63. You're Not Losing Your Edge: How Your Nervous System Affects Your Confidence
Have you ever found yourself double-checking emails multiple times before sending, replaying conversations in your head, or second-guessing your abilities despite years of experience? We've been hearing from many high-achieving professionals lately who feel they're "losing their edge" – especially compared to younger colleagues. They blame it on age, burnout, or simply not trying hard enough.
This feeling isn't what you think it is. What feels like declining abilities is actually a disconnect between your brain and nervous system. When your nervous system perceives a threat – even emotional threats like potential criticism or rejection – it automatically shifts into survival mode without your permission. This activation triggers fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses that make you feel less capable and present, reinforcing the belief that you're losing your edge.
In reality, you haven't forgotten how to do your job or lost your abilities. Your nervous system is simply doing exactly what it was designed to do: protect you. Once you understand this mechanism, you can work with it instead of against it, shifting from constant threat detection to a place of safety and sufficiency. This allows your natural confidence and critical thinking skills to reemerge, helping you show up as the professional you've always been.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
How to recognize when your nervous system is in survival mode and affecting your performance.
Why your body responds to workplace challenges as if they were physical threats.
Three steps to break the cycle of nervous system activation.
Why seemingly small criticisms can feel devastating and trigger a shame spiral.
How to shift from proving energy to sufficiency and self-trust.
A powerful question to ask yourself to regain your confidence.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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42. Overcoming Unfulfillment: How Coaching Helped High-Achieving Surgeon Lindsay Find Joy
Full Episode Transcript:
Kelle: Have you ever thought that maybe you're losing your edge?
Nina: This might look like double-checking an email 10 times before hitting send. Going over that conversation in your head over and over again, wondering if you said something wrong.
Kelle: Or second-guessing your ability to deliver the presentation even though you've done it 100 times before.
Nina: Yeah, and we hear from some clients that they're losing their edge to the millennials in the office, right? They're telling themselves they're not keeping pace, falling behind, and blaming it on their age.
Kelle: All right, we're here to tell you, that's all BS. You're not losing your edge, and you're not too old. What's actually happening is something so much deeper.
Nina: Ooh, stay with us. We're going to dive into all the things.
Kelle: All right, let's get going, shall we?
Nina: Yeah, this is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina.
Kelle: Nina, have you ever felt like this? Like you were losing your edge?
Nina: Oh my god, that's a big fat YES for me. It actually comes and goes for me a little bit, right? Like sometimes it's in my parenting. Do you ever feel that way?
Kelle: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Nina: And yeah, if I'm being honest, sometimes it's in the challenging relationships in my life. I lose my edge, right? I lose my skills. I lose my grounding. And sometimes it comes up with work. I just feel like I don't have the bandwidth or literal words or language to work through things the way I usually do or like to do. Like I'm out of flow. I've lost my skills. I've lost my edge.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, it's so common. And when we talk about losing your edge, what we're really talking about is a conflict between your brain and your nervous system.
Nina: Yeah, your nervous system isn't tracking logic, right, everybody? It's tracking risk. And that misalignment can make you feel like you're not as sharp, confident, or capable as you once were.
Kelle: We've recently signed several new clients that have essentially come to us feeling what can only be described as corporate world burnout. So one in particular is a high-level professional at one of the largest tech companies in the world. And she told us she feels a lot of anxiety at work. Her younger self was able to shake it off, and she just isn't. Like maybe she just needed to try harder.
Nina: Yeah, and her self-confidence rating right now is like a 3 out of 10. She was used to being a confident leader, but instead found herself double-checking emails 10 times before hitting send and going over what she said in the meeting with the CEO again and again, second-guessing herself. And this became a time suck. So then she was on her own back about how much time she was wasting in her day, right Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, I mean, time suck and energy drain, right? Just let us know. Like, I know you can't answer us, but does any of this sound familiar?
