget meetings, right? We hear this. The board's expectations are stressing me out.
Nina: Yeah, totally. Another element of disempowered thinking is focusing on things you can't control, right? Like market conditions, other executives' decisions, or competitor moves.
Kelle: Mhm. Yeah, and then rejecting reality is another big one. So, telling yourself something should be different. Like my leadership team should execute faster, or my direct reports should be more proactive.
Nina: And finally, being focused on the problem rather than solutions keeps you feeling stuck and dwelling, right? Ruminating instead of making traction.
Kelle: On the other hand, an empowered mindset starts with emotional responsibility. So recognizing that how you're feeling is 100% your responsibility. Your feelings are created by your thoughts, not the circumstances around you. This is really important.
Nina: Yeah, this is gold. And it's the one simple truth of our coaching practice, right? You've heard us say this before. The circumstances around you don't make you feel stressed, anxious, or disappointed. Your thoughts about them do. So your thoughts create your feelings.
Kelle: Yeah, so this empowered mindset we've been talking about, it focuses on what you can control. So you can't control the client's unreasonable expectations, right? But you can control your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. How you show up as a leader to their expectations.
Nina: Yeah. An empowered mindset is accepting of reality, even when it's challenging. It's like, okay, so these are our current numbers. They're below projection. Now, what can we learn and how can we pivot? How can we move forward here, right?
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, it's solution-focused. So, given these constraints, what strategies can I implement to move us forward here?
Nina: Yeah, it's fueled by productive emotions like curiosity, possibility, confidence, respect, and openness.
Kelle: But here's what's missing from mindset work alone: your body's actual physical response. This is where our nervous system framework comes in.
Nina: Yeah, let's bring in a client example here to illustrate this double framework in action, shall we? I love stories. Here we go.
Kelle: Yes, super helpful here. So we had a CMO client who came to a coaching call completely overwhelmed and frustrated, and resentful. And here's how she explained it. She said, "I'm drowning. My team keeps missing deadlines and making embarrassing mistakes. The volume of work I have is unreal. I couldn't believe it when they misspelled our biggest prospect's name in a presentation. I was rolling my eyes and at my wit's end and totally snapped at them in our team meeting."
Nina: Can we all relate here? I mean, let's just be real. I mean, have you ever been blown away by someone's performance, like not in a good way, Kel?
Kelle: Mm, absolutely. And like our client said, you feel like such a monster afterward. You go from seeing red to just wanting to cry from shame of how you showed up.
Nina: Totally. This happens to me with my kids sometimes, too, when I'm like, ah, not my best moment. But when we coach clients through these moments, we first let them vent about the situation, right? But that only gets you so far. What makes coaching different from venting to a good friend, right, over margaritas, is that we help you find a new perspective. We don't just let you sit in those negative emotions. So it's kind of like that like tough love.
Kelle: Yeah, with this client, we helped her process her anger. Anger is such an interesting emotion. We call it an indicator, or kind of like a bouncer emotion. It's usually protecting something underneath.
Nina: When we helped her get curious about what was underneath her anger, she went from angry to crying. She called it ugly crying, but we think it was just beautiful in its truth.
Kelle: Mm, mhm, yeah. We helped her identify this part of herself that was so overworked, so tired, so bent on proving herself and being perfect, not wanting to fail. We just kind of sat with that part of her and really appreciated it.
Nina: Yeah, our executive clients apologize all the time for crying, thinking they're the only ones who break down in coaching sessions, but these are honestly like breakthrough moments when they finally feel safe enough to process emotions they've been bottling up.
Kelle: Yeah, once she actually felt her emotions instead of suppressing them, we could shift into a more empowered mindset. We looked at her circumstances and decided who she wanted to be next time.
Nina: But what really needed to happen was bigger picture nervous system regulation, right? Which is the second part of our framework.
Kelle: Exactly. For our clients, we often see a go-go-go pattern. When we're in go-go-go mode, we're basically in a survival state, fight or flight.