Nina: I mean, are you nodding your heads? What she was experiencing wasn't a loss of ability. She didn't all of a sudden forget how to do her job, right? This was a nervous system in survival mode.
Kelle: When your nervous system perceives threat, even emotional threat like potential criticism or rejection, it automatically picks up a response without asking your permission, which, so rude.
Nina: Yeah. So you might go into fight mode, pushing harder and demanding immediate resolution to uncertainty, right?
Kelle: Mhm. Yeah, you might go into flight mode, wanting to escape uncomfortable situations. Like, I'm out.
Nina: You might freeze, right? Finding yourself unable to think clearly or even speak up in meetings.
Kelle: Or you might fawn, which looks like people-pleasing your way through interactions, especially when it doesn't serve you.
Nina: Yeah, another client, we'll call her Rachel, was facing similar challenges. She described, "I have this rubber band around my chest leading up to Mondays," right? Like those Sunday scaries. "I had a small presentation and I had to lead myself through breathing exercises."
Kelle: Yeah, she mentioned how she just needed to get her mojo back.
Nina: Yeah, Rachel rated her self-concept and fulfillment at work both a 4 out of 10. She felt out of control and that whatever she tried, she couldn't correct it. She knew what she should be doing but found herself getting pulled into a spiral.
Kelle: So many of the women we work with blame this on getting older, or maybe it's perimenopause, or they just need to try harder. And they fantasize about quitting their job and becoming a barista or a hostess, anything more carefree and simple than what they're currently doing. And what's fascinating about working with these women is watching their transformation once they understand what's actually happening in their nervous system, right, Nina?
Nina: Yeah. Recently, a client had a breakthrough epiphany when she realized, "Wait, I didn't get where I am because I was prettier or smarter than everyone else, right? It was because I'm committed and worked 10 times as hard. Now I can understand the world is not going to end if I don't respond to this email immediately. I'll get back to it when I can, not from a rushed place, not from a place where I need to prove myself, not from urgency or that toxic productivity, but from a place of sufficiency and my critical thinking."
Kelle: This shift in her nervous system from constant threat detection and scarcity, toxic comparison really, to safety, allowed her to show up more empowered and to do what she knows she's good at and not dread going to work every day, which, oh man, that feeling just is awful, right?
Nina: Ooh, that anxiety creep. When we held up the mirror, right, we simply reminded these clients of something they just forgot. The truth they needed to see, that they are really effing good at what they do, like really, really good. And they just forgot.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, they just needed a reminder, right? They let that inner critic run the show, that inner bully who's there to protect you, to protect them, right? To help them calculate risk and scan danger, but not run the show.
Nina: Yeah. So they started doubting themselves, not following through on things, and losing that killer self-trust they used to rely on. It was their superpower.
Kelle: Trust requires authenticity, and when you're stressed and anxious about what you're doing, when you're second-guessing yourself and your abilities, you're not trusting yourself.
Nina: And that's really where it needs to start, right? Other people will trust you when you double down on trusting yourself.
Kelle: Because if you're believing that inner critic who's attacking you and bullying you in the conference room during the presentation…
Nina: If that's your fuel, then there's no way your self-trust is solid. No one trusts a bully, right?
Kelle: No. No. So from here, we helped her build her confidence back, where she realized, "I'm really good at what I do. I freaking know I am."
Nina: When we're in execute mode though, like go mode, all day long, when we're going and doing and producing all day, we're missing a huge piece, right? The human element, the grounded, human side of all of this. We're not robots.
Kelle: I'm so glad you said that, Nina. And I was just thinking, I was in Sedona this weekend, and it was really funny because we went for this hike in, I think it's called Boynton Canyon or something like that. And it's supposed to be this magical vortex place, but we didn't know it at the time. We were just hiking along and chit-chatting and laughing and checking out the views and stuff. And when we realized that it was actually an energy vortex, it's something that we opened up and started paying attention to, right? But we were in go mode, and we were just hiking along, and again, not paying attention to the magical energy that was there. And so we didn't notice it.