Nina: And burnout, that's essentially a freeze response, like a functional freeze state.
Kelle: Mhm. What happens with our ambitious high achievers is they get stuck in a chronic state of fight, flight, or freeze. Their brains are coding everyday stressors as danger, even though they aren't actually in mortal danger, right?
Nina: Yeah, that email from your boss or the ambiguous text from a colleague isn't an actual threat to your survival, but our nervous systems code it that way by default.
Kelle: Most of our executive clients don't know what second or third gear looks like. They're in fifth or sixth gear consistently all day long.
Nina: Yeah, the solution here, when you understand your nervous system, you can live in a way that supports regulation and resilience. And that's where our three foundational practices come in.
Kelle: Okay, so the first step is to develop awareness around your unique stress profile. So what happens in your body when you feel stressed or overwhelmed? We can't change what we don't notice, right?
Nina: Yeah. So we have clients answer these three questions, and just think about these for a second for yourself. When I'm stressed, I typically think thoughts like, and you kind of make a list, right? Like every light needs to be green today to get it all done. Stressful. When I'm stressed, this is what I notice in my body, right? Make this list too. And when I'm stressed, this is how I tend to react or behave, right? Make that list too. That one's gold. So for instance, when I'm stressed, I start to sweat and it's different than workout sweat, right? It's like stress sweat. It feels totally different.
Kelle: Yeah, I get clenched in my jaw, take shallow breaths, and feel kind of scattered. I get really bossy and have this kind of march, like this bossy walk. I think I learned that from you, Nina.
Nina: I think you did.
Kelle: And one of our clients pushes her tongue into the roof of her mouth. It's actually called a tongue thrust in physical therapy. It can't be good for your teeth, right?
Nina: No, yeah, and ouch. Once you have this awareness, though, once you notice it, we want to help you expand your window of tolerance for stressful circumstances, right? We all know people who have short fuses or who we're careful not to like, quote unquote, “stress out,” right? Oh, I'm just gonna, this is gonna stress them out. I'll just like walk on eggshells over here, right? But that's their current window of tolerance, but we can help you extend yours with three foundational practices.
Kelle: Okay, so the first practice is motion. Now, don't overthink this. You can walk or dance, or jump, just move your body. So stress gets stored in our body as tension, and when we move, we can release that tension.
Nina: Yeah, this doesn't have to be a full 60-minute Peloton ride, right? It's just 10 minutes of raising your heart rate every day. Walk around the office building, get some fresh air, take the stairs, that kind of thing.
Kelle: I mean, our people want to get the Peloton ride in, right? The whole full 60 minutes, but just know you don't have to like move this energy, okay? So I actually get so much clarity and insight when I'm in motion, when I'm not in survival but in flow, like on my bike or walking on the trail. I mean, some of my best strategic thinking happens during movement.
Nina: Oh my gosh, totally. When we're in motion, we're creative, compassionate, honest, and forgiving. We're not in survival mode, unless we're doing our bossy march, right? But with the awareness, we can shift out of that. So we can think clearly and use our brains for us instead of against us.
Kelle: Mhm. Okay. The second practice is stillness.
Nina: This one is particularly challenging for our executive clients. They're so used to go mode, right?
Kelle: Absolutely. And we start with as little as 30 seconds a day of stillness and build from there.
Nina: Yeah, at first our clients are like, "This isn't working. It feels terrible." And we're like, "No, that's actually perfect. It's working."
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah. Hang on because I just want to clarify that you can't have stillness when you are in the middle of fight or flight. You have to move that energy first and get regulated to a point, and then you can have some stillness. And the stillness is more functional, okay? And stillness is like pulling the arrow back in the bow. It feels kind of backwards or wrong, but actually it sets you up and sets your nervous system up for powerful forward motion, more focused, more aligned.
Nina: Yeah, some of the best solutions come when we pause. I mean, am I right? We start with 30 seconds a day of stillness and build up to maybe 10 minutes. Try this for 30 days straight and watch how it changes how you respond versus react to challenges in the moment.