Nina: You were just in your masculine going energy. Doing, doing, doing.
Kelle: Yeah. And so to balance, we need to lean into that feminine energy, that intuitive and curious and open and collaborative and compassionate space.
Nina: Yeah, we're out of that proving energy. They don't have anything to prove, these clients of ours. If we're always focused on potentially messing up, like the what-ifs, right? That's what's going to happen. We dip into proving energy.
Kelle: I'm just thinking of that client that was worried that the millennials in her office were kind of showing her up, that she was no longer able to keep up with them. And this is exactly what we're talking about.
Nina: Yeah, she was telling her, her inner critic was telling her she was a dinosaur. Such BS. When she's actually like this badass leader, right?
Kelle: I know, I know, right?
Nina: Yeah. Yeah. We just had to turn her around a little bit.
Kelle: Yeah. All right, so what ties these experiences together is your nervous system.
Nina: Yeah, your nervous system isn't just storing patterns from your professional life, right? It's holding every unresolved experience where you didn't feel safe speaking up, every relationship where conflict meant rejection, control, or punishment.
Kelle: This is why seemingly small criticisms can feel devastating. Why presentations that you used to deliver no problem, now fill you with dread. And why you might find yourself second-guessing decisions you previously would have made without any hesitation.
Nina: Yeah, let's talk about what's happening in your body and brain here, right? First, your nervous system gets triggered or activated, right? So cue survival mode. When faced with uncertainty, which is a lot right now, criticism, that's a huge one, feedback, critical feedback, or challenge, your nervous system activates survival patterns that worked for you in the past. And we all have kind of our own special go-tos: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And listen, everybody, go back to episode 9 here for a basic nervous system 101. This episode is called How to Get Out of Survival Mode, and it's one of our most downloaded episodes.
Kelle: Ah, that was such a good one. Okay. And the second thing, okay, so number one was your nervous system gets triggered or activated, and then your confidence is eroded. So these survival responses make you feel less present and capable, reinforcing your belief that you're losing your edge. And when you try to take action from survival, your executive functioning is literally offline. You aren't showing up to the circumstances in front of you with your critical thinking. You're showing up from your emotional or survival brain. And the results you create aren't solid. They aren't your best work, obviously.
Nina: This is really key. So third here, comes the shame spiral, right? You start telling yourself stories like, "I shouldn't be here. I should just go home. I'm getting too old for this. I don't know what I'm doing anymore," or simply, "I've lost my edge. I'm not enough." Which leads to feeling dread and anxious and over-functioning to try to fix it all.
Kelle: Mhm, back to that proving energy. And all of that is your inner critic, right? That inner bully trying to keep you safe by scanning for danger and being overly critical. But here's where we can break the cycle.
Nina: Yeah, number one, recognition, right? Identifying what your nervous system tendencies are and notice when you're activated so that you don't repeat your survival patterns.
Kelle: Do you default to fight or flight or freeze or fawn? So just notice that. Okay. And then number two, how we break the cycle is regulation, going from a dysregulated state to a regulated state. And that looks like learning to pause and breathe, and ground yourself when your system gets triggered. And being able to ground yourself when your system gets triggered is critical. This isn't just taking a deep breath. That really bothers me when people say, "Oh, just take a deep breath." It's like, "No, no, no, no." It's about building neural pathways that help your body understand that disagreement, uncertainty, and challenge are not life-threatening.
Nina: This has just been huge lately with clients. There's just so much uncertainty that we coach on right now. And this nervous system work is so important. This takes practice, everyone, and a killer coach, if we do say so ourselves. Coaches like us can be super helpful here, too.
So three here, reframing. The thought, "Am I doing things as quickly as I can? Am I as sharp as I used to be?" These can all be reframed as, "I know what I'm talking about here. Hang on. I don't have to doubt myself here, right? I know how to do my job. I've been doing this for a long time, right? I'm really good at what I do." And even, "I've got this, right? I've got what it takes in this moment to move the project over the finish line." For example.
Kelle: Mhm. Yeah, before we move on, I just want to say that reframing is all about creating more sufficiency instead of doubt. And we don't need to feel abundant all the time and all-knowing. Sometimes we just need to feel sufficient. Try this one on this week. And this reminds me, Nina, of when we were working with Lindsay. She's a joint surgeon. She's like, total badass surgeon.
Nina: Yeah, she was on the pod end of 2024. You guys should go back and listen to that episode.
Kelle: Yeah. So good. And at one point working with her, she was thinking she was losing her edge. She worked in a very male-dominated field, and she felt like…
Nina: Lots of pressure, right?
Kelle: She continued to need to prove herself and show that she was a good doctor. And once she realized that she doesn't have to prove herself at all. Like, her patients speak for themselves. Like, her abilities speak for themselves. And when she actually checked herself and noticed that, it changed everything for her. She just showed up more confident. Her self-concept really grew for her, and yeah, it was just so killer to watch her transformation.
Nina: Yeah, I think the one killer question that we always offer here, Kel, right, is like, "Okay, Rockstar, if you were five times as confident, what would you do? How would you show up?" And they're just reminded. They have all the answers when we ask them that. They're not saying, "Uh, I don't know." They're saying, "Oh, yeah, if I were five times as confident, this is what I would do." We're like, "Go." Right? Yeah. It's cool.
Kelle: And another one that actually I thought you were going to say, Nina, is, "How is that not true? How is it not true that you're as good as the men in your office?" And when I asked her that, she had a whole list of how her credentials and training was off the charts, way better than the men in her office. And she just thought, "F yeah, of course I'm awesome at what I do."
Nina: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just so interesting where our brains go sometimes, right? Being onto ourselves here. But what's fascinating is that what feels like decline can actually be evolution. And what we've seen with clients is this shift in self-concept where they trust themselves more, like Lindsay, and they're owning their choices, being more intentional with how they move through the day, instead of just being on autopilot, going through the motions.
Kelle: One particular client went from avoiding difficult conversations to embracing what she called the 50 F-its. So basically, when she turned 50, she decided to give zero F's because she spent way too much time in her 30s and 40s focused on pleasing everything and everyone around her. She re-decided which battles were worth fighting and which weren't worth her energy at all.
Nina: Yeah, I love that in her 50s she decided to give zero F's. I might just start doing that now. I'm not in my 50s yet, but here we go. Yeah, another Rockstar client realized that when she focused on regulating her nervous system rather than just pushing harder, her executive presence naturally, obviously, improved.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, that leadership presence. And it makes sense, right? Because when your emotion is high, intellect drops. Like we know this from science. She's now identifying new opportunities and having the confidence to run towards them instead of hanging back, just trying to hold on to what she had before.
Nina: So if you're feeling like you've lost your edge, we have an invitation for you.
Kelle: Yeah. All right, ask yourself, "Am I reacting to this moment or to every time something like this has ever happened before?"
Nina: That's such an interesting reflection. Number two, notice your default nervous system response, right? Do you go to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn? And in what type of situation?
Kelle: Remember, that real, steady success can handle a pause. It can survive discomfort. You can regulate your nervous system so you're not demanding that others or achievements or proving yourself do it for you.
Nina: Yeah. Listen, Rockstar, you're not losing your edge. Your nervous system is just doing exactly what it was designed to do, to protect you. And now that you understand that, you can work with it instead of against it.
Kelle: Mm, yeah. I mean, we should just stop right there. That's so good. Okay, awesome. That's it for today. If this resonated with you, send it to a friend. Spread the word. Together, we can change the world, one nervous system at a time.