Kelle: Okay, the third practice is play. So this one is huge. Play is critical for a healthy nervous system. Many of our clients have lost sight of what it even means to play. So their ambitions and striving keep them hyper focused on the finish line.
Nina: Yeah, for me, play looks like getting on my bike or skis, anything outdoors, right? Anything motion but fun, silly. For others, it might be creative pursuits, humor, or even dancing around the house after closing a big deal.
Kelle: Yeah, we just talked about this with one of our clients who was super stressed and really tired.
Nina: Just come back from vacation, right? And she was exhausted.
Kelle: Yes. Right. She was exhausted. And bringing in that play, we talked about like belting to a really fantastic, like one of our fave songs, like my hype music, right? Nina's hype song, guess what it is? Africa by Toto, right?
Nina: Toto. Yeah.
Kelle: Oh, I love that song. So good.
Nina: Everyone, turn it on really loud in your car today. Everyone, that's your homework.
Kelle: Yeah. Do it. So other things that play might look like are photography or writing, singing, competitive games, like playing innocent games on your kids, like Nina likes to do.
Nina: Mhm. And play requires you to be in the present moment, especially our clients, because they have a competitive edge, like they want to win. They're gonna win that Scrabble game. So it's a really cool, you know, just practice of being where your feet are. Play, right? So when we combine these three nervous system practices, motion, stillness, and play, with the mindset framework we talked about earlier, right? Shifting from a disempowered mindset to an empowered one, everything changes.
Kelle: All right, let's give a quick example of how this double framework might look in practice.
Nina: Imagine you're a CEO receiving disappointing quarterly results after you've put in just huge effort, right?
Kelle: Mm. Yeah, this disempowered mindset would think, "This shouldn't be happening. We did everything right. The team should have executed better." This creates frustration, resentment, and helplessness.
Nina: Meanwhile, your body is in fight or flight. Shallow breathing, tension in your shoulders, racing heart, I mean, stress sweat, right?
Kelle: Mhm, mhm. Using our double framework, you'd first notice these physical sensations. So I'm noticing tension in my body. This is my stress response activating.
Nina: Yeah. So then you'd shift to an empowered mindset, right? These are our current numbers, they're below projection. What can we learn and how can we respond, right?
Kelle: Yeah, you might take three deep breaths or go for a quick walk around the office to regulate your nervous system before responding to the situation.
Nina: And long term, you'd commit to those three foundational practices, right? Motion, stillness, and play to build more resilience for the next challenge, right? To respond differently when the next challenge arises.
Kelle: Yes, this approach completely changes how you show up as a leader. So instead of reactive emotional responses, you bring thoughtful, regulated presence to difficult moments.
Nina: So badass, right? And that's the real game changer. Being able to access your wisdom, creativity, and strategic thinking even when things suck.
Kelle: Yeah, so to summarize, when things suck, you need both a mindset reset and nervous system regulation.
Nina: Yeah, the real reason you feel stuck and reactive, remember, it's a combination of disempowered thinking patterns and a dysregulated nervous system. So our double framework gives you tools to address both, right? Shifting from emotional blame to emotional responsibility, focusing on what you can control, accepting reality rather than fighting it, looking for solutions instead of dwelling on problems, and regulating your nervous system through motion, stillness, and play.
Kelle: We deep dive into this framework with our clients in our new 3 month coaching container. And if you're ready to transform how you show up as a leader, both professionally and personally, we'd love to talk to you.
Nina: Yeah, so before we go, we'd love to hear from you. What resonated most from today's episode? Connect with us on social at Kelle Nina Coaching on Instagram or send us an email Kelleandnina@gmail.com. And to schedule a consultation, head to our website. You can schedule a call there. Kelleandnina.com.
Kelle: All right. Thanks for joining us today and remember, you can be ambitious and actually enjoy the life you work so hard to create.
Nina: Yeah, okay. See you next time.
Kelle: Yeah, thanks for being here. Until next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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