Nina: Yeah. Until next time, remember, you're not losing your edge, Rockstar. You're evolving into a version of yourself that leads from authenticity rather than fear, right? From a regulated nervous system rather than a dysregulated one.
Kelle: Capital YES to that. Yes. Thank you so much for being here.
Nina: See you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
Nina: This might look like double-checking an email 10 times before hitting send. Going over that conversation in your head over and over again, wondering if you said something wrong.
Kelle: Or second-guessing your ability to deliver the presentation even though you've done it 100 times before.
Nina: Yeah, and we hear from some clients that they're losing their edge to the millennials in the office, right? They're telling themselves they're not keeping pace, falling behind, and blaming it on their age.
Kelle: All right, we're here to tell you, that's all BS. You're not losing your edge, and you're not too old. What's actually happening is something so much deeper.
Nina: Ooh, stay with us. We're going to dive into all the things.
Kelle: All right, let's get going, shall we?
Nina: Yeah, this is Ambitious-ish.
Burnout? Check. Daily overwhelm? Check. Resentment rash, stress, and a complete lack of well-being? Check, check, check! You’re not alone. We’re your hosts, Kelle & Nina, and we are here to help you feel calm, balanced, and empowered so you can redefine success, make choices that feel authentic, and ACTUALLY enjoy the life you work so hard to create. You ready? Let’s go.
Kelle: Hey, I'm Kelle.
Nina: And I'm Nina.
Kelle: Nina, have you ever felt like this? Like you were losing your edge?
Nina: Oh my god, that's a big fat YES for me. It actually comes and goes for me a little bit, right? Like sometimes it's in my parenting. Do you ever feel that way?
Kelle: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Nina: And yeah, if I'm being honest, sometimes it's in the challenging relationships in my life. I lose my edge, right? I lose my skills. I lose my grounding. And sometimes it comes up with work. I just feel like I don't have the bandwidth or literal words or language to work through things the way I usually do or like to do. Like I'm out of flow. I've lost my skills. I've lost my edge.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, it's so common. And when we talk about losing your edge, what we're really talking about is a conflict between your brain and your nervous system.
Nina: Yeah, your nervous system isn't tracking logic, right, everybody? It's tracking risk. And that misalignment can make you feel like you're not as sharp, confident, or capable as you once were.
Kelle: We've recently signed several new clients that have essentially come to us feeling what can only be described as corporate world burnout. So one in particular is a high-level professional at one of the largest tech companies in the world. And she told us she feels a lot of anxiety at work. Her younger self was able to shake it off, and she just isn't. Like maybe she just needed to try harder.
Nina: Yeah, and her self-confidence rating right now is like a 3 out of 10. She was used to being a confident leader, but instead found herself double-checking emails 10 times before hitting send and going over what she said in the meeting with the CEO again and again, second-guessing herself. And this became a time suck. So then she was on her own back about how much time she was wasting in her day, right Kel?
Kelle: Yeah, I mean, time suck and energy drain, right? Just let us know. Like, I know you can't answer us, but does any of this sound familiar?
Nina: I mean, are you nodding your heads? What she was experiencing wasn't a loss of ability. She didn't all of a sudden forget how to do her job, right? This was a nervous system in survival mode.
Kelle: When your nervous system perceives threat, even emotional threat like potential criticism or rejection, it automatically picks up a response without asking your permission, which, so rude.
Nina: Yeah. So you might go into fight mode, pushing harder and demanding immediate resolution to uncertainty, right?
Kelle: Mhm. Yeah, you might go into flight mode, wanting to escape uncomfortable situations. Like, I'm out.
Nina: You might freeze, right? Finding yourself unable to think clearly or even speak up in meetings.
Kelle: Or you might fawn, which looks like people-pleasing your way through interactions, especially when it doesn't serve you.
Nina: Yeah, another client, we'll call her Rachel, was facing similar challenges. She described, "I have this rubber band around my chest leading up to Mondays," right? Like those Sunday scaries. "I had a small presentation and I had to lead myself through breathing exercises."
Kelle: Yeah, she mentioned how she just needed to get her mojo back.
Nina: Yeah, Rachel rated her self-concept and fulfillment at work both a 4 out of 10. She felt out of control and that whatever she tried, she couldn't correct it. She knew what she should be doing but found herself getting pulled into a spiral.
Kelle: So many of the women we work with blame this on getting older, or maybe it's perimenopause, or they just need to try harder. And they fantasize about quitting their job and becoming a barista or a hostess, anything more carefree and simple than what they're currently doing. And what's fascinating about working with these women is watching their transformation once they understand what's actually happening in their nervous system, right, Nina?
Nina: Yeah. Recently, a client had a breakthrough epiphany when she realized, "Wait, I didn't get where I am because I was prettier or smarter than everyone else, right? It was because I'm committed and worked 10 times as hard. Now I can understand the world is not going to end if I don't respond to this email immediately. I'll get back to it when I can, not from a rushed place, not from a place where I need to prove myself, not from urgency or that toxic productivity, but from a place of sufficiency and my critical thinking."
Kelle: This shift in her nervous system from constant threat detection and scarcity, toxic comparison really, to safety, allowed her to show up more empowered and to do what she knows she's good at and not dread going to work every day, which, oh man, that feeling just is awful, right?
Nina: Ooh, that anxiety creep. When we held up the mirror, right, we simply reminded these clients of something they just forgot. The truth they needed to see, that they are really effing good at what they do, like really, really good. And they just forgot.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, they just needed a reminder, right? They let that inner critic run the show, that inner bully who's there to protect you, to protect them, right? To help them calculate risk and scan danger, but not run the show.
Nina: Yeah. So they started doubting themselves, not following through on things, and losing that killer self-trust they used to rely on. It was their superpower.
Kelle: Trust requires authenticity, and when you're stressed and anxious about what you're doing, when you're second-guessing yourself and your abilities, you're not trusting yourself.
Nina: And that's really where it needs to start, right? Other people will trust you when you double down on trusting yourself.
Kelle: Because if you're believing that inner critic who's attacking you and bullying you in the conference room during the presentation…
Nina: If that's your fuel, then there's no way your self-trust is solid. No one trusts a bully, right?
Kelle: No. No. So from here, we helped her build her confidence back, where she realized, "I'm really good at what I do. I freaking know I am."
Nina: When we're in execute mode though, like go mode, all day long, when we're going and doing and producing all day, we're missing a huge piece, right? The human element, the grounded, human side of all of this. We're not robots.
Kelle: I'm so glad you said that, Nina. And I was just thinking, I was in Sedona this weekend, and it was really funny because we went for this hike in, I think it's called Boynton Canyon or something like that. And it's supposed to be this magical vortex place, but we didn't know it at the time. We were just hiking along and chit-chatting and laughing and checking out the views and stuff. And when we realized that it was actually an energy vortex, it's something that we opened up and started paying attention to, right? But we were in go mode, and we were just hiking along, and again, not paying attention to the magical energy that was there. And so we didn't notice it.
Nina: You were just in your masculine going energy. Doing, doing, doing.
Kelle: Yeah. And so to balance, we need to lean into that feminine energy, that intuitive and curious and open and collaborative and compassionate space.
Nina: Yeah, we're out of that proving energy. They don't have anything to prove, these clients of ours. If we're always focused on potentially messing up, like the what-ifs, right? That's what's going to happen. We dip into proving energy.
Kelle: I'm just thinking of that client that was worried that the millennials in her office were kind of showing her up, that she was no longer able to keep up with them. And this is exactly what we're talking about.
Nina: Yeah, she was telling her, her inner critic was telling her she was a dinosaur. Such BS. When she's actually like this badass leader, right?
Kelle: I know, I know, right?
Nina: Yeah. Yeah. We just had to turn her around a little bit.
Kelle: Yeah. All right, so what ties these experiences together is your nervous system.
Nina: Yeah, your nervous system isn't just storing patterns from your professional life, right? It's holding every unresolved experience where you didn't feel safe speaking up, every relationship where conflict meant rejection, control, or punishment.
Kelle: This is why seemingly small criticisms can feel devastating. Why presentations that you used to deliver no problem, now fill you with dread. And why you might find yourself second-guessing decisions you previously would have made without any hesitation.
Nina: Yeah, let's talk about what's happening in your body and brain here, right? First, your nervous system gets triggered or activated, right? So cue survival mode. When faced with uncertainty, which is a lot right now, criticism, that's a huge one, feedback, critical feedback, or challenge, your nervous system activates survival patterns that worked for you in the past. And we all have kind of our own special go-tos: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And listen, everybody, go back to episode 9 here for a basic nervous system 101. This episode is called How to Get Out of Survival Mode, and it's one of our most downloaded episodes.
Kelle: Ah, that was such a good one. Okay. And the second thing, okay, so number one was your nervous system gets triggered or activated, and then your confidence is eroded. So these survival responses make you feel less present and capable, reinforcing your belief that you're losing your edge. And when you try to take action from survival, your executive functioning is literally offline. You aren't showing up to the circumstances in front of you with your critical thinking. You're showing up from your emotional or survival brain. And the results you create aren't solid. They aren't your best work, obviously.
Nina: This is really key. So third here, comes the shame spiral, right? You start telling yourself stories like, "I shouldn't be here. I should just go home. I'm getting too old for this. I don't know what I'm doing anymore," or simply, "I've lost my edge. I'm not enough." Which leads to feeling dread and anxious and over-functioning to try to fix it all.
Kelle: Mhm, back to that proving energy. And all of that is your inner critic, right? That inner bully trying to keep you safe by scanning for danger and being overly critical. But here's where we can break the cycle.
Nina: Yeah, number one, recognition, right? Identifying what your nervous system tendencies are and notice when you're activated so that you don't repeat your survival patterns.
Kelle: Do you default to fight or flight or freeze or fawn? So just notice that. Okay. And then number two, how we break the cycle is regulation, going from a dysregulated state to a regulated state. And that looks like learning to pause and breathe, and ground yourself when your system gets triggered. And being able to ground yourself when your system gets triggered is critical. This isn't just taking a deep breath. That really bothers me when people say, "Oh, just take a deep breath." It's like, "No, no, no, no." It's about building neural pathways that help your body understand that disagreement, uncertainty, and challenge are not life-threatening.
Nina: This has just been huge lately with clients. There's just so much uncertainty that we coach on right now. And this nervous system work is so important. This takes practice, everyone, and a killer coach, if we do say so ourselves. Coaches like us can be super helpful here, too.
So three here, reframing. The thought, "Am I doing things as quickly as I can? Am I as sharp as I used to be?" These can all be reframed as, "I know what I'm talking about here. Hang on. I don't have to doubt myself here, right? I know how to do my job. I've been doing this for a long time, right? I'm really good at what I do." And even, "I've got this, right? I've got what it takes in this moment to move the project over the finish line." For example.
Kelle: Mhm. Yeah, before we move on, I just want to say that reframing is all about creating more sufficiency instead of doubt. And we don't need to feel abundant all the time and all-knowing. Sometimes we just need to feel sufficient. Try this one on this week. And this reminds me, Nina, of when we were working with Lindsay. She's a joint surgeon. She's like, total badass surgeon.
Nina: Yeah, she was on the pod end of 2024. You guys should go back and listen to that episode.
Kelle: Yeah. So good. And at one point working with her, she was thinking she was losing her edge. She worked in a very male-dominated field, and she felt like…
Nina: Lots of pressure, right?
Kelle: She continued to need to prove herself and show that she was a good doctor. And once she realized that she doesn't have to prove herself at all. Like, her patients speak for themselves. Like, her abilities speak for themselves. And when she actually checked herself and noticed that, it changed everything for her. She just showed up more confident. Her self-concept really grew for her, and yeah, it was just so killer to watch her transformation.
Nina: Yeah, I think the one killer question that we always offer here, Kel, right, is like, "Okay, Rockstar, if you were five times as confident, what would you do? How would you show up?" And they're just reminded. They have all the answers when we ask them that. They're not saying, "Uh, I don't know." They're saying, "Oh, yeah, if I were five times as confident, this is what I would do." We're like, "Go." Right? Yeah. It's cool.
Kelle: And another one that actually I thought you were going to say, Nina, is, "How is that not true? How is it not true that you're as good as the men in your office?" And when I asked her that, she had a whole list of how her credentials and training was off the charts, way better than the men in her office. And she just thought, "F yeah, of course I'm awesome at what I do."
Nina: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just so interesting where our brains go sometimes, right? Being onto ourselves here. But what's fascinating is that what feels like decline can actually be evolution. And what we've seen with clients is this shift in self-concept where they trust themselves more, like Lindsay, and they're owning their choices, being more intentional with how they move through the day, instead of just being on autopilot, going through the motions.
Kelle: One particular client went from avoiding difficult conversations to embracing what she called the 50 F-its. So basically, when she turned 50, she decided to give zero F's because she spent way too much time in her 30s and 40s focused on pleasing everything and everyone around her. She re-decided which battles were worth fighting and which weren't worth her energy at all.
Nina: Yeah, I love that in her 50s she decided to give zero F's. I might just start doing that now. I'm not in my 50s yet, but here we go. Yeah, another Rockstar client realized that when she focused on regulating her nervous system rather than just pushing harder, her executive presence naturally, obviously, improved.
Kelle: Yeah. Yeah, that leadership presence. And it makes sense, right? Because when your emotion is high, intellect drops. Like we know this from science. She's now identifying new opportunities and having the confidence to run towards them instead of hanging back, just trying to hold on to what she had before.
Nina: So if you're feeling like you've lost your edge, we have an invitation for you.
Kelle: Yeah. All right, ask yourself, "Am I reacting to this moment or to every time something like this has ever happened before?"
Nina: That's such an interesting reflection. Number two, notice your default nervous system response, right? Do you go to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn? And in what type of situation?
Kelle: Remember, that real, steady success can handle a pause. It can survive discomfort. You can regulate your nervous system so you're not demanding that others or achievements or proving yourself do it for you.
Nina: Yeah. Listen, Rockstar, you're not losing your edge. Your nervous system is just doing exactly what it was designed to do, to protect you. And now that you understand that, you can work with it instead of against it.
Kelle: Mm, yeah. I mean, we should just stop right there. That's so good. Okay, awesome. That's it for today. If this resonated with you, send it to a friend. Spread the word. Together, we can change the world, one nervous system at a time.
Nina: Yeah. Until next time, remember, you're not losing your edge, Rockstar. You're evolving into a version of yourself that leads from authenticity rather than fear, right? From a regulated nervous system rather than a dysregulated one.
Kelle: Capital YES to that. Yes. Thank you so much for being here.
Nina: See you next time.
Nina: Hey everyone, if you want more live access to me and Kelle, you have to join our email list.
Kelle: Yes, we’ll come to your email box every Tuesday and Thursday.
Nina: You can ask us questions, get clarity, and get coached.
Kelle: We offer monthly free email coaching when you’re on our list and you’re the first to know about trainings, events, and other free coaching opportunities.
Nina: Just go to KelleAndNina.com to sign up.
Kelle: Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Ambitious-Ish.
Nina: If you’re ready to align your ambitions with your heart and feel more calm, balanced, and connected, visit KelleAndNina.com for more information about how to work with us and make sure you get on our list.
Kelle: See you in the next episode!
